164: The Day the Music Died 2 (!)

 I wrote - sometime back in 2019 - about how I found some old papers and some old love letters - Entry 141: The Day the Music Died. These showed how the issues that have mushroomed over the years were always there.

Going through some other boxes, I found the Valentine's Letter 2000 that I referred to in the Entry 141.

I go on for two A4 pages about how much I love her - I was coming back from a trip and wrote this in an airport lounge. 'I love you so much and have missed you so dearly on this last trip. I don't think I have loved you more than I do just now when we are apart. I cannot wait to see you again in a few hours' time, to hold you, to talk with you, to be silly with you.' 

(since our marriage - a few months earlier) 'it is impossible to imagine life without you as a friend and lover. One of my dreams having been fulfilled - ie finding you - I have one great aim left. And that is to be the man that I want to be inside. For now I am too petty, too inhibited, too constrained by complexes, too much of a bluffer. But, with your strength, even that is possible.'

And then I go on:

'Am I allowed to criticize? Just as I hope you will work on me so I hope you will allow me to work on you. [Remember, this was written 20 years ago - in much younger days.] All I would ask is that you be a little more forgiving of others and live by looser rules than you do. You have often berated me for what I believe are, ultimately, some of my strong points - and I've been similarly criticised in the past by my family; I was hoping to get a more sympathetic hearing from you! Yes, I am willing to ring when others have not rung me. Yes, I am willing to overlook slights. Yes, I am willing to go out of my way. As a result I have a strong set of friends and a family which thinks reasonably of me. None of us is perfect but we do think ourselves to be, then we judge others, find that they are not and that's when the trouble starts.

'Life is good. I can confidently say that, amongst my family and my friends and your family and friends, there is not one person who would wish us anything other than the best - let's enjoy that. Let's have an easy life.'

Unhappiness and control - a toxic mixture - how did I have the energy to survive so long and I am angry that my vulnerability has been quite so abused. For the sake of our son, I stay.

163: Someone finds me attractive (!)

 I have thought long and hard before putting this up - but, as this is a picture of my life, I decided to do so in the end.

Someone - a woman - I have known for a very long time, and we keep in touch anyway, said that she 'needed' to speak to me.

We had a conversation but I did not feel that we had addressed the issue she needed to discuss.

Another conversation - another unsatisfactory conclusion.

Ultimately she wrote to say that for some while now she had been physically attracted to me and, despite the dangers of sharing this, she wanted to let me know. 'Fuck it, you need to know.'

This, for me, was an unique situation - never happened to me. I have always considered myself to be short, fat and ugly and have never considered that anyone could be attracted to me physically. I am a nice enough guy and try to look after myself, but this was different.

I was able to share back - genuinely - that in our younger days I had had something of a crush on her myself!! And I thanked her for sharing and for saying something to me that meant so much to me.

We now talk more regularly. She is married happily and even though that is not the case for me, even when I split, a long-term relationship would be the last thing I would be looking for - to place an ounce of my 'happiness' into someone else's hand and to be even minutely, formally accountable for someone else's is now beyond me.

But, lovely of her to say what she did and lovelier still to make that connection as the feeling was mutual.

162: Pizza Day unhappiness again (!)

 Not having written for quite a while, thought I would check back on my last entry - and there were my irritations on the day that I had made some pizza. Today was also such a day!!!!

So, one piece of news that should be positive is that she has started work again. Having previously always gone on and on about starting in roles 'beneath her' - as I've written before (just below 'current note') - she has taken such an administrative job at a school. She had done well there as an agency employee and so she was asked to interview and won the role. Great for her and she seems to be enjoying it. But where I had hoped that stresses would not rise, they are.

The target is to cook more than we usually on the weekend so that we don't have to cook in the evenings. Take it in turns on the Saturday or Sunday. I cooked last weekend and had offered to do so again this time.

Had a few things to do through the day and so I cooked from 9 am or so till 11 to get the task over with and done. (I am of course looking after my son's school lunches and the dinner time routine all days anyway.)

'Please don't cook in the morning from now on. It stinks the house out and I don't like waking to that.'

'Use a lower heat when cooking.'

'Don't use that spoon - I use that for pasta only.' (news to me!)

It is almost as if there is something in the DNA that has to say 'criticise' - that can show no or little appreciation. And, with our son, she veers from 'kuchi, kuchi' to really very aggressive - as ever, he appears to be able to brush things off far better than I ever could.

Previously, there was always huge tension on school mornings. He would have to set off at 7:40 am and she would not come down to make his lunch till about 7:20 and then he would be slow and the whole thing was a drama every day. Now, she leaves at 7:15 am, I do everything and all is calm.

But, as soon as she returns in the evening, it is 'do this, do that' - and all in that strident and demanding tone. The need to control and the need to criticise - where does it come from? My mother was the same, and they went to the same school - perhaps that is what they taught / teach there!!

I am tired, just so tired. I wish to God that her soul-mate / moment of blinding love walks in through her school doors and she is compelled to leave me and us.

My mother has been stuck in India because of Covid. She has become very unwell and is finally due back on 29 September 2020. My sister-in-law has flown out to bring her back and my mother is due to come and stay with us initially.

Unfortunately, I am due to be away for an annual golf weekend from 2-4 October and today my wife tells me, 'can you mother stay with your brother initially as, with work and everything, I won't be able to look after her without you.'

Somewhat ironic this, as she spends much of her time being all loud and noisy about how competent she is compared to others!!

So, I will probably end up cancelling the golf - no big deal - as my brother and sister-in-law may have other commitments. I will have done the cooking and everything, so I do not see the issue and, the other way round (ie her parents come, I'm working and she is away, I would have coped) - but, hey ho.

Just fucking tired.