136: Bits and Bobs

During the week we are sleeping in different rooms as, otherwise, I struggle to have a peaceful night because of her snoring - my snoring does not seem to affect her.

Anyway, I was watching some TV and went into our bedroom to wish her goodnight and she said, 'I was looking for a receipt for the extra cereal packet you bought - so I could return it. All your stuff fell out and so everything is in the wrong order in your wallet.'

Bollocks.

Yes, I had bought some extra cereal but I checked the next morning and it had already been returned. She was clearly going through my wallet which was in my trousers that I had left in my room. What was she trying to find? A secret tryst of some sort. Sadly, there is nothing and so nothing was found. I obviously did not address it with her in any antagonistic way or, indeed, in any way. What's the point.

Because, also, you see, I am at a point where I really don't want to play the game of who is 'right' and who is 'wrong'. It really doesn't matter. Though life these last couple of years since the Magic Turnaround has been fine, I just have no feeling and while this blog is very useful to record points, it is for my own benefit rather than to weigh the scales. It is what it is and when it comes to split, and I do hope that that time will come, I will not feel the need to justify my actions.

Update May 2019
Perhaps I had been hasty in my judgement. That extra box of cereal had been lying about in the car rather than returned. Am still not convinced though - she could have easily used her receipt to return the box I had bought?

135: Sex and Marriage

I wrote some time ago - Testosterone - that I had been having trouble with the sexual side of things. 

Looking back, it was August 2015 that we last had penetrative sex and nothing happens down below when I am next to her. Since 2016 I have tried to give her pleasure in other ways but that's stopped since January 2019. In all our years of marriage, I was usually the instigator and post-sex, I was often met with the comment, 'satisfied?' So, bollocks to it. If she instigates I will react but, otherwise, let it be.

Over the counter viagra ads sometimes pop up  on the TV and she looks at me out of the corner of my eye but I really can't be bothered.

July 2020 update: Coming up the 5th anniversary of no-sex on my part. We sleep apart during the week anyway - as her snoring disturbs my sleep and we have come to that arrangement. On the weekends, we sleep in the same bed and, now and again, she will want sex. But, nothing happens with my 'machinery' - so, I provide some pleasure in other ways and that's the extent of our sex life.

And, you know what, I am not interested anyway; the mind and spirit are gone. I have had a testosterone test done again and mine remains marginally low - there appears to be no reason why everything should not work. But it doesn't and that may be down to psychology. Don't really care.

134: Usual Rubbish .... but also Good

Son has been on holiday this week due to half-term holidays.

This Sunday - yesterday - I took our son to football, arranged lunch, cooked in the evening for part of the week, got dinner together, watched some football on TV with our son.

She mainly faffed about all day - admittedly booked up a holiday to Spain (!) and did some clothes washing and drying.

She talked about a trip up to Manchester for a special treat for our son - to visit Manchester United's training ground - but then got down to doing it just as we were settling down to watch a show at 9 pm.

Then - this is Sunday evening, when there has been no school for a week - she starts to iron our son's clothes for the next morning; I had of course offered but been declined.

Really? A whole week and everything has to be on Sunday evening after 10 pm??? Of course, old receipts all over the floor in the study  continues. As I've said repeatedly in the past, it is not the actions, it is the hypocrisy.

She is now coming out with things like, 'I don't like change' when for months and months she agitated for our son to change school precisely FOR a change!

She speaks admiringly of her brother - rightly so - about how he does not take himself seriously despite being very successful. Look in the mirror, please!

On the 'good' side, she and our son seem to be getting on better. All three met up in the centre of town for dinner and came back on the train. On the walk home, he stayed with me a while and then caught up his mum for the rest of the journey - this would not have happened before.

133: Good enough - a philosphy

Every life is, or could be, a series of self-justifications. In previous posts I have written about the good fortune I have had of a good level of earning which has helped me - so far - to provide and support.

But I have also been told by my wife that I should be ashamed of not having had pay rises. One of my motivations to take redundancy some 15 months ago was for the substantial pay-off - which funded 3 new bathrooms, a new kitchen and house decoration.

Where does the feeling of 'good enough' morph into laziness?

An interesting article here.

https://www.theguardian.com/books/2019/jan/12/i-accept-myself-just-as-i-am-the-rise-of-realistic-self-help

Then again, the self-reinvention narrative was always a bit suspect to begin with. For one thing, it’s by no means clear that it’s possible to transform yourself through the simple application of individual willpower: wherever you come down on nature and nurture, it’s undeniable that we owe much of our success or failure in life to our circumstances, and to luck. Then there is the infuriating psychological quirk of “hedonic adaptation”, otherwise known as the happiness treadmill. Succeed in improving your life, and the improvement will soon become part of the backdrop of your days, and thus cease delivering pleasure; to recover that sense of vitality and zest, you’ll have to reinvent yourself again, ad infinitum.

For a while now, that hyperbole has been losing ground to a spirit of anti-utopianism – of accepting yourself as you are, building a good-enough life, or just protecting yourself from the worst of the world outside. 

At the core of Gawdat’s “formula for happiness” is the venerable observation that happiness equals reality minus expectations: in order to feel distress because your life is lacking something, you must first have had some expectation of attaining that thing. (My life lacks a 70ft yacht, but this causes me no suffering, because I never imagined I’d have one.) The argument is not, as progressive critics of self-help sometimes imagine, that disadvantaged people need only stop expecting anything better in order to be content. Some expectations – a reasonable standard of living, healthcare, fulfilling work, social connection – may be entirely rational. But seeing the truth of the formula acts as a kind of sieve, allowing you to separate the handful of things you genuinely want from life from those you’ve been socialised into believing you should want. The latter aren’t worth the pursuit – and if they are the reason you’re trying to invent a “new you”, you’re better off sticking with the old one.

And, of course, there is the danger:

The new crop of anti-perfectionist self-help books are an important counterweight to the conventional message of self-reinvention, which is that there’s no point at which it makes sense to be satisfied with your situation and finally relax, since you could always benefit from acquiring more money, status, education, and so on.

132: Same old, same old

Today is a Monday.

Last week, for three days in a row, I came home to just a complete mess at home – stuff in the sink, clothes all over the place, cooking not done ….

And I don’t really mind – am not exactly hugely organised myself.

But the issue is that she leaves things till late and then is all stressed about working till late – in addition to lecturing others on being conscientious!!

Someone who does not work – as in a profession, to work till 10 pm is a travesty.

Last night, mainly because of her as, left to my own devices I would have gone to my room and bed, I sat down to watch some TV with her. 9 pm. She has to choose that precise time to do ironing and scan documents. Both could have been done earlier or later but this need to create drama and then resolve seems to be a habit.

131: Luxury Items (!!!!)

My wife bought some of these sticks that are dipped in perfume and spread a nice aroma around a house.

'This is our luxury item,' she pronounced!

I thought about: planning for a safari holiday, Cuba last year, multiple holidays, £50k on new bathrooms and kitchen, essentially very few worries on spending .....

This must have flicked across my face - she dragged it back, '... another luxury.'

130: Drone Man and Childishness

So, on my landmark birthday our flights to Spain get cancelled due to airport troubles with drones and we are unable to go. I can only imagine what the reaction might have been if it had been on her birthday! (but let me not guess – perhaps it would have been fine.) Not really bothered about going out but she insists that we go to a pub – she tries one that she really likes, fails and then goes for a second. All good.

Her birthday comes, it’s on a Sunday. ‘Shall we try a week-day lunch at a nice place?’ ‘No – we’ll take our son along.’ ‘Ok.’ ‘Shall I book the pub we couldn’t get on my birthday?’ ‘No – let’s go into the centre of town. Somewhere nice.’

Glad I asked about the pub rather than book it!! Would not have been ‘good enough’.

I read somewhere that after the age of 11 one really should not care about birthdays. But clearly not in this case!

After our tempestuous year in 2015, and shopping episode we take an equal amount from the joint account as the Christmas and birthday bonus. I go for Christmas shopping one day with her. The other day she says, ‘I think I will buy a watch for my birthday – I will take you with me.’

As I write these, they seem very little and, indeed, they are – but it is all about self-importance and making others dance to her tune.

The mood, overall, had been a little ‘off’ lately. I use a travelcard to go back and forth from work and this can be registered onto an online system where all movements can be tracked and, in case of loss, money protected. She had been nagging me for months to get it registered and I had always resisted – for no particular reason. Again, she went on at me until I gave in. 

She went online and did all the work. I stepped out of the room to get something and came back to find that she was trawling through my journeys from previous months – and it suddenly struck me that she possibly took my reluctance to register as a sign that I did not want her to see my journeys. Perhaps she was thinking that I was having this mythical affair and my travel history would give it away.

Mood has substantially improved – no such evidence as no such fact!!