Still living in separate rooms. Have had a quiet Christmas
and New Year period – first at my brother’s and then at our house. We are keeping
to our arrangement of not telling anyone of our separation just yet given that
her birthday is coming up. I have presented her with several hundred pounds for
Christmas and her birthday as it did not seem likely we would go shopping
together – she has accepted.
‘Did you see how much your brother worked over the two days?
He was continuously on his feet from working round the house to banking to
shopping to printing ..’ Clear message that, in our household, she does
everything and I do nothing. Probably now, yes, I do do less but I used to do
all that + ironing + cleaning toilets + hoovering + …. Perhaps I should have
pointed that out. Or that my sister-in-law also contributes through working and
drawing an income. Or that my brother is away three days of the week and has
been away for a year or more in the past – but what’s the point? I am not in competition
with my brother and I am confident that
I have done my bit in terms of support.
(mentioning my brother reminds me that despite what I did
around the house, you used to mention for a number of years – in a tone of
considerable sarcasm – how I had helped him clean his oven or courier over baby
food to Canada or take my nephew to school; as if I was not similarly helpful
to you. All those examples happened before we were married – so this was
retrospective anger and resentment. And, subsequently, I probably did connect
less with my brother and sister-in-law because of you – again, to my shame.)
I mention in conversation that my boss is trying hard to get
a pay rise for me and that there may even be a healthy retention bonus in a
year’s time. And that the new boss of my old team also wants me and I could use
this to my advantage. ‘Why didn’t you get this before? It’s not as if you could
get a job somewhere else.’ ‘When will you re-negotiate the mortgage? We need to
save money to build the bookshelves.’ Nothing about ‘Good luck’, ‘we’ll get
through this period’, ‘I’ll try to get a job’… Not that I tell you any of this
or that you could be a little more efficient in your credit card spend – thanks
very much for your support!
I appreciate that everyone else is better than me, more
successful than me – sorry you have had to make a life with such a failure.
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