75 - Time Management yet again

So, I get home at 8 pm.

Bear in mind now that I am looking after myself now and it is only her and our son.

Dishwasher not cleared from the morning, cooking just finished, vegetables still strewn all over and sink full of dishes.

Normally I would have cleared all that up - not any more.

Cruel? Probably

74 - Back to Spending Money we should Avoid for now

‘We need a new garage door.’ ‘Need to put the TV on the wall and not on that IKEA low shelf.’

Ok, the garage door is broken but I would have thought decorating a room or carpeting the stairs or checking out damp would have come first.

‘You’re ok with this?’ ‘Because it feels like you’re happy with IKEA.’ ‘No one has a TV like we do. They all have mounted on the wall. It looks a mess.’

Sure, let’s go ahead, I think to myself. It’s only money.

Is the house impeccable? All rooms spick and span and tidy? A showroom? No, no and no. (not that I care but it is the double standards.)

But I say nothing. If I did, she would simply take that as a challenge, try to meet it and poor time management will lead to yet more stress – to the ultimate detriment of our son and me.

It is perfectly possible to have a beautiful home without continually buying stuff. It is, as ever, never her – it is the environment not allowing her to shine. The fact that the TV room has clothes strewn all over is presumably because the TV is not on a wall?! And it is beneath her to make an un-beautiful room, beautiful?

And, of course, once again, this is a dig at my alleged taste – ‘you look as if you’re happy with IKEA.’

Perhaps I am. Perhaps I do let function over-rule form. Perhaps I worry about money and affordability. Perhaps I am (too) easily satisfied. Perhaps I care less about what others are doing and I have less need to compare myself.

I am sorry I am such a disappointment and a failure.

73 - Yet more challenges to my value

Still living in separate rooms. Have had a quiet Christmas and New Year period – first at my brother’s and then at our house. We are keeping to our arrangement of not telling anyone of our separation just yet given that her birthday is coming up. I have presented her with several hundred pounds for Christmas and her birthday as it did not seem likely we would go shopping together – she has accepted.

‘Did you see how much your brother worked over the two days? He was continuously on his feet from working round the house to banking to shopping to printing ..’ Clear message that, in our household, she does everything and I do nothing. Probably now, yes, I do do less but I used to do all that + ironing + cleaning toilets + hoovering + …. Perhaps I should have pointed that out. Or that my sister-in-law also contributes through working and drawing an income. Or that my brother is away three days of the week and has been away for a year or more in the past – but what’s the point? I am not in competition with my brother and I am  confident that I have done my bit in terms of support.

(mentioning my brother reminds me that despite what I did around the house, you used to mention for a number of years – in a tone of considerable sarcasm – how I had helped him clean his oven or courier over baby food to Canada or take my nephew to school; as if I was not similarly helpful to you. All those examples happened before we were married – so this was retrospective anger and resentment. And, subsequently, I probably did connect less with my brother and sister-in-law because of you – again, to my shame.)

I mention in conversation that my boss is trying hard to get a pay rise for me and that there may even be a healthy retention bonus in a year’s time. And that the new boss of my old team also wants me and I could use this to my advantage. ‘Why didn’t you get this before? It’s not as if you could get a job somewhere else.’ ‘When will you re-negotiate the mortgage? We need to save money to build the bookshelves.’ Nothing about ‘Good luck’, ‘we’ll get through this period’, ‘I’ll try to get a job’… Not that I tell you any of this or that you could be a little more efficient in your credit card spend – thanks very much for your support!

I appreciate that everyone else is better than me, more successful than me – sorry you have had to make a life with such a failure.

72: Counselling - why?

A lack of 'performance' in the bedroom and I am forced to go the doctors - 'you clearly no longer like me but get yourself checked out.'

The 'ideal' result comes back, there is a potential medical reason as testosterone is low. (Later turns out there is no medical reason - a second test and levels are normal.)

At this point I break down in front of the doctors and ask to be referred for counselling.

What drives me particularly is that I have a dream about taking pills to commit suicide and another one about being in a plane going down and crashing - and me seeing it from the inside and being aware. In both cases I survive. What is worrying is that I rarely remember dreams and I have never dreamt on this subject before.

My pulse which had dropped to 66 over the summer when she was away is continuously elevated.

Death - which has always scared me, particularly since my headmaster died - would now seem a relief.

I know I won't go there but nor is it healthy to even think of such things.

The person from the counselling service confirmed that I had done all the things they would advise people suffering from depression should do: write a diary, share with friends, get exercise, make some space ....

'What you really want is someone to look at your life dispassionately - as your friends will be biased - and perhaps suggest how you can protect yourself, be more selfish?'

I am in the queue for help.

A cousin has suggested energy healing and I have looked on the internet but they do not seem credible and expense will be an issue too.

In the meantime, I have to close my mind as much as I can and try to earn a living.

71: What I really think but cannot say

I cannot say because it may be too hurtful for you. You have never held back and have dealt – and deal – in a currency that is unbelievably harsh but I have desisted and only let out my feelings in this blog.

This is just a rant but I have to get it out. Random things from all over the place.

 For you perhaps, the big things over-rule the small ones. So, I can be a distant, unhelpful husband but if the presents are expensive enough, that’s ok? I am different. For me, it is the small things that matter and no amount of big things compensate for that – in fact, I do not need big things.

 So, I found some old notes in my phone – perhaps you have read it in your routine examinations of my phone. They date from about nine months back:

Have said again and again from almost the start of our marriage – ‘what happens once a month’ that you lose all control? And you know I wasn’t being facetious about your periods. So it is not as if I have not brought your anger to your attention.

 For many years I requested that you do not spend long hours on the computer in bed while I am trying to sleep - no change (current note: better in the new house)

 Have said about farting loudly or in bed - no change

 Have said about shower head - no change (current note: took a year and a half to leave the shower head the way it should be so it does not leak)

Have said about double standards in terms of tidiness and timeliness - no change 

Leave potty marks and period marks - no change

Where was ‘us and a couple’ (your words) when for month after month you ignored me

Where was ‘us and a couple’ when I would come home, do dinner and then do housework till 10. 

I have sometimes stayed at home - for example when putting up pictures. Far from cheery help, you mostly did Facebook and then you kept criticising my cleaning - you could have helped

I had months of disaster warning when I invited a large group around. I succeeded without drama. 

You say you can cope. But two evenings late due to work and there was stress. 6 years I did nothing but work, work and work at work and at home.

I decided to start Boxfit recently – drama about dinner in time. So, I stopped.

 I have prioritised home and got kicked in the teeth. 

‘us and a couple’ needs respect, not constant haranguing. You do it to your parents. I remember your saying to your mum, ‘It’s not as if you cook very well.’ And all in that strident voice of yours.

 I don’t buy you gifts? Generally, completely pooh poohed or exchanged – don’t care about that but you would have if I had reacted in that way.

 You believe in hints. So to increase couple friends I have suggested J and N, E and K, F and I coming for dinner - nothing. Neighbours - nothing. Why do hints only work one way?

When we went out frequently in D. and P. and we did not have a child, were you better? No. I was always waiting for the next blow up.

At the beginning of our marriage, you said you ‘hated’ my sister-in-law. That may have abated but I remained on tenterhooks every time we met. It was a good thing we lived in different countries for many years.

With my cousin, you said to her, ‘Oh he loves you more than he loves me, he went to the shops with you.’ Someone I see once every four years I am entitled. You didn't let me go to the airport with her even though that was the trip where she lost her mother.

And you became angry because she used too many towels – and probably still are fourteen years later.

‘She hugged you more than she hugged me’ - and I had to sit next you all evening at my cousin’s engagement party.

 You are crazy over living in P. now but it was a nightmare then.

 You said that I buy gifts for my god-daughter and not my son. That was one battle – to my shame – I decided not to take on and have completely neglected my god-daughter.

 It is humiliating the way you behave with outsiders and the different way you behave with us inside the house.

We are stupid and have to be controlled. 

And ok I neglect you and so I get that. But our son? The constant drama with a lovely, fantastic boy.

You are aggressive towards those closest to you.

It is all about control. I do not want clothes for Christmas, yet you insist. Actually I do not need anything as I spend money on the gym and golf. I work on what is important to me in looking good. Losing weight and getting fit. 

I am unable to please you historically. This weekend there is a good film out. Our only option is to go to my parents and see it on sat or sun evening. Is that good? Is that bad? Do I need to think of something else? I have no idea what will please you.

There is clearly some sort of insecurity deep within you. You do not know what you want. 

 I have said, ‘I give up. Tell me or do it yourself. Do not wait.’

 Let go of anger, let go of double standards, find some stimulation. And things will be better. 

6 April

Booked resto dinner for last night - you postponed because of friend. The drama if I had done that would not be worth thinking about

 Went to lunch at a nice restaurant – you end up complaining about the kids there. Graceless. 

7 April - I made the effort of ‘a couple’. Watching together on TV. Finished with our son P. early. You stayed on Facebook through the whole time. 

I looked up dates from last year because you say I go out all the time:

 27 March – official farewell (work)

 03 April - purely social 

July 17 - you on holiday or would have gone

Aug - you on holiday or would have gone

10 Sep - 50th birthday for work colleague

19 Sep – retirement party for work colleague

 16 Oct - asked permission to go to an extra evening – drink with colleagues in a new department

17 Oct - my leaving do from my old team. Had to leave my own party early because you were angry

11 Dec - Christmas party

 So, six social events in a year and you would have gone to two of those had you been in town. Is that too many?

Current note

You talked in the summer about work and expect a high paying, fulfilling role to come knocking on your door simply because you have a degree. Life ain’t like that.

 You think it beneath you to try and start as a volunteer or admin. – ‘I have nothing in common with those people.’

 When you have worked, I have seen you work. You will do the minimum necessary. You have no motivation or real desire to work.

You used to say that my mother could have worked instead of complaining if she had only wanted to. Does that not apply to you? And you have far more opportunity than my mum. I say to you, just like our friends M. and S. and many others, you could have worked if you had wanted.

To turn around now and say that you have sacrificed for our son’s sake is a travesty of the truth – you have made your choices and we should not bear the brunt of your regrets.

You say I do not share things about my friends. I mention that I had only just found out that one of my friends and his wife had lost a baby within five days of her being born some ten years ago. After a little while, your reaction, ‘That’s why the wife is a little weird…’ Why shoud I if all you can do is insult?

You are in clover if you can judge people and you are proud of that – apparently that comes from your ‘life experience’, whereas I just go overboard in liking things and people, even such as a cricket hero of mine.

 (You know what? I am proud in return for being passionate about good things like friendship and family and heroes. I am happy not to be judgemental, angry and superior all the time.)

 P. did a character test for school – your answers were on the page. ‘Do you consider yourself to be above average intelligence?’ You wrote, ‘Yes and proud of it.’ The accident of birth has given you an arrogance that is ugly.

 You have lost me. I have tried for many, many years – I cannot go on.

 In the early posts on this blog, I can see that I’ve written things like, ‘What do I do? I have a commitment. I must put my head down and carry on.’

No more.

 Let us hope you do not also lose our son.

 Do you know that on those evenings you go out with your friends, we have the most lovely time? A bit of work, dinner, a game or two and then quiet reading. Unlike the stress that exists when you are around.

Our son – unlike me – is a bounce-backer and in that sense more like you. He will take your punishment and then be as cheerful as before but how long will he carry on like that?

Do you note the times he asks why you have to scold him all the time? When his shoulders slump and his face becomes small at yet another harangue? When he is afraid as you stomp up the stairs? When I have had to take him to one side and, once, out for a drive just to calm him down? When after you have had a go at me, how he comes across and gives me a spontaneous hug?

How does someone become so angry and so hurtful to those she can cause the most damage to?
How?

For six months in 2011 you virtually did not speak to me. Now I know the reason why – a friend (of both of us) from Brussels had come around on your birthday and we did not go out especially for you. So I look at my blog for my last birthday: Come home after lunch and she goes to bed. I look after our son, prepare his dinner etc etc.. No problem of course given this is a week-end and I don't mind as it is just another day to me; how I am treated on a special day is immaterial given how I am treated like dirt the rest of the time. Sunday I don't go to the gym: I know she will be late up as the afternoon siesta has meant that she has gone to bed very late. Usual day, usual work - great birthday week-end.

When I suggest a particular restaurant in town for your birthday, you say it is 'too cheap.'

I wonder how a psychology works that nothing is too much trouble for others but those at home are treated like shit, ironing may never be done at home but is taken to the in-laws, the son and I are continually told to clear up and tidy up when the house remains a mess for the areas down to you  - suitcases not unpacked for eight weeks….

You have a cleaner, a trouble free son and a low maintenance husband and you do not have to go out to a job – so why are you working till 10 and saying you have no time?

You have bashed the car around and it has bumps and scrapes all over. I say nothing. And yet you tell me and your son off if we forget to switch off a light. You lose a diamond earring and that is not a problem but our son gets an earful for a small mishap.

You have said that I should be ashamed of my lack of a pay rise. Whatever you say cannot take away the ten years that I have had with our son and the relationship that I have with him. Get lost for all I care.

You try to control what I wear, call me a tramp. I say nothing.

You know that other wives often have to cancel dinners, lately several have had to go back to work or are told to be careful about money – you have never, never had that with me. Your life, my life, your decisions, my decisions - I am sorry it has not worked out.

I give up.

 

70: Fair

The divorce discussion was traumatic and happened on my birthday while our son was away for the week-end.

I said that perhaps we should keep this to ourselves until after the Christmas and New Year holidays as we were spending it with my brother's family and it was not fair on them or the cousins.

'Fair?! When will someone be fair on me? I gave up friends to marry you and move abroad ...' and then the usual things about not getting presents and so on and so on.

Not fair? Really?

She has had full independence to lead her life

(as for friends, she could not wait to get out of her home town, speaks disdainfully about most of her friends and married of her own volition (albeit in an arranged marriage) someone who lived abroad)

She has had full autonomy to make decisions

As any normal partner would do, I have treated her as an adult

I have provided full support to lead the life she wants

And I continue to do so. In the summer there was much drama about finding work. She expects a high paying, fulfilling role to come rushing to her just because of her precious degree from a top university. She applied a couple of times and got neither but that is not surprising - you have to try and try and try.

I gave her a contact in the Red Cross, introduced them over e-mail and my acquaintance was happy to help. Has she got in touch with my contact in the last five months? No ....

What can I do?

She has had full autonomy to build her life as she would like – P. and I should not have to bear the brunt of her frustrations.

69: Things have reached a head - am broken

I thought I had deleted a Christmas party picture from my phone but, clearly, I had not. It was a picture of two of my close friends and me – one of them being the one she thinks I am having an affair with.  

I happened to leave the phone at home one day, she went into the phone, looked through the pictures, found it, blew up and asked for a divorce. 


(March 2016 note: Now I know that I had deleted the perfectly innocent, but incriminating in her eyes, picture. She would have gone into my phone and opened up a folder I did not even know existed - Recently Deleted Photos.)

Irony is that I did not even take the picture – it was sent from another phone and something must have happened in the messaging that it went into my photos folder.

 I wasn’t hiding. She knew I was going to a party with my old team and that they would be there.

You could argue that I should have refused the photograph or not gone to the party – the latter was what she said. But I have not told my friends the detail of our issues and feel no need to hunker down and be a slave; which  I have been guilty of before.

But, you know what – it was a blessing in disguise.

So, after thinking it over for a couple of days, I said ‘ok’ but that – for our son's sake, and to maintain his lifestyle – divorce was out of the question financially. But I could no longer take the constant anger and stress.

 

So, separate rooms and mental separation – I no longer want to worry about what she thinks.

Who knows where this will lead.

I know I am being cruel but I simply cannot cope any more.

I have been saying that I need to do something but have been at a loss as to what that could be - bizarrely, she is the one who has now given me the idea.