94: Counselling Sessions

So, I’ve been going to counselling sessions for a few weeks now. Nothing revelatory really but emerging is a picture of myself and my life that is repetitive; somewhat alone, withdrawn, feeling not good enough but self-reliant and finding positive reinforcement in a close group and trying to do my best.

It is true that behind this bland exterior, I do commit to things – whether they be friends, family, work or even a childhood hero. And from a young age I have been ‘warned’ about this; ‘you’re getting too close to X.’ Similarly, more recently I have been told that I go overboard, including the childhood (sporting) hero!

It did hurt terribly when my previous employer – with whom I had started as a student and performed well – promised me a global role and then took it away again – thus changing my life and my having to start again.

I have subsequently ‘invested’ heavily in trying to be a good husband and a good dad. That is now being thrown back in my face as I write in 92 - Struggling and Tired . There is a deep sadness in this, just as there was in being made redundant, and the betrayal  that I feel leaves a hole.

But, actually, what is the point in doing otherwise? Of never committing for fear of being rebuffed? Yes, it makes one vulnerable but to half-commit and be polite is to live a half life – perhaps as I am doing now.

The counsellor mentioned that perhaps I was committing a huge amount to my son and that I would have to cope with him moving away. And I was thinking about this on the train into work after the session. Bit of a tangent but a sports writer called Simon Barnes wrote an article once about how boxing should be banned. He countered the arguments which stated that sportsmen also get hurt in other sports by saying that the deaths in them were accidents whereas the very aim of boxing was to render hurt.

In the same way, perhaps we invest in work, friends, family sometimes to draw them close and get love and support in return but sometimes to help them move away. At a mundane level, many of my old team developed professionally and grew out to bigger roles – that is a good thing; I had no wish to bind them to me. Similarly, the whole objective for our son is that he grows up to be a confident and kind young man who goes out with desire, ability and support.

With our nearest we should feel secure and loved and trusted – I do not, and there is no blame in this really. Perhaps I am a rubbish person but I cannot be any better.  For my son, I hope I shall retain his love always, that he will remember me as a positive influence and that I can always be the trampoline on which he can depend.

93: A Common Story

 True words from several people on a newspaper article - http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/mar/26/how-to-heal-your-family-from-petty-resentments-to-affairs - that seem to tell of a common story.

92 - Struggling and Tired

Do you know what I am struggling with, the most?

For all sorts of reasons I have never considered myself to be particularly good at anything. When I was made redundant from a large organisation I lost a huge amount of confidence but discovered early in my career that loyalty runs only one way.

I remember being in an airport lounge once and determining, or, rather, hoping that when my time came with a child or children that I would not be an absent father. As chance would have it, work allowed me to be a fully supportive father and husband. My priority was home, I was never one whose importance or self-esteem was tied up at work. My reward was my time with my son and, now and then, my wife.

Now, that time is being thrown back at me. ‘Are you a Head of .. like before or just a Manager?’ ‘What about your friends?’ ‘How old is your boss?’

I know that trains and power stations will be built without me, that the organisation will survive if I do not strive fully. But what I thought was in my hands, where I could make a real contribution, one that might even leave some positive memories, would be at home.

And have I provided such a bad life really – despite being a failure? I am finding it really difficult to concentrate at work, suddenly to give importance to and be serious about issues that really are trivial in my eyes and utterly boring. But concentrate I must so I can create the environment and situation which will allow me to escape.

91 - Bollocks to it all

Been a hard few days – mainly out of frustration rather than direct confrontation.

It began with some friends who were due to come to stay for the week-end. Clearly, I needed to move out of the guest room. ‘I’ll clean it,’ she said. ‘That’s ok, I will,’ I replied. It then transpired that the room had not been cleaned / vacuumed since December. I had noticed dust but assumed that on lax work by the cleaner that we have – not as if M. actually does the work. Is that reasonable behaviour given that she does not pay in any way separately for the cleaner.

Over the last several months, perhaps out of some insecurity or maybe just coincidence, our son, though 10, has asked for a story every evening. Nothing special, just little snippets around Star Wars or football. Yesterday evening, without consulting with me beforehand, she said, ‘No more stories, you are not a two year old – go to bed.’ I did not protest. Our son said I could tell a story secretly but I said that we could not lie – though maybe stories just on the week-end? ‘But that’s four nights without a story?!’ I went to kiss him good-night and he was sobbing away. So I went downstairs , told her he was crying and, angrily, she said I could tell him a story. A small incident maybe but purely a vindictive one.

Earlier on, over the week-end, on Sunday morning, while I was cutting the grass, I could hear her berating him because he was being a bit slow in his homework. ‘No one else has a mother who takes their kid everywhere. Do you want to live their lives? Next time, I’ll tell your friend A. he can’t come. You can do all this because of my sacrifices.’ She has clearly built a narrative of sacrifice when she has had all the choices she could desire.

The other day I had my Hotmail open and was also working on another screen. I had it on the latter when I went upstairs and came back to see it on the Hotmail page – she had clearly been looking. Later on, to test, I left my phone and wallet on top of each other, aligned in a particular way, in an area where there would be no need to move either. Later I saw that the wallet was still on top but in a different orientation; had she had to look at the phone for an innocent reason, she would not have been careful to place the wallet back. She clearly wanted to check messages and photographs. There is nothing to find and so nothing was found.

I wrote earlier about a previous e-mail: http://dear-confidant.blogspot.co.uk/2016/05/90-while-browsing.html - I work, she enjoys and then, in addition, I am treated like shit.

The friend that came to stay obviously gave her the oxygen that I do not.

• Another friend who posts frequently on Facebook and Twitter was made fun of – even though he does that that to help with his professional profile
• A parent from school who is moving to a small town from the big city was mystifying her – ‘why on earth would someone do that? How stupid.’
• She washes her hands after going to one particular supermarket – you never know who shops there. Other supermarkets are ok.
• A house being built in a nearby street will be for young professionals – assisted buying. She is worried about the sort of people moving in – though all will be professionals.
• She used to make fun of an overweight boy in class. Usually this comment is directed at me but she did not seem to understand that the friend she was relating it to was also probably overweight when young.
• Also a story about how someone was made fun of because he was dark. Her friend is also quite dark – does she not realise how she could hurt someone by saying these things?

For weeks our son has been saying that he wants me to spend the night in his bed. I have resisted. But he asked again on Sunday night and I said ‘ok.’ I was told off for it. It is over-indulging him. I have also been told not to tell him stories. I responded that I had said ‘no’ for weeks and an exception now and again is not an issue. ‘No has to mean no,’ she said. Should I have said that checking e-mails, phone, throwing away cards are also nos?! I did not.

I did say, however, that stories are fine so long as he also reads books and contributes with his imagination.

‘He does not have a brother or a sister,’ I am told, ‘and you cannot be a sibling.’

Perhaps I do over-indulge but I am also strict and, after all, he is only a child seeking affection. She provides him with lots of gifts, he looks for affection to me, but is that my fault?

Does life remain unsatisfactory until someone is made to cry? I have gone to sleep in the past crying at her words – is that what she wants from both of us?

90 - While Browsing

I was looking for something in my e-mails and came across the exchange below.


All I got for trying to be helpful was an insult. Now we are May 2016 and has she done anything? I gave her a contact in the Red Cross - did she do anything with that? 'No' in both cases.


In the meantime, I have been fortunate enough to add 10% to my salary and am negotiating an interest only mortgage in order to free up more cash per month. What has she done?


Bollocks to it all.


From: Her
Sent: 29 June 2015 13:58
To: Me
Subject: RE: thoughts on jobs

Thanks.  I think numbers 2 and 3 - I can remain silent about the 4th!  Since I have hardly any work experience, I have to start working full-time, if I want a salary or career.  Health permitting, I have almost 20 years of working life left.  So enough time to give it a try.  

 And let's face it - we need the money.  Your monthly income has gone up by around £100 over the past 5 years whereas expenses have gone up.....  No matter what you write on Linked In about how happy you are at work and what wonderful colleagues you've got, we need the money!

---

From: Me

To: Her
Subject: thoughts on jobs
Date: Mon, 29 Jun 2015 10:43:00 +0000

I have been thinking about where you may look for jobs.


The first question anyone recruiting will ask is ‘what do you want?’


1.    You do not want a job that simply meets a need for additional money

2.    You want something that is worthy of your background

3.    You do want to ‘start again’

4.    You have significant constraints on time

The obvious first place to look, therefore, is in the charity sector, local, and perhaps start with volunteering.

 In parallel, you obviously have the ‘big boys’ such as Oxfam, CARE, DFID etc. which may require a direct approach.

I am trying to find out whether this organisation is still active: http://londoncharityjobs.co.uk/careers-advice/

I have a contact in the Red Cross who may be able to advise.

But general google search appears to throw up some roles – perhaps inappropriate – and Reed (and others?) appear to look at this sector as well.

 

89 - Something in the Newspaper

This was in the newspaper last week March 2016 - The Guardian - husband whom I can't leave and while the gender is opposite and the issues are not exactly parallel, some bits struck a chord.


'Your work has always come first. In times of distress, I have been left feeling unloved and unworthy.' In my case, work has absolutely not come first. Support at home has come first and I/we have been fortunate that this has been possible while maintaining a very decent lifestyle.


'We don’t have blazing rows, neither of us is violent and we co-parent well enough. So, it doesn’t feel as if I have a good enough reason to tear their lives apart other than my own inner torment and, I admit, your complete frustration with me.' An echo.


'What compelled me to write this letter was a cold. Yes, a pathetic cold. I have been sneezing and coughing all weekend, while trying to ensure that the kids are fed and watered and the household runs smoothly. Not once have you asked if I’m OK or offered to do the kids’ bedtime routine, or even suggested I might have a Sunday lie-in instead of you, God forbid.' Makes me laugh - have always been on hand and week-end lie-ins for her were standard until maybe two years ago. I look back recently to 79 - Now Let's See and 47 - A Typical Saturday


Nowhere in that article does the lady say, 'you did not buy me gifts.' In the fundamentals, I believe I did ok.

88 - Random Fillers

Our son is still away skiing - a whole week away for a 10 year old - and the conquering heroes return tomorrow.


Today is Easter Friday and I have come in to the office - partly because I genuinely have work but also because what would I do at home?


In a normal couples' world, I can imagine two people would discuss what they might do - might laze around - go out for a walk - watch a film - do some cooking.


Even in our normal state, I would have been worrying about what would be 'good enough' for her given that her only interests that I have known are shopping and eating. A restaurant - expensive, not expensive? Lunch or dinner? Dishwasher to load and start, ironing to do. Now, I just walk out and go to work. Bliss.


We did actually go to a film together yesterday evening - her suggestion and I acquiesced. Nice enough film but a main protagonist is a middle-aged husband who has had / is having an affair with a female colleague. At one point - before a car accident kills him - he says, 'look, I've been all confused. Do you think we can go back to what we were?'


Did she know some or all of this when suggesting the movie? Don't know, don't care. I have not had an affair, in any case.


Our son has just passed his Grade 1 Violin exam - which we are very pleased about - and he also learns the piano. We almost bought a proper piano but, in the end, she decided not to go ahead.


'Anyway,' she says, 'a piano would have made putting down under-floor difficult. Which is my plan.'


I did not react but 'my plan'? Really? Lovely you have a plan my dear but the money for this? You will contribute in some material fashion?


And under-floor heating because? Her friends have it?


Bollocks to it all.