70: Fair

The divorce discussion was traumatic and happened on my birthday while our son was away for the week-end.

I said that perhaps we should keep this to ourselves until after the Christmas and New Year holidays as we were spending it with my brother's family and it was not fair on them or the cousins.

'Fair?! When will someone be fair on me? I gave up friends to marry you and move abroad ...' and then the usual things about not getting presents and so on and so on.

Not fair? Really?

She has had full independence to lead her life

(as for friends, she could not wait to get out of her home town, speaks disdainfully about most of her friends and married of her own volition (albeit in an arranged marriage) someone who lived abroad)

She has had full autonomy to make decisions

As any normal partner would do, I have treated her as an adult

I have provided full support to lead the life she wants

And I continue to do so. In the summer there was much drama about finding work. She expects a high paying, fulfilling role to come rushing to her just because of her precious degree from a top university. She applied a couple of times and got neither but that is not surprising - you have to try and try and try.

I gave her a contact in the Red Cross, introduced them over e-mail and my acquaintance was happy to help. Has she got in touch with my contact in the last five months? No ....

What can I do?

She has had full autonomy to build her life as she would like – P. and I should not have to bear the brunt of her frustrations.

69: Things have reached a head - am broken

I thought I had deleted a Christmas party picture from my phone but, clearly, I had not. It was a picture of two of my close friends and me – one of them being the one she thinks I am having an affair with.  

I happened to leave the phone at home one day, she went into the phone, looked through the pictures, found it, blew up and asked for a divorce. 


(March 2016 note: Now I know that I had deleted the perfectly innocent, but incriminating in her eyes, picture. She would have gone into my phone and opened up a folder I did not even know existed - Recently Deleted Photos.)

Irony is that I did not even take the picture – it was sent from another phone and something must have happened in the messaging that it went into my photos folder.

 I wasn’t hiding. She knew I was going to a party with my old team and that they would be there.

You could argue that I should have refused the photograph or not gone to the party – the latter was what she said. But I have not told my friends the detail of our issues and feel no need to hunker down and be a slave; which  I have been guilty of before.

But, you know what – it was a blessing in disguise.

So, after thinking it over for a couple of days, I said ‘ok’ but that – for our son's sake, and to maintain his lifestyle – divorce was out of the question financially. But I could no longer take the constant anger and stress.

 

So, separate rooms and mental separation – I no longer want to worry about what she thinks.

Who knows where this will lead.

I know I am being cruel but I simply cannot cope any more.

I have been saying that I need to do something but have been at a loss as to what that could be - bizarrely, she is the one who has now given me the idea.

 

 

68: Our Son, our lovely, lovely son

Our son this week-end wants to do his homework with me.

'No. If you do that, do not expect any help from me.

'You can get your things ready for school, don't expect me to drive you everywhere.'

He was made to feel small, small, small.

But run of behaviours is not as bad as it has been - http://dear-confidant.blogspot.co.uk/2015/03/change-of-target-from-me-to-our-son.html#!/2015/03/change-of-target-from-me-to-our-son.html - and so I let it go.

Reminds me of Christmas 2014 where she had got some free tickets for a film on Boxing Day - 26th December. But our son was really tired after a week-end away and said that he did not want to go.

'Ok don't go - but if you don't, you will not go to this film at all.'

So a tired, nine year old kid had to go to an 8:30 pm show - for a ticket that was free.

One evening a whole diatribe was streaming down the stairs and all our son (P.) could do was put his head into my chest until the storm abated.

The other evening he was reading a book in bed in the evening. 'I have to make the bed. You have to move.' He did not. Then, an explosion. 'You HAVE to do as I say - I do all the work.' The bed could not have been made sometime during the day? (As it happens, beds are only made if the cleaner is coming.)

From a previous post:

The other morning - a Sunday - our son did his piano practice with me in the room. She then strutted in and shouted, 'You haven't done this and that and that and that.' He kept saying he had but she was vicious in her condemnation. So he burst out crying and said to me, 'she always does this, I play something and she says I have not.'

Previously I may have asked him to play again. But, this time, I asked whether he truly, truly had. He said 'yes' and so I continued to cuddle him. The look she gave me could only be described, again, as vicious. Another evening I heard him say, 'will you please stop scolding me constantly?'

Unlike me in my youth, I suspect he will fight back and so she is well on the way to creating a difficult relationship.

'You clearly haven't shampooed properly - this bit is dry.' 'I have.' 'Don't lie, no you haven't.' At which point I walk into the room and show her a photograph of a head full of shampoo - which I had taken as a precaution as she would not believe him. If you're not going to be believed at any point then, soon, you will start to get away with things. I have told him that I trust him and will believe him - but he must not abuse that trust by not - for example - brushing his teeth. He does things faithfully if only he is allowed to do things and not under an assumption that he has gamed/cheated - something he will start doing and she just will not know!!

P. made a film-in-a-day. He does not want to show that to his mum – just share with me.

I do not say anything to P. against his mother. But I cannot describe how difficult it is.
 

Another evening she said, ‘Storm Desmond (a very large recent strom) will blow you away if you don’t listen to me.’P.’s response was, ‘No, it won’t. It will blow you away and baba and I will live happily ever after.’

I have to protect him and protect myself. I should have been stronger a long time ago.

67: Clearly A Failure

Yesterday I get home and she tells me about a dad from school who had been offered  a role in Singapore, Shanghai or Houston. The obvious implication being that he was more successful than me and that I was clearly a failure.

No doubt the failure bit is true - comparatively speaking - but is that a supportive partner? You think I am imagining this?

The conversation carries on:

'Are you applying for any jobs right now?'

No

'What is your designation now? 'Head of ..' like you were before or just a 'Manager?'

Manager

'What about your friends?'

No response from me.

'Are you going to the gym on Monday evening?'

Probably not as I have a meeting with my big boss.

'How old is he?'

Mid to late 50s I suppose.

'At least he is not younger than you.'

Where do I go with this? Have I really provided such a  poor and deprived life?

I am earning more than £100k per annum and her lack of control means that this is not quite enough - and I am trying to go higher. But it is all attack, attack, attack.

In contrast, I wake up the next morning, come out of our room and get a 'daaaaad' from our son who is already awake, a huge smile and massive hug.

I have a son who loves me, valued friends, family members who appreciate me and provide me with support. Am I that bad a person?

This is not how I imagined my life panning out.

66: Low Tesosterone - and sympathy (not)

I went to the doctors for my erectile dysfunction and a marginally low level of testosterone was diagnosed.

This was virtually the ideal result – so ‘lack of performance’ was not down to psychological issues and what she would perceive as her fault. She was happy I am sure.

The Next Cutting Comment

Through my teens and twenties I did not have a girlfriend. Blame me, blame my Asian background – this is not an uncommon story. The women whom I did like, I lacked the confidence to do anything about so as not to threaten a friendship. A good friend’s mum asked him whether I was gay?!

I had written diaries in my teens but in my twenties I wrote a lot of letters to friends and relations. The feedback that I’ve had from them has always been appreciative and positive. Being somewhat lonely, I suppose the letters helped me and were enjoyed by others.

Now, there used to be a writer called James Thurber who always kept copies of his correspondence. Partly inspired by this, I also kept copies of what I wrote and retained the ones I received. They became my diary. A little strange perhaps but a chronicle of sorts – and we would today use Facebook maybe.

‘Did the GP ask you whether you had had girlfriends when you were young? If your friend had been a GP he would have. Your friends should be told about this. This explains it. Instead of chasing after girls, you were writing letters and keeping photocopies – how weird is that.’

So…

Where she wanted sympathy for a potential early menopause, the nearest male equivalent evinces the response above.

Does depression lead to low testosterone or does low testosterone lead to depression? Whichever it may be, I am there ....

65: Bits and Pieces

Time
I come home and say, ‘there is a free aqua class you can try on Sunday at the gym.’

‘What time is it at?’ Swiftly followed by, ‘I can’t go anyway – housework does not get done by itself.’

Now, even if I were a useless slob who could not clean, iron and cook, a full time housewife should be able to juggle to get away for an hour on a Sunday. No? Martyrdom again.

Social

‘We used to go out more with your old team. They were a lot more inclusive of partners.’ (about 4 occassions over two years)

She is talking pre-2005 when we did not have a child. Obviously, we could join in as a couple at that time.

Then, post-baby, for about 7 years, we were both effectively home bound as she refused – despite my suggestion – to use babysitters.

Since then, I have given myself a little more time. But I checked the other day and it was only about 4 times in a year.

But, in any case, with the team that she resents:

she came along to Frisbee but sat there and read a book and did not participate – while my son and I played.

we have been to J.’s house twice for dinner / barbecue

we have been to R.s house for a party

we would have gone to C.’s house had she not been in India.

we would have gone to  B.’s house had she not been in India.

Again, why let the facts get in the way of a good story. But I really could not be bothered to argue.

Money
She has now started to tell me how much she spends.

'£X on his birthday party - I got a Groupon offer'; ‘only 44p for the dress – I had a £10 token – I did not buy new.’

I have never, NEVER, asked her for accounts. She has spent without any bar. We are adults, we should be a partnership, we should be able to take joint responsibility – that has always been my attitude.

But, it if pleases her to do this as part of her suffering, humiliation and martyrdom – so be it.

I really can’t be bothered with all this - I am beyond all this but cannot leave.

64: Appointments and Assignations - whom do I meet?

So I was taken to task for having spoken to B. over the phone.

I thought I would take a quick look at my diary. Over the last four weeks or so:

Spoke to B. over the phone as she has been very unwell and not in the office

L. (older female – catch up and drinks)

R. (male – coffee re: possible new opportunity)

S. (male – coffee re: bringing him in to a new opportunity)

P. (male – catch – up breakfast over work issues)

C. (male – breakfast to help with an interview)

R. (male – lunch – general catch up)

J. (male – walk to discuss next steps for his career)

 

P. (male - discussing 360 review for him and how he is starting a new role)

G. (male - discussing 360 review for him)

D. (male - gone to another organisation - breakfast catch-up)

M. (female - colleague from an old team - catch-up and support)

I do not think I am duty bound to clear every meeting I have.

B. is just one of several friends whom I meet and try to help or get help from.

But what is the point of debating all that – why let facts get in the way of a good story?

With one of the above (a male) I shared some of my travails. He then sent me a message - obviously unprompted:

Morning. Feeling a bit useless that I can't do more to help but don't forget, here to help in any way I can. In all the time I've known you, you have always looked out for everyone else. That's a rare and special quality and I am grateful to be a prime beneficiary. Chin up Mr B. You're a good man with good friends to support you.

Oh, and I suddenly found my wallet emptied the other day. Presumably she was looking for receipts that would show that I had spent money on B.? Found nothing suspicious because there is nothing going on.

Reminds me that many years ago she did find a receipt for a gift token I had bought for my god-daughter who must have been 12 or so about then.

'You buy gifts for your god-daughter but not for your son.'

Really?!!! Anyone who knows us will know how much of an insult and travesty that is.

(I think this was driven from the fact that the god-daughter's mother - who was my friend initially - is somehow not liked by M. - too provincial. But there is an excuse not to like virtually any of my friends - so nothing new there.)

But, to my shame, I said nothing, hunkered down and did not buy another present and, for sure, have neglected my god-father duties. But there were just so many harangues I could take without adding another one.

Maybe I will explain to C. one day...