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Sunday, 3 January 2016

73 - Yet more challenges to my value


Still living in separate rooms. Have had a quiet Christmas and New Year period – first at my brother’s and then at our house. We are keeping to our arrangement of not telling anyone of our separation just yet given that her birthday is coming up. I have presented her with several hundred pounds for Christmas and her birthday as it did not seem likely we would go shopping together – she has accepted.
‘Did you see how much your brother worked over the two days? He was continuously on his feet from working round the house to banking to shopping to printing ..’ Clear message that, in our household, she does everything and I do nothing. Probably now, yes, I do do less but I used to do all that + ironing + cleaning toilets + hoovering + …. Perhaps I should have pointed that out. Or that my sister-in-law also contributes through working and drawing an income. Or that my brother is away three days of the week and has been away for a year or more in the past – but what’s the point? I am not in competition with my brother and I am  confident that I have done my bit in terms of support.
(mentioning my brother reminds me that despite what I did around the house, you used to mention for a number of years – in a tone of considerable sarcasm – how I had helped him clean his oven or courier over baby food to Canada or take my nephew to school; as if I was not similarly helpful to you. All those examples happened before we were married – so this was retrospective anger and resentment. And, subsequently, I probably did connect less with my brother and sister-in-law because of you – again, to my shame.)

I mention in conversation that my boss is trying hard to get a pay rise for me and that there may even be a healthy retention bonus in a year’s time. And that the new boss of my old team also wants me and I could use this to my advantage. ‘Why didn’t you get this before? It’s not as if you could get a job somewhere else.’ ‘When will you re-negotiate the mortgage? We need to save money to build the bookshelves.’ Nothing about ‘Good luck’, ‘we’ll get through this period’, ‘I’ll try to get a job’… Not that I tell you any of this or that you could be a little more efficient in your credit card spend – thanks very much for your support!
I appreciate that everyone else is better than me, more successful than me – sorry you have had to make a life with such a failure.

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