The relative peace continues at home.
After the epiphany moment I wrote about last week, I have been more relaxed. We speak civilly at home but that's about it.
No laughter, no sharing and no joy except for when we discuss our son.
Wednesday 13 April 2011
Tuesday 22 March 2011
Entry 10: An Epiphany (sort of...)
Life has been pretty calm of late. Partly due to the fact that I had an epiphany moment the other day.
Something has 'clicked' inside me and I wonder if things will ever be the same again - which is a terrifying thought to contemplate given that we are both relatively young. Anyway, the epiphany was that I cannot let this issue affect me adversely: I could easily let this thing gnaw away at me and become the only thing I think about. So, at work as well as at home, I have decided that I will concern myself with and do my best at the things that I control, I will advise in the areas I can influence but ignore the rest and not get upset or excited. This the only way to bring some focus to my mind.
Already I have avoided meeting up with friends - other than close ones - as I haven't been in the mood to be relaxed and friendly; this I have to correct.
I was telling a close friend I did meet up with about some of my issues, and it occurred to me that I have always relied on my friends to give me confidence. They are the only group who have an unadulteratedly positive view of me and in whose company I feel some worth. One's partner should be there to support, to help, to build up and not to criticise, make one feel small and treat like an idiot.
Something has 'clicked' inside me and I wonder if things will ever be the same again - which is a terrifying thought to contemplate given that we are both relatively young. Anyway, the epiphany was that I cannot let this issue affect me adversely: I could easily let this thing gnaw away at me and become the only thing I think about. So, at work as well as at home, I have decided that I will concern myself with and do my best at the things that I control, I will advise in the areas I can influence but ignore the rest and not get upset or excited. This the only way to bring some focus to my mind.
Already I have avoided meeting up with friends - other than close ones - as I haven't been in the mood to be relaxed and friendly; this I have to correct.
I was telling a close friend I did meet up with about some of my issues, and it occurred to me that I have always relied on my friends to give me confidence. They are the only group who have an unadulteratedly positive view of me and in whose company I feel some worth. One's partner should be there to support, to help, to build up and not to criticise, make one feel small and treat like an idiot.
Tuesday 8 March 2011
Entry 9: A Microcosm
A microcosm of why I have given up.
Last Monday and Tuesday I stayed home to do odd jobs around the house - like putting up mirrors and pictures and so on. I had initially brought the stuff out of the garage in August last year and then taken a day off in October to do the work but she hadn't made up her mind.
Anyway, I do the drilling and things, there's dust around. I use the dustpan and brush. No thanks for the work, the minimum help with the activity but immediate criticism for having used the dustpan and brush instead of the vacuum cleaner. Couldn't she have got off her fat arse and gone round cleaning after each drilling if she felt the need instead of sitting around and doing Facebook while I worked?
Last Monday and Tuesday I stayed home to do odd jobs around the house - like putting up mirrors and pictures and so on. I had initially brought the stuff out of the garage in August last year and then taken a day off in October to do the work but she hadn't made up her mind.
Anyway, I do the drilling and things, there's dust around. I use the dustpan and brush. No thanks for the work, the minimum help with the activity but immediate criticism for having used the dustpan and brush instead of the vacuum cleaner. Couldn't she have got off her fat arse and gone round cleaning after each drilling if she felt the need instead of sitting around and doing Facebook while I worked?
Monday 7 March 2011
Entry 8: Help!
No, we haven't spoken about our issues. Life continues peaceably enough but there is no laughter and no fun. But things are definitely not getting better.
She fell really ill on Thursday (3rd) and spent the whole day in bed - some sort of viral. Better on Friday but down again on Friday evening. Drama, drama, drama - 'man-flu' in a woman.
So on Saturday I do about three hours of ironing from all the stuff that had been piling up for weeks. (the cleaner usually only has time to do a few things each week and then I - not she - have to blitz.) This in addition to taking our son to the shops to buy a toy, give him a shower, get him ready, keep him entertained, run the wash and do the drying and prepare lunch for us all. She was too ill to help in any of this but not too ill to work out some complicated train timings for a friend of hers and do Facebook.
And the point is, I do not mind. I do not need thanks and nor do I need praise. But it is the additional heap of criticisms and accusations of being uncaring which truly make me angry. Like, today, early in the morning, I unload the dishwasher, get our son ready for school and drop him off. And then are snide comments about my having forgotten to give him his water bottle and a snack. Yes, I did forget and I should not have but, really, is it fair to focus only on that?
So I come home from work, immediately get down to feeding our son. Am informed that she is still not well and will not be having any dinner. I get a bite from the fridge, have dinner with our son, read him a story, put him to bed and then go back down to the kitchen to clear up. All this time she is too ill to eat or help but well enough to do Facebook.
I met an old friend of mine for lunch last Friday and shared with her some of my frustrations. This is something I have not done before - mostly because I do not see the point of burdening someone else with my stuff but partly out of respect for my wife. The only confidant a person should need is his or her partner. I would have had to let everything out for the lunch to be truly therapeutic but some is better than none.
Help!
She fell really ill on Thursday (3rd) and spent the whole day in bed - some sort of viral. Better on Friday but down again on Friday evening. Drama, drama, drama - 'man-flu' in a woman.
So on Saturday I do about three hours of ironing from all the stuff that had been piling up for weeks. (the cleaner usually only has time to do a few things each week and then I - not she - have to blitz.) This in addition to taking our son to the shops to buy a toy, give him a shower, get him ready, keep him entertained, run the wash and do the drying and prepare lunch for us all. She was too ill to help in any of this but not too ill to work out some complicated train timings for a friend of hers and do Facebook.
And the point is, I do not mind. I do not need thanks and nor do I need praise. But it is the additional heap of criticisms and accusations of being uncaring which truly make me angry. Like, today, early in the morning, I unload the dishwasher, get our son ready for school and drop him off. And then are snide comments about my having forgotten to give him his water bottle and a snack. Yes, I did forget and I should not have but, really, is it fair to focus only on that?
So I come home from work, immediately get down to feeding our son. Am informed that she is still not well and will not be having any dinner. I get a bite from the fridge, have dinner with our son, read him a story, put him to bed and then go back down to the kitchen to clear up. All this time she is too ill to eat or help but well enough to do Facebook.
I met an old friend of mine for lunch last Friday and shared with her some of my frustrations. This is something I have not done before - mostly because I do not see the point of burdening someone else with my stuff but partly out of respect for my wife. The only confidant a person should need is his or her partner. I would have had to let everything out for the lunch to be truly therapeutic but some is better than none.
Help!
Monday 28 February 2011
Entry 7: A Couple of Examples
Saturday 26th
We HAD to leave at 11 am to be on time for a lunch invitation from a cousin of mine on the other side of London.
Son and I woke up, installed an exercise bike, had breakfast, showered and got ready. All she had to do was (i) make some derogatory comment about what I had chosen for our son to wear and (ii) get ready herself.
My son and I were ready on time but she wasn't: we left at 1130.
Sunday 27th
But, damn, she was ready on time, on the dot at 10:45, for an appointment with her friend whose son was having a birthday party.
All night I squeezed into our son's bed as he was suffering from a fever and I knew that he was likely to run a temperature at night - and it duly came at 4:30 a.m.. Was I told in the morning, 'you were up last night, I'll get him ready and take him to the birthday?' ummmmm ... no!
Monday 28th
A peaceful day putting up pictures around the house - the ones I had had ready since August!
Do I open up? Speak about my irritations? I don't know.
We HAD to leave at 11 am to be on time for a lunch invitation from a cousin of mine on the other side of London.
Son and I woke up, installed an exercise bike, had breakfast, showered and got ready. All she had to do was (i) make some derogatory comment about what I had chosen for our son to wear and (ii) get ready herself.
My son and I were ready on time but she wasn't: we left at 1130.
Sunday 27th
But, damn, she was ready on time, on the dot at 10:45, for an appointment with her friend whose son was having a birthday party.
All night I squeezed into our son's bed as he was suffering from a fever and I knew that he was likely to run a temperature at night - and it duly came at 4:30 a.m.. Was I told in the morning, 'you were up last night, I'll get him ready and take him to the birthday?' ummmmm ... no!
Monday 28th
A peaceful day putting up pictures around the house - the ones I had had ready since August!
Do I open up? Speak about my irritations? I don't know.
Tuesday 22 February 2011
Entry 6: Trying not to care
It was great coming back home last Thursday. She had had the time to cook a roast lunch for her mates but not to pull back the rubbish bins from the street to front yard where the bins live - a distance of five yards. Clearly this is my job.
An uneasy peace now reigns in the house. We talk but not very much, we do not argue and are friendly to our son.
You see that is another reason why I am in this mode of not really caring any more. Because I have held back from criticising her for so many years and just accepted whatever came my way, I find it difficult to be confrontational now. And, increasingly, I found myself losing my temper at my son as a surrogate for my frustrations with her - and that simply is not fair. So, now, by expending no energy on her, I find myself better with my son.
Was watching TV the other day and a comedian called John Bishop came on talking about love and marriage. He mentioned how he had gotten divorced after about 7 or 10 years and put it rather graphically: 'after 7 years, you wake up, you look into each others' eyes and say, "why don't you fuck off and live somewhere else?"'. So, as I suspected at the beginning of this blog, this is not an uncommon story.
I suppose we will get over this episode but it will not be at my expense.
I am taking a couple of days off next week to do some work around the house - maybe we will talk then.
An uneasy peace now reigns in the house. We talk but not very much, we do not argue and are friendly to our son.
You see that is another reason why I am in this mode of not really caring any more. Because I have held back from criticising her for so many years and just accepted whatever came my way, I find it difficult to be confrontational now. And, increasingly, I found myself losing my temper at my son as a surrogate for my frustrations with her - and that simply is not fair. So, now, by expending no energy on her, I find myself better with my son.
Was watching TV the other day and a comedian called John Bishop came on talking about love and marriage. He mentioned how he had gotten divorced after about 7 or 10 years and put it rather graphically: 'after 7 years, you wake up, you look into each others' eyes and say, "why don't you fuck off and live somewhere else?"'. So, as I suspected at the beginning of this blog, this is not an uncommon story.
I suppose we will get over this episode but it will not be at my expense.
I am taking a couple of days off next week to do some work around the house - maybe we will talk then.
Thursday 17 February 2011
Entry 5: Why this Blog?
Did succeed in going out for my cricket practice yesterday evening - though not before feeding our son, putting him to bed and taking out the trash!
So why this blog?
Well, while this is being written as if it were being read, in reality I am writing it for myself. I do not have a real life confidant you see.
To be fair, I do have a number of close friends - male and female - who could be confidants but why should I burden them with my crap? They have busy lives with their own constraints and my stream of consciousness misery will do them no good.
I like to think I am a reasonable genuine bloke - a nice person. Not perhaps someone with zing and pzazz but decent, friendly and solid. I have maintained friendships over many years which I value and I can say with some confidence that my friends like me. Instead of a supportive atmosphere at home I have let myself fall into a pattern where the one who should support me most (and whom I support), makes me feel not-good-enough.
And, in fact, I was a copious diary and letter writer for many years as I was growing up. Once again, I let out my frustrations on a page rather than another person. It was cathartic at the time and I hope it will be useful again.
For years now I have written down frustrations on scrappy bits of paper - and then proceeded to lose them. Here, then, is where I can keep them.
So why this blog?
Well, while this is being written as if it were being read, in reality I am writing it for myself. I do not have a real life confidant you see.
To be fair, I do have a number of close friends - male and female - who could be confidants but why should I burden them with my crap? They have busy lives with their own constraints and my stream of consciousness misery will do them no good.
I like to think I am a reasonable genuine bloke - a nice person. Not perhaps someone with zing and pzazz but decent, friendly and solid. I have maintained friendships over many years which I value and I can say with some confidence that my friends like me. Instead of a supportive atmosphere at home I have let myself fall into a pattern where the one who should support me most (and whom I support), makes me feel not-good-enough.
And, in fact, I was a copious diary and letter writer for many years as I was growing up. Once again, I let out my frustrations on a page rather than another person. It was cathartic at the time and I hope it will be useful again.
For years now I have written down frustrations on scrappy bits of paper - and then proceeded to lose them. Here, then, is where I can keep them.
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