117 - Another Father's Day

Another Father's Day - a year after the one that possibly triggered a complete reversal of her behaviours - https://dear-confidant.blogspot.co.uk/2016/09/100-why-turnaround.html and https://dear-confidant.blogspot.co.uk/2016/09/99-dramatic-turnaround.html

Once more I get a present from my son and he chooses the restaurant he wants to take me to - having picked out a specific item as well. This is in contrast to just about getting him to sign a card for Mother's Day and nothing more - though I had booked a restaurant or offered to take my wife out another day  for just a deux.

Good thing she is not taking the contrast to heart - or, at least, not obviously so.

I know last year he instigated the gift for me - this year his mother may have, I don't know. But at least he wanted to do something for me more than a scribbled card. I thanked him profusely.

Of course, whether I received something or not would have been completely immaterial - not something I would have been worried about.

As he grows into an 11 year old boy, can I keep his trust and love?

116 - Minutae again - worrying but a conclusion re-affirmed

Been a year since the damascene conversion - 99 - A Dramatic Turnaround -  but I still do not believe it and I am certainly not in a place where I have forgotten and am relaxed.

The other day she informed that our son had said something like, ‘look, my lunchbox has not been washed properly!’ To which she had responded that I had done the washing and – with joy – she reported this conversation to me in the evening. Pointing out a failure and taking pleasure in doing so.

This morning, our son’s school uniform is not ready and I have to iron the clothes, when she is obsessive about this being under her control. I, obviously, do not mention this ‘failing’ unlike her continual need to, somehow, deliver some sort of oneupwomanship!

Yesterday evening was a little like the bad old days. I came home to a crying child and an angry mother. Apparently he had gone upstairs straight after coming home and watched the a recording of the NBA Finals. Then had come down for homework which had not been done to his mother’s satisfaction. A huge lecture on how he had watched too much television and would be banned from now on and so on and so on.

I suspect I know exactly what happened. Yes, he had probably watched a little too long but she had probably been doing Facebook or something and had not imposed the discipline. And it had become late, time was 7:00 pm, she was only just starting the cooking and it was all getting stressed.

When I am looking after him, we would come back home, he would have a little rest and we would, together, fix a time when he would start homework – say, 5:30 pm – and I would make sure he would keep to that rather than get distracted myself on Facebook. My cooking would be finished by 7 pm and all clear up and done in the kitchen by 8:30 tops. Last night, she did not finish until almost 10 pm.

And when she lets rip, she lets rip. I held on to him and he said that, ‘I always do my work but mum always scolds me.’ To be fair, I had not seen this recently but if that is his impression then that is not good.

Another day I was very upset with him as he had not even acknowledged or responded to a call to come downstairs for something. I told him I had asked him a number of times, he had not even acknowledged my call and that that was very rude. He had a little cry at that too but I did not shout and we were right as rain in five minutes – I did not drone on and on and on …

 My conclusion? I remain of the opinion that I am better off alone and not with her. I need to target my life, somehow, to be a Silver Splitter; I simply cannot take the risk of being in this marriage for the rest of my life. Her anger has not gone away, the little negatives about people have not gone away – and, with age, they will only grow worse.

115 - Irony

My parents (90+ and 80+) stayed with us for a couple of weeks and all was great. Neither of them is very well. My wife was fine and helpful, we shared the looking after and cooking.

She says to me, 'Your mum is very competitive. She asked me about the size of other people's houses and whether other kids had achieved higher scholarships than our son and what this person wears ....'

This from the woman who asked me whether I was a Head of .. or just a manager, who berated me for not getting a pay rise and said I should be ashamed, whether my boss is older  than me, how are my friends doing, who has been continually critical of what I wear when going for a walk in the park and so on and so on and so on ...

https://dear-confidant.blogspot.co.uk/2015/11/clearly-failure.html

https://dear-confidant.blogspot.co.uk/2016/05/96-champagne-and-handshakes.html

https://dear-confidant.blogspot.co.uk/2015/03/the-last-whinge.html

https://dear-confidant.blogspot.co.uk/2015/09/huge-row-getting-worse.html

Well, at least life is passing peaceably now and is even fun from time to time.

Can all this resentment and anger disappear, like so many clouds? Or is it all being stored up?

The more I look back, the more I am glad I have been keeping this blog/diary. Not to hold on to unhappiness but to show the depths of despair - it would be too easy to forget.

Of course, it also had a therapeutic effect at the time of stress release.

114 - Dear Son - a letter to say 'thanks'

As life has not been miserable lately, I have not been posting so often. But there was a moment a couple of months ago which I have to record.


Your mother and I are sleeping in separate rooms during the week as that way we both get better nights’ sleep. This was at my instigation and your mother did not object. This is the new Mum, of course, the one who is mostly fun and a lot less angry than before.


I was tired one evening and went to bed early. Before you went to sleep, you came into my room, wrapped your arms around me and gave me a comforting hug before heading back to your own bed.

You did not realise that I was still awake and I did not say anything. But that little gesture moved me so much. You are my life, you are everything I could have hoped for and so much more. I will try my best not to let you down.
I started this blog for my own sanity. I needed to write down the stuff that was happening or it would just continue to well up inside me.

One day perhaps you will read it. I do not know what our lives will be at the time. I also do not propose to give any advice. Just know that I am trying my best for you and us and me. If that means, at this more peaceful time, neglecting you a little in favour of your mother – forgive me. It will never be more than ‘a little’ and I am doing it for the greater good.

Strangely, it is you who have taught me what love really is. You still shout ‘baba’ as I walk through the door. You give me, and ask for, hugs galore. You comfort me when I am down – somehow you sense it and give me a pat on the head or a hug. You still give me that open smile sometimes when I wake you up in the morning. You forgive me when I apologise for scolding you. It is a relationship that makes up for so much else and it is one I draw strength from every day.

I love you.

113: Our Son

We are coming up to a year since the last Mother’s Day when she went incandescent  and I struggled to get my son to sign a card for her – let alone anything more. Things are much better now and I will leave to our son what he wants to give his mother – though I will get her a card. Where to eat? I will not guess what is appropriate. I have suggested she and I go somewhere but she wants our son to decide. Wonder how it will all pan out. 

For Father's Day – a couple of months later – of his own volition he created a little book for me and said, specifically, that there were no pictures of his mum in it. That may have been the trigger for a review of what she was doing to herself and to us – and things have been much better since. 

It seems a nightmare what has happened – particularly through 2014, ’15 and the early part of ’16 but actually much longer. We happened to be watching a TV Show the other day called Catastrophe about a rather turbulent marriage. One line was that he was saying to her that ‘she went nuclear’ when he admitted to flirting with one of his colleagues and kicked him out. She had been indiscreet in turn and all ‘a man’ could do was grin and bear it  and get on with it. My wife – probably – has not had an affair or a fling but, overall, that is how I feel and felt for so many years; that I just had to bear it. 

I have not flirted let alone have an affair but I really would not mind if she did something – truly. Anything to create this distance and reduce the dependency. 

Anyway, some good news. The school our son goes to is fee paying and the numbers were going up from the coming September. He, however, has done well enough to have been awarded a 50% scholarship which will be materially helpful. Credit goes to her as well as she has been diligent with homework and exam papers and so on. 

I said to him that a family is a team with shared responsibilities. He contributed simply through being him but he should know that now he was making a material difference to our lives and that we thanked him. She later said that she liked what I had said.

Mother’s Day is stressing me out … let’s see.

112: Toxicity

An article in Psychology Today about Toxicity. Toxicity presents itself in many forms; some of the worst expressions of it come from individuals who appear shiny and nice on the outside.

This can be an illusion—things aren’t always as they appear, and neither are people. The five faces of toxic relationships are common personality traits, but they can be hidden behind a successful and superficially kind person.

Whether it is cutting ties to a friendship, romantic partner, family member, or co-worker, most of us can relate to the feeling of drowning because of a toxic individual. Of course, there are many more than five faces of toxic relationships, but those described below are among the most common. These faces can overlap, and two or more may occur simultaneously. If you are in a relationship with a person who possesses any of these traits, it may be wise to spend time reflecting on how you really feel when you're around that individual.

1. The Critic

Have you ever been in a relationship in which you feel judged and criticized no matter what you do? Criticism is different than advice, and it is important to understand the difference. A critic can bring a lot of toxicity into a relationship. Critics may never call you insulting names, but they may constantly insult your beliefs, appearance, and thoughts, often because they have low self-esteem and want to be in control.

2. The Passive Aggressor

Passive-aggression is the passive expression of anger. Common examples include repeatedly keeping you waiting or making you late for an appointment. We all know people who are passive-aggressive. You never know what message such a person is trying to convey. You may feel that you are always walking on eggshells when you're around a passive-aggressive person. Denial of feelings, sarcasm, and backhanded compliments are sure ways to tell that someone is passive-aggressive. If a person cannot communicate in a straightforward manner, uses sarcasm as a defense mechanism, sends mixed messages, or acts like nothing is wrong—regardless of exhibiting angry emotions—you might be dealing with a passive aggressor.

3. The Narcissist

The narcissist acts like he or she is God’s gift to the universe, knows everything, is the best at everything—and is not afraid to tell you so. (Add to this the need to judge all others against standards she would be hard pressed to meet herself.)

Narcissists have very thin skin that is easily pricked and easy to get under, which releases rage and hate because their self-esteem is marginal. Narcissists are willing to destroy everything and everyone around them when they feel hurt or rejected.

4. The Stonewaller

Stonewalling refers to the act of refusing communication to evade the issue. (This goes both ways – I prefer to knuckle down rather than confront.)

5. The Antisocial Personality

Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD), as defined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), includes the traits of sociopathy (thought to result from social conditions such as childhood abuse, and characterized by explosive and sometimes violent behavior, but still presumed to possess the capacity for empathy and remorse) and psychopathy (feeling no remorse or empathy, taking advantage of others legally, and often involved in fraud or other white-collar crimes with varying motivations including greed and revenge).

(Explosive and angry / violent behaviour for sure – but rest may be over the top. But 4 out of 5 in the past over a long period of time ain’t bad!)

111 - A Peaceful World

The peaceful world continues.

Our son is doing well and appears content. His relationship with his mother is much more playful now and she is far less attacking – no more five days in a row coming back to a crying child. 

Recently, my mother broke her hip while visiting home. As my wife also had issues to clear up for her family, she has gone back to the Mother Country to help out for a week or so. She has done a fantastic job cheering everyone up and being practical and useful. This is the person everyone loves and mostly what people see; it is only that our son and I had gotten used to a different person at home.

I am doing my bit by taking care to spend time with her in the evenings, participating in buying presents, going out to posh restaurants on special days such as birthdays and Valentines. We are affectionate and it is genuine, at least from my side.

But, and we have not had this conversation face to face, I still cannot trust or forget everything that was said. I continue to believe that all that anger and seething resentment is still there and ready to explode at some point. All it needs is my mentioning a name, saying something critical, her reading an e-mail. I may be wrong.

And, you know, it is not about blame. I am way past that. I have done wrong, she has done wrong and we have also done both things right – neither of us owes anything to the other; my issue has always been about continually her wanting more and my closing down as a result. 

Finally, it is about compatibility, a view of life and control. She and I are just very different. Somehow, she needs to ‘grow’ so that we are able to drift apart rather than be bound. I look at my parents and other couples and know that I would be better off alone. I have no one else, I have not succumbed to what someone termed the ‘myth of the perfect other.’ I may just be a person better off alone.