57: Is it in the DNA?

Sitting around the dinner table with my wife's parents.

Her mother says, ‘years ago, after doing all the housework in the morning, I used to go to my teaching job. On the way back, I would often meet up with friends – but had to lie to my mother-in-law as she would have gotten angry if she had found out that I had not come straight home.’

Around another dinner table with her aunt and my sister-in-law – her brother’s wife. ‘Your wife’s grandmother often used to get angry. And no one knew what would set her off.’

Her own father: ‘She gets her anger from my mother. You see, that is why I am always jittery.’

Her own mother: ‘She is a bit of a possessive and moody woman - khandanni.’

56: A Lot Has Happened

A lot has happened in the last few months – a lot of traumatic conversations. Are things better? No.

Some of the history I will recapitulate in subsequent updates – this one here is for more recent incidents.

But let me start with something good.

The other day I was lying down next to our son when he woke up. And he gave me the smile that he used to give when he was little – one of recognition and affection. He reminded me of why I keep going.

Right now, with constraints on pay, my wage has not increased for quite a few years. Our expenses, however, have grown – not least because we moved to a new house when we had actually paid off the mortgage on the old one. Until we can move to a new deal – hopefully next year – I have suggested that we need to be a little careful about money. For the first time ever.

Mostly, I have asked her to be careful about our credit card bill which, when she is around, averages at about £1400 per month. When I am on my own, it is about £200 per month. August was low as she was away and, for my mistake, I said that half of that was the very expensive meal we had at a very expensive restaurant. Her response was that I had not bought a present – ‘which everyone does’ – and so I had actually got away ‘cheaply’. So, almost £150 for the meal and over £100 for the theatre – and I clearly had not spent enough.

I also got into trouble for not taking a selfie and putting it on Facebook. Firstly, my battery had run out, secondly, I did suggest it a number of times on her phone and, thirdly, I have basically stopped Facebook entirely as she was accusing me of having the wrong friends.

She has said that I do not share things about work. The other day I said that one of my colleagues had moved to a not-very-nice part of London from a very posh area because she was moving in with her boyfriend. ‘Oh, she can’t have lived there. She told you this and you believed her!’

I joined a team at work in order to undertake something called a Global Corporate Challenge whereby teams compete to see how much exercise they are doing. I said that, according to my performance, I was in the 85 percentile. ‘Oh that’s because fit people do not join these things.’ Given that there were 4,000 teams with 10 in each, the sample size was not unreasonable, as it happens.

Right now, the accusation of having an affair with a colleague continues. Not true. Yes, this person has been my confidant and she knows of my/our issues but that is all there is to it. She removed herself from my Facebook friends list and my wife actually wanted my phone the other day to ensure that the person had been removed.

Continually, there is this wall of negativity and aggression.

I could tell her that I found an old letter I had written to her in 2000. She had been in India and over the phone must have told me how she felt she was not being treated well by my parents and had used the word ‘hate’ in the context of my sister-in-law. I do not remember that conversation but my letter – which she received – suggests that it must have happened.

So, long before the current accusation, there has been this theme of attacking / disliking anyone I may be close to. My sister-in-law, my cousin, good friends – all are talked about with disdain and dislike. I am sure I have held back on connections because of this.

Of course, I also have too much ‘fun’ when, in fact, she is the one with free time all through the day – as cooking, washing etc. only starts in the evening. So, I have withdrawn my gym membership.

I do not want to cross the border of saying, ‘nothing will ever be good enough for you. As we cannot afford to divorce, let’s be in separate rooms and cut the pretence.’

But I am fed up. I continue to try my best and continue to make an effort but every moment seems tense and dramatic.

Everyone tells me I have greyed and appear distant and sad. Is it any wonder?

55: Change of Target - from me to our son

Now that it is clear to her that she will have no effect on me, she appears to have trained her sights on our lovely son.

5 days in a row now that she has made him cry and feel miserable. Where does this bullying nature come from? Her parents do not appear to be like that at all.

Let's see what I find when I get home this evening.

I keep consoling my son that my mother used to scold me too - but I need to do something. Don't I?

54: The Last Whinge

One more whiny whinge and then I am done. I started this blog so I would not forget - so I would evidence the petty everyday slights and the utter selfishness of the woman. And it has served a purpose in terms of me unloading stuff I cannot unload elsewhere. But patterns keep repeating themselves and so there is no point in making the effort to remember.

Our son is also 'fighting back.' In addition to 'don't scold me all the time' he got very cute the other day. He wanted to see a couple of shows on the TV but also needed to finish off homework. So, I said, watch X from 5 to 5:30 and then finish off the work between 5:30 and 6:00

'Your life should not be driven by shows,' she declares.

'But your's is: when you say we have to hurry up and finish dinner because your show starts at 8 pm!'

She had no response to this!!!!

To my son: If you are reading this at some indeterminate time in the future - perhaps when I am gone - please note that I have told her she is being unfair to you. I have tried to be friends with you and I always will. You are my hero and my universe. I am sorry I could not protect you further but I will always try to protect you enough.

As nothing changes and hypocrisies continue, there is no point in writing the same things over and over again. 'Nuff said - on to more positive things and more a life blog!

But one last....

So our son has a blood test on Monday and I decide to take the day off as she is not always confident of her parking ability -  and it's winter so waiting around at bus stops is something I wanted them to avoid.

That though is in the afternoon. In the morning, I drop off our son and instead of going to the driving range as I had planned, come back to the house as she has said that she needs to go shopping in the morning.

I do a good 2.5 hours of ironing. At coming up to 12 she says she is no longer shopping. I am trying to walk 10,000 steps per day and so I walk to the library to print out some homework for our son.

'Could you pick me up from the library at 1:30 and then we can go over to the school for the pick up time of 2 pm?'

'I want to get to school before 2 pm as I want to leave on the dot,' she responds.

'Never mind,' I say, 'I'll see you at school.'

I do my work, wander over to the school by 1:40 .... but she arrives after 2 pm; all she had had to do was get ready and change - still she was late.

Head over to the hospital do the test, I promise our son to play football in our garden before it gets dark. But, first, we have to detour to a shop so M. can buy a particular type of packaged food for a friend.

I play football, get away to the gym for a bit, come back, clear up, have a cuddle with my son to put him to bed. And I am bloody well criticised for not washing his lunch box sufficiently well (in her eyes) and am reprimanded for not taking upstairs a couple of things she had left at the bottom of the stairs. I could fight back to show up the imbalance of work but decide not to - just pick up the things and move on. In fact it is our son who shouts from his bed, 'Mama don't be so harsh on baba.'

So what is the key takeaway from this day. Do good work, help substantially, adjust to her needs but just be told off with no balancing 'thanks.' And that our son's playing time after a hospital visit was delayed because she had to get something random from the mall for her friend - who, no doubt, will say, 'Oh M, you are so efficient.' As for her work - shopping not done, and tidying her shoes from off the floor to the cupboard - still not complete.

This need to impress the outside and not care about those nearest to her can have an amusing side. On the week-end we were going to visit my parents. Near there, there is a very nice park and, despite winter, it being a nice day, we thought we might go for a walk.

'Are you going to wear that sweater? What if somebody sees you? Are you not changing your trousers?'

The new me simply said, 'yep I am and no I am not.' 'And we'll have coats on anyway.'

Even if we did not,  on a Saturday afternoon stroll, would it really matter what I was wearing? Seriously?!!

I think you get the idea - all outside and how it appears to the outside world.

I can't help wondering whether the critique is true. I know I am boring but also the bit about callous, uncaring and harsh. Perhaps her behaviour inside the house is due to my poor attitudes and unsupportive stance. But how does that explain her attitude towards our son who is just the loveliest person? His teachers write about his gentle and generous nature, how he helps his friends and is unfailingly courteous, he gets invited often to his mates' houses and the mothers love him for his behaviour - so it is not just me. It is some weird model of parenthood mixed in with other issues of frustration and depression. Well, fuck it, harsh or not, I've had enough.

53: Progress report on not giving a fuck

(We are not by the way, since about mid-October! :-))

Come home this evening - a Friday - and walk in at about 7 pm.

They are both at the dinner table in the kitchen - no sign of any food anywhere. 

'You'll have to do the chicken for us, and his meal.'

No problem, do all that by 7:30, we have our meal, clean up, give our son a cuddle and come downstairs again at 9:30 pm.

Only now has she brought the clothes out of the washing machine - having basically, clearly, not done anything for the whole day as the mess that has been the house all week remains a mess.

Anyway, help further and at 10 pm settle down to watch some sport on the laptop.

'I need that for a bit to check the bank account.'

She could not have done that all day? She has to to do that just at the point where I have sat down for the first time in the day to relax? My day having started with waking up my son and making Madam a coffee at 7 am.

Is this deliberate or just a casual selfishness/callousness. Would like to think it is just a nature thing rather than deliberate.

But, I stay calm, do my jobs, do not react in any way.

So....

After our bust up, things are not back to normal but we are living civilly if not as friends or partners. Strained to be honest. But I am not giving in and I am caring marginally less.

The other morning - a Sunday - our son did his piano practice with me in the room. She then strutted in and shouted, 'You haven't done this and that and that and that.' He kept saying he had but she was vicious in her condemnation. So he burst out crying and said to me, 'she always does this, I play something and she says I have not.'

Previously I may have asked him to play again. But, this time, I asked whether he truly, truly had. He said 'yes' and so I continued to cuddle him. The look she gave me could only be described, again, as vicious. Another evening I heard him say, 'will you please stop scolding me constantly?'

Unlike me in my youth, I suspect he  will fight back and so she is well on the way to creating a difficult relationship.

'You clearly haven't shampooed properly - this bit is dry.' 'I have.' 'Don't lie, no you haven't.' At which point I walk into the room and show her a photograph of a head full of shampoo - which I had taken as a precaution as she would not believe him. If you're not going to be believed at any point then, soon, you will start to get away with things. I have told him that I trust him and will believe him - but he must not abuse that trust by not - for example - brushing his teeth. He does things faithfully if only he is allowed to do things and not under an assumption that he has gamed/cheated - something he will start doing and she just will not know!!

The usual hypocrisies continue. The bed gets made only on the mornings that the cleaner is coming. We have new cupboards now, including a shoe cupboard, but the shoes have been lying all over the floor for two weeks now. Taking ironing to my parents to do ironing there when she never irons at home.

Another Sunday the plan was for me to come back from the gym and we would go out for lunch and shopping - coming back in time for me to take our son cycling.

I came back at 10:45 am and she had only just woken up. 'Clearly, we won't be able to make it back for cycling now.'

'No, of course we can, we just need to leave by 1200. I'll get him ready.'

Takes her time, no attempt at hurrying and we finally leave at 1 pm.

He wants McDonalds and because of time she herself suggests McDonalds for us as well - though I know she will think herself as some sort of victim. 'Are you enjoying the Sunday lunch? Supposed to be the best meal of the week?' she asks sarcastically of our son.

He, of course, does not get the sarcasm and continues munching away! I keep quiet - if she had got her arse in gear we might have had time to go to a proper restaurant. 

Previously I would have felt guilty or apprehensive about her feelings - but none of that now. If she snores, I move to the other room. I state what I am thinking and - while always behaving reasonably - do not try to second guess her reaction. If she asks what is clearly a loaded question, I respond at face value.

How long can this last before a big blow up? Don't know but I simply do not have the desire to be what I was. I will go soft, treat her as I would someone I have affection for  and then be kicked in the teeth. Do not want to go there again.

But am calm, am clear.

52: The Reaction (Feb '15)

So my more independent attitude and not wishing to take everything lying down has had something of an effect.

She said to me, 'You are clearly not happy with me. Take some time off and we need to talk. What do you want to do?' The words, as I write them, seem reasonable enough but the tone and body language are not.

I also really can't be bothered. Have tried talking before and there is never any consistency or cohesiveness to the debate. So I put my thoughts down on paper.

It is not so much that I am not ‘happy’ with you – what does that matter anyway – but that any objective view would show that you are not happy with me. Nothing I do seems to make you happy and, more or less, for me, being at home is one constant stream of criticism or instructions or challenge.

The Christmas episode was enlightening. For the past few years I have bought you an expensive handbag which you have then returned and bought other stuff. That did not matter to me though it would to you – what matters is you get something you like and want. This year, I decided to go shopping with you and, yes, we did not get something in time. I felt – and this is my judgement only – the ensuing drama was unfair. This is a year in which there have been two India visits, Greece, US, handbags, diamond ring and what not. It is not as if we have not spent money on discretionary items.

You are very good at criticising what our son and I do but can you say that you role model the behaviours that you expect of us? The papers have been all over the dining table for two (?) weeks now. The credit card receipts have not been looked at for months and now are still lying all over the floor. Suitcases don’t get unpacked for months. Do you not get distracted? Procrastinate? Be untidy? Do you not fall behind on ironing and have clothes in every room? And I quite often catch up on that.

I have no issue with any of that as I procrastinate, am lazy and am untidy. What I have a problem with is that you apply different standards to others than you do to yourself. This is unfair.

I have written to you before about how leaving your house work to the end of the day makes the day long and increases stress – to this you have now added making lunch for our son in the morning. That is your choice – but the stress comes out on us.

You seem to have an approach that you can say almost anything to me (or our son), which you download and then assume that we can forget and all is well. He appears to me to be a light-bulb person, and that is great, but I am not – never have been. Through 2011 from the beginning of the year to our Venice trip you hardly had a civil word for me. At a time when work was really tough, I would be scared of coming home. This happened again at the back end of 2012. I will skip over the short term variations in mood that I used to joke about from almost the very beginning of our marriage.

Moving to our new house visibly made you happy but that has turned out to be short lived.

As I wrote in my last letter, I am tired. To survive, I have to believe that I am an ok person. I am not judgemental and I do not expect of others what I do not expect from myself. I have tried to be a supportive husband and a good father – in the past, a good son. But, clearly, I have not succeeded. And, so, I give up. I give up questioning my every action against your possible reaction. I give up trying to second guess you. I give up worrying all the time. I give up being afraid all the time.

Every fundamental decision in the last ten years has been driven by you. Having a child, living as far away from my parents as possible, no babysitters, not working, not really having any hobbies, new house and so on. I have been entirely supportive. But there are consequences to all of those – not going out often, life revolving around school, routine and boring work in the house, time-in-the-car for examples. If you are not happy with those, then I cannot compensate.

Please allow me to be clear. I am not suggesting any particular action – you have to work out what works for you.

Because, at your best, you are friendly, charming and fun. The M. that the world sees – the one that is ‘smiling even when no one’s looking’ - is too rare a sight inside the house. Sometimes/often your need for control is unnecessary – buying a happy birthday card at the Card Factory as opposed to Paperchase as if that is in any way material or not failing to tell me that I had left the hall light on. I lied the other day, saying that I had woken up early and turned it on, for fear of your reaction; in fact, you had been the last one to bed and you left it on again on Sunday night. ‘So what?’ is my reaction but you seem to need to make a point of showing up a failing – an attitude I do not get.

There are other things that I admire about you. Your capacity for special projects, your support of our son’s activities. But I have no idea what makes you so unhappy, this up and down. A few months ago you behaved atrociously to both him and me – the following Monday all was sweetness and light. I remember asking you, ‘where was this M. last week? Where did she disappear to?’ So it is not as if I have not pointed this out gently in the past.

You will no doubt say that I do not show enough appreciation? But I have felt ‘beaten up’ too many times, gone to bed crying too many times. I would venture to say, however, that I have supported you more than most in your roles as mother and homemaker. We all have our roles and the office is no holiday no matter what you think – you have chosen the job you want and we all have to do our jobs.

As to ‘what you want to do,’ there is no option. Whether you believe it or not, we have a good life. We have a wonderful, wonderful child who needs to be nurtured, whom we need to support so he grows up to be confident of making mistakes rather than be afraid of them. We have a lovely house which will be a beautiful home, we have our health, we have intelligence, good friends and reasonable money.

If you want to talk about any of this, am happy to do so. But, in a sense, let’s just forget it and carry on. I will always react to your moods. I am very much the same at work as I am at home in that I am not big enough or good enough to overcome my environment – I will reflect my environment; light will begat light, heavy will begat heavy. 

One friend thinks we have the ‘perfect marriage’ and everyone complimented us at X's 50^th. It is possible to get there and I will play my part but please give yourself and us a break. If you can tell me what will make you happy, I will try my best to oblige if it is within my power and our resources to do so.

She came back with, 'I have read it but you don't want to talk about it - so there's no point in my talking about it.'

Fair enough and I know I should talk but I am just so tired. I replied to her e-mail:

'I am just very tired M. 

'I am not a bad person and yet, I have been made to feel as if I am not so nice. Selfish, mean, stubborn, cold etc. etc.. 

'Of course you are not either, as your many friends and family will witness. 

'I love the M. that is affectionate, efficient, fun and smiley and I don’t think I am so bad that that person cannot be around more. 

'But why discuss when I have said I do not particularly wish to ….. perhaps just a little of peace and space will help. 

And if there are particular actions you want me to take, let me know.'

I have  kept away from any incendiary accusations that I list out more fully in this blog - meanness, selfishness, utter nastiness when she wants to make a point. Best I can do right now.

51: Fuck it ... llife goes on (Jan '15)

A dear friend of mine sent me this little  beauty:

http://markmanson.net/not-giving-a-fuck

We both feel that we do the right things and are ok people but we just get fucked over. So - as a New Year's Resolution-with-a-capital-R, we will try not to give a fuck.

Have tried to make a start already.

Instead of one week-day evening at the gym, I'm going to go twice. She snores, so if I'm not asleep and can't get to sleep, or am disturbed out of sleep, I just go to the guest room to sleep - where previously I would have worried about offending her.

Have I written about the pearl earrings yet? Or the diamond one?

So, it is a couple of days away from her birthday and we are due to go to a large nearby mall - timing it so my son and I can also go to a film he wants to watch. I give him breakfast and go to the gym. Am back by 1030 am and she has not even come downstairs yet, let alone get ready. So it is one o'clock by the time we leave - too late for the film.

This timing issue and hypocrisy issue bothers the hell out of me - I'll come back to the jewellery story. The next day she has to be out of the house by 9:30 am to meet her friends and of course she is - timing only does not matter when it is us.

Hypocrisy also comes from the fact that she is always getting at us for putting things away and being tidy. And, yet, usually the whole house is a mess - generally a clean up happens early on the day the cleaner is due to come! And I had to do a couple of hours ironing again today because sheets and our son's clothes had piled up and up - in addition to mine which I always do anyway. I ask about his school uniform and am told it is in the wash - Ms Organisation not organised.

Today - a Sunday - I give him some milk and biscuits, go the gym, am back by 11. Breakfast only just finished for them. Prepare lunch, take him to a film, come back and iron. Prepare his dinner and take him upstairs for some reading and a good night cuddle. Only then does she get down to cooking some food for him to take to school tomorrow and putting things in the wash. This will mean that she will probably miss a TV programme she wants to watch and mentally will be saying, 'oh I'm so busy, I can't even watch some TV.'

All this - and other entries - probably make me sound anal. I am really not, as my friends will probably testify. I like consistency, I do not like panic or being vexed, I like calm but I know things can go wrong and I do not expect of others what I do not expect of myself.

Anyway, back to the earrings. Despite all the displeasure of me, she is not  averse to buying a birthday present at the mall last week. Leather jackets still don't fit but pearl earrings? Yeah, reassuringly expensive.

Makes me laugh then that when I want to order a book for my former boss who is not very well at all, she takes the reigns and searches on the internet for somewhere which sells it a couple of pounds cheaper!?! The true meaning of penny wise, pound foolish. And the need to control, control, control.

Then she also proceeds to lose a diamond earring. Is she particularly bothered? Does not seem like it? My reaction to her? Do I rant and rave as she would to our son if he were to lose something valuable? No. Do I want to rant and rave? No. When will she realise that to expect perfection of others when one is not perfect oneself is unbelievably immature? Never is my best guess.