129: Happy New Year .... and funny

Happy New Year in this year of 2019 - who knows what this will bring!!!

We were due to meet a cousin of my wife's who also happened to be a childhood friend of mine. This friend and I had fallen out because of a controversy surrounding my wife in which she had been the innocent party - the accusations made by her cousin/my friend totally unfounded. In 2000 I had defended my wife and would do so again and had lost the childhood friend, her siblings and the family as a consequence.

Anyway, there has been a little rapprochement and we were all due to meet. I deliberately wore an old sweater so I would not be accused of 'making an effort.'

My wife comes into the room and forces me to change the sweater and suggests I go to an analyst with the question, ' why do I have trouble spending money?'

Given that we have just spent some £50000 on updating the house, this seemed a bit rich to me! I did not say anything.

Perhaps because what I wear is not my priority, perhaps I don't like wasting money because I have to earn it, perhaps because my only recreation is not 'spending money'.

128: For the record - football and character

At some point in the future, when I am gone, perhaps my son will read this blog. And while I tell him all the time that he is my hero, my life, my magic and reason for living, I want to record something particular.

Today he was not feeling particularly well but, nevertheless, wanted to play and contribute to his football team. It was cold and rainy but I watched him and he played a manful game - full of effort and character. As did his team mates.

I was so impressed and told him so.

I had a pop out in the evening for a match of my own - currently he and I are without his mother who is away this month. When I came back, he was fast asleep in the TV room.

Pushed him into his own bed at 7:30 and he was out like a light.

But, during the day, he fought and he showed character and gave energy where there really wasn't much in the tank.

Impressive.

127: Daily Vicissitudes

Am having to work from home today and all I can hear is that incessant voice upstairs nagging away at our son to tidy his room.

It needs to be done but the management style is just so haranguing that his attitude is obviously resentful. He and I have cleared up before and it has been far less taxing.

This is holiday week for our son. As she will ‘looking after’ him in the week and he may have friends over or whatever, she will be busier than usual. So, I cooked on Sunday to last us for the following week. 

I come home from work on Wednesday – she has been out and about with our son and another family, eaten out for lunch on Tuesday and Wednesday, and yet the kitchen is a mess, the sink is full of breakfast stuff and then I am asked to do his cooking for the evening and our warming up. 

Today (Friday) I am at home as I had a hospital appointment, I come back and am told to do the lunch. I could say ‘no’ but just this taken-for-granted grates.

And when it comes to tidiness, as ever, clothes are all over the rooms and credit cards receipts – dating from six months ago – are strewn all over the dining table being ‘checked’, and they have been spread across for a week and a half now. What sort of role modelling behaviour is that? Does she not even notice the double standards?

Before leaving for the hospital I received these long instructions on where to park. I needed to buy some shoes and received sarcastic comments on where to buy – which ones were for old people and which ones young. Can she not just look after herself ... that would be a huge step forward.

Please, find someone else and leave us …

126: Ok but constant reminders

No big news to report.

Good summer with two holidays and peaceful at home.

During the week I am sleeping in another room in order to get a good night’s sleep – where there had been objection before from her, there now seems acceptance.

But a few small incidents which provide insight into character:

‘the credit card bill is small this month – just £1700.’ ‘Just?!!’, I exclaim. ‘Well, there are some exceptionals and so in reality about a 1000.’ Still no idea of what money really is!!

I brought our son home from his karate class and immediately she hauled him up on how he had been late in the morning, yada yada yada – and in that loud strident voice of her’s. He just nodded, raised his eyebrows at me and went off. The other day he asked her why she is always complaining? If not careful, that is the memory he will retain of his mother – always complaining.

This from the woman who does not go out to work, I collected him to save her time and cooking was not done until 8 and kitchen was a mess – which meant clearing up (that I was not allowed to do because she does believe that she needs to do this though I offer all the time) till 9:30 pm.

Monday evenings we try and watch a show together – starting at 9. She came up at 9:30, stared at her phone all the way through. How is all of that role modelling good behaviour?

Another day she said that it was my family that was always strident about a private school education. This from the woman who was determined that our son should change school and that, if he didn’t, how would I like it if he were surrounded by South Asians as they flooded the school he remains in.

And the comments continue about why I did not share a house when starting off my working life, why I stayed at home through university, why I have never worn jeans – just this constant drip, drip, drip of patronising advice.

I am just so tired of that strident voice and the hypocritical instructions.

We went to visit some friends last week. They are similar to us in terms of race, the wife was a university friend of mine and the husband and I both struggle. He and I had a good chat some years ago and had another one last week. He is seriously thinking about whether he can cope with her in the long term and they have a feisty relationship overall. But at least she works and he is away half the year for his work – so he ‘owes’ her a lot as she has brought up their son pretty much on her own. But her son is also considerably closer to him as she is also always nagging away.

We came to the conclusion that both our wives simply do not know how to be happy. Continuously, it is a hankering after something else instead of appreciating what we have. There was this article in the newspaper - https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/oct/09/age-envy-be-happy-everyone-else-perfect-social-media - about envy arising from other people’s seemingly perfect lives. My wife certainly browses Facebook a lot but hardly ever posts – that cannot be healthy.

125: Narratives and change

I have left my permanent role after 11 years with the same organisation, taken redundancy and started up as consultant. I was speaking to my mum on the phone.

'Well, you are very brave. But so long as you get the necessary income, I suppose. You won't be MD here anyway.'

The 'here' was to do with being an Asian in an European country - and I don't buy that personally; she doesn't either I am sure.

The interesting point about that comment to me was about not being an MD!! Here is a woman who has been sacrificed on the altar of her husband's career, who has spoken and written at length about having had to give up her dreams for the sake of others - and yet, she cannot get away from the narrative of being an MD.

I have been lucky enough to support my family in the home while providing material benefits - but I have not pushed myself at work. There I have earnt enough (between £85k and £105k since 2007) but have not had to commit the time and effort that could easily have been the case. I believe - and it may be rationalisation of sorts - that I have been given the opportunity to be balanced - notwithstanding the marriage issues that have nevertheless arisen.

If I may be bold - and it is presumptuous right now - I have been fortunate enough to challenge the narrative of 'success' being completely associated with position and have been someone who, I believe, has provided and supported. I do not regard that as a sacrifice in any way - it has been of value to me that I have been a close father and I know that I have been a supportive husband.

But these 'narratives' abound and I have to learn in several arenas - not just the professional and parental. Marriage and having the courage to break rather than stay and be miserable is the next barrier - may God give me strength and the luck.

I have written before about the 'one that got away' and even in 2014 I appear to write about wanting 'an other' with whom to share.

I have moved on now, 4 years later.

If truth be told, in my adult life I suppose I have met 3 women in my life with whom I have felt a sort of spontaneous connection - I did with my wife as well (penultimate paragraph) but that was swiftly thrown back in my face!!

The one who is the subject of 'the one that got away', one I worked with and was accused of having an affair with by my wife and a third whom I have known since the 90s but lives in another country. Each has provided me with confidence and all three are dreamy - far too good for me. With none have I said or done anything untoward.

Now, when I speak about being a 'silver splitter', it is no longer that I somehow dream of being with one of them or, indeed, anyone else. I truly believe I am better off alone. The very thought of having to worry about someone else on a daily basis scares the bollocks off me. Alone - that's me - but hopefully not lonely.

124: Nasty I know but ...

Life is still fine - we seem to be gettng along. But then, we have now spent close to £50,000 on the house now and two holidays in the summer!!

Nasty in tone that last sentence, I know, but I will let myself go this once.

She was doing a voluntary role - reading at a school. Unpaid of course and about 2 hours a week.

As usual, she was lecturing them about this and that and after one - no doubt - hectoring email, the school came back and said that 'from her tone' it was clear that 'she no longer wanted to work' there - it thanked her and wished her well for the future!

Being let go from a voluntary role is quite a feat.

A number of her friends from a decade or more ago were passing through London - we could see on Facebook. She even got in touch with them. They went out for dinner about half an hour from us - again Facebook. She somehow missed out on being invited.

123: My Father 2 ... and Lessons

So, what lessons can be learned.

The good bits:

Objectively, I can say that I am closer to my son than he was with me. I asked my elder brother (by 7 years) whether he had been different with him, when he was younger – more cheerful, closer? I did not get a response.

In absolute terms I am probably seen as a worrier but in relative terms, I worry less I am sure.

I am less judgemental of people.

Have more personal friends.

Probably more content.

The bad bits:

No way near as successful as a professional.

Have not helped people anywhere near as much.

Not as clever or hard working.

And  then …

Comes my parents’ relationship. It can’t always have been bad and sometimes, as a youngster, if I came into their room unexpectedly, I can remember them springing away from a hug.

But the overwhelming memory is of my mother being hugely resentful – of marrying into a big joint family, of not having been able to work. This resentment came out in mocking his family and continuously harping on about what she might have been. And lots of ill temper almost all the time and a huge need for control.

He kept his head down for a peaceful life but am pretty confident that at critical junctures he ruled out options – for example, her not working – and so the hurt was both ways for sure.

I do not want to end up there. I do not want years of misery because it is easier to stay than to split. Following his death, my mother is now enjoying the freedom of a lessening of responsibility. If I live as long as 81, I do not want to wait.

I have a duty to my son and life is peaceful anyway. But if there is a lesson, in my parents’ marriage, and those of others, it is surely that the break is better. Perhaps not for all concerned but certainly for the one wanting to get away. I do not want to create an ideological position and it is not something I think about every moment and every day – but the time will come?