115 - Irony

My parents (90+ and 80+) stayed with us for a couple of weeks and all was great. Neither of them is very well. My wife was fine and helpful, we shared the looking after and cooking.

She says to me, 'Your mum is very competitive. She asked me about the size of other people's houses and whether other kids had achieved higher scholarships than our son and what this person wears ....'

This from the woman who asked me whether I was a Head of .. or just a manager, who berated me for not getting a pay rise and said I should be ashamed, whether my boss is older  than me, how are my friends doing, who has been continually critical of what I wear when going for a walk in the park and so on and so on and so on ...

https://dear-confidant.blogspot.co.uk/2015/11/clearly-failure.html

https://dear-confidant.blogspot.co.uk/2016/05/96-champagne-and-handshakes.html

https://dear-confidant.blogspot.co.uk/2015/03/the-last-whinge.html

https://dear-confidant.blogspot.co.uk/2015/09/huge-row-getting-worse.html

Well, at least life is passing peaceably now and is even fun from time to time.

Can all this resentment and anger disappear, like so many clouds? Or is it all being stored up?

The more I look back, the more I am glad I have been keeping this blog/diary. Not to hold on to unhappiness but to show the depths of despair - it would be too easy to forget.

Of course, it also had a therapeutic effect at the time of stress release.

114 - Dear Son - a letter to say 'thanks'

As life has not been miserable lately, I have not been posting so often. But there was a moment a couple of months ago which I have to record.


Your mother and I are sleeping in separate rooms during the week as that way we both get better nights’ sleep. This was at my instigation and your mother did not object. This is the new Mum, of course, the one who is mostly fun and a lot less angry than before.


I was tired one evening and went to bed early. Before you went to sleep, you came into my room, wrapped your arms around me and gave me a comforting hug before heading back to your own bed.

You did not realise that I was still awake and I did not say anything. But that little gesture moved me so much. You are my life, you are everything I could have hoped for and so much more. I will try my best not to let you down.
I started this blog for my own sanity. I needed to write down the stuff that was happening or it would just continue to well up inside me.

One day perhaps you will read it. I do not know what our lives will be at the time. I also do not propose to give any advice. Just know that I am trying my best for you and us and me. If that means, at this more peaceful time, neglecting you a little in favour of your mother – forgive me. It will never be more than ‘a little’ and I am doing it for the greater good.

Strangely, it is you who have taught me what love really is. You still shout ‘baba’ as I walk through the door. You give me, and ask for, hugs galore. You comfort me when I am down – somehow you sense it and give me a pat on the head or a hug. You still give me that open smile sometimes when I wake you up in the morning. You forgive me when I apologise for scolding you. It is a relationship that makes up for so much else and it is one I draw strength from every day.

I love you.

113: Our Son

We are coming up to a year since the last Mother’s Day when she went incandescent  and I struggled to get my son to sign a card for her – let alone anything more. Things are much better now and I will leave to our son what he wants to give his mother – though I will get her a card. Where to eat? I will not guess what is appropriate. I have suggested she and I go somewhere but she wants our son to decide. Wonder how it will all pan out. 

For Father's Day – a couple of months later – of his own volition he created a little book for me and said, specifically, that there were no pictures of his mum in it. That may have been the trigger for a review of what she was doing to herself and to us – and things have been much better since. 

It seems a nightmare what has happened – particularly through 2014, ’15 and the early part of ’16 but actually much longer. We happened to be watching a TV Show the other day called Catastrophe about a rather turbulent marriage. One line was that he was saying to her that ‘she went nuclear’ when he admitted to flirting with one of his colleagues and kicked him out. She had been indiscreet in turn and all ‘a man’ could do was grin and bear it  and get on with it. My wife – probably – has not had an affair or a fling but, overall, that is how I feel and felt for so many years; that I just had to bear it. 

I have not flirted let alone have an affair but I really would not mind if she did something – truly. Anything to create this distance and reduce the dependency. 

Anyway, some good news. The school our son goes to is fee paying and the numbers were going up from the coming September. He, however, has done well enough to have been awarded a 50% scholarship which will be materially helpful. Credit goes to her as well as she has been diligent with homework and exam papers and so on. 

I said to him that a family is a team with shared responsibilities. He contributed simply through being him but he should know that now he was making a material difference to our lives and that we thanked him. She later said that she liked what I had said.

Mother’s Day is stressing me out … let’s see.

112: Toxicity

An article in Psychology Today about Toxicity. Toxicity presents itself in many forms; some of the worst expressions of it come from individuals who appear shiny and nice on the outside.

This can be an illusion—things aren’t always as they appear, and neither are people. The five faces of toxic relationships are common personality traits, but they can be hidden behind a successful and superficially kind person.

Whether it is cutting ties to a friendship, romantic partner, family member, or co-worker, most of us can relate to the feeling of drowning because of a toxic individual. Of course, there are many more than five faces of toxic relationships, but those described below are among the most common. These faces can overlap, and two or more may occur simultaneously. If you are in a relationship with a person who possesses any of these traits, it may be wise to spend time reflecting on how you really feel when you're around that individual.

1. The Critic

Have you ever been in a relationship in which you feel judged and criticized no matter what you do? Criticism is different than advice, and it is important to understand the difference. A critic can bring a lot of toxicity into a relationship. Critics may never call you insulting names, but they may constantly insult your beliefs, appearance, and thoughts, often because they have low self-esteem and want to be in control.

2. The Passive Aggressor

Passive-aggression is the passive expression of anger. Common examples include repeatedly keeping you waiting or making you late for an appointment. We all know people who are passive-aggressive. You never know what message such a person is trying to convey. You may feel that you are always walking on eggshells when you're around a passive-aggressive person. Denial of feelings, sarcasm, and backhanded compliments are sure ways to tell that someone is passive-aggressive. If a person cannot communicate in a straightforward manner, uses sarcasm as a defense mechanism, sends mixed messages, or acts like nothing is wrong—regardless of exhibiting angry emotions—you might be dealing with a passive aggressor.

3. The Narcissist

The narcissist acts like he or she is God’s gift to the universe, knows everything, is the best at everything—and is not afraid to tell you so. (Add to this the need to judge all others against standards she would be hard pressed to meet herself.)

Narcissists have very thin skin that is easily pricked and easy to get under, which releases rage and hate because their self-esteem is marginal. Narcissists are willing to destroy everything and everyone around them when they feel hurt or rejected.

4. The Stonewaller

Stonewalling refers to the act of refusing communication to evade the issue. (This goes both ways – I prefer to knuckle down rather than confront.)

5. The Antisocial Personality

Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD), as defined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), includes the traits of sociopathy (thought to result from social conditions such as childhood abuse, and characterized by explosive and sometimes violent behavior, but still presumed to possess the capacity for empathy and remorse) and psychopathy (feeling no remorse or empathy, taking advantage of others legally, and often involved in fraud or other white-collar crimes with varying motivations including greed and revenge).

(Explosive and angry / violent behaviour for sure – but rest may be over the top. But 4 out of 5 in the past over a long period of time ain’t bad!)

111 - A Peaceful World

The peaceful world continues.

Our son is doing well and appears content. His relationship with his mother is much more playful now and she is far less attacking – no more five days in a row coming back to a crying child. 

Recently, my mother broke her hip while visiting home. As my wife also had issues to clear up for her family, she has gone back to the Mother Country to help out for a week or so. She has done a fantastic job cheering everyone up and being practical and useful. This is the person everyone loves and mostly what people see; it is only that our son and I had gotten used to a different person at home.

I am doing my bit by taking care to spend time with her in the evenings, participating in buying presents, going out to posh restaurants on special days such as birthdays and Valentines. We are affectionate and it is genuine, at least from my side.

But, and we have not had this conversation face to face, I still cannot trust or forget everything that was said. I continue to believe that all that anger and seething resentment is still there and ready to explode at some point. All it needs is my mentioning a name, saying something critical, her reading an e-mail. I may be wrong.

And, you know, it is not about blame. I am way past that. I have done wrong, she has done wrong and we have also done both things right – neither of us owes anything to the other; my issue has always been about continually her wanting more and my closing down as a result. 

Finally, it is about compatibility, a view of life and control. She and I are just very different. Somehow, she needs to ‘grow’ so that we are able to drift apart rather than be bound. I look at my parents and other couples and know that I would be better off alone. I have no one else, I have not succumbed to what someone termed the ‘myth of the perfect other.’ I may just be a person better off alone.

110: Mid-Life - another common story

(The Guardian) - Mid-Life Opportunities

Very interesting article – though nothing heavy; a guy talking to an analyst. Many common threads.


I know I certainly found it helpful to speak to a counsellor. This blog started off defined as a cliché and it is clear that while, ‘we may see ourself as one thing, unique and specific; the world sees us as another – as a social demographic or a cluster of symptoms.’ There are no new problems – comforting in some fashion. Entry 1: A Walking Cliché  

Feels so true to read that, ‘the Office for National Statistics reports that 40- to 59-year-olds are the most anxious age group. Marshall believes this anxiety is sparked by a sudden awareness of mortality and a fear of failure; the nagging, nightmarish sense that we will never fulfil our true potential.’ Entry 12: A Time for Review  

‘Marshall has seen many casualties in his time – people who, when faced with the challenges of middle age, promptly crash and burn. “A lot of people flunk the test,” he says. “They anaesthetise themselves – with drink, generally. Or with computer games, or pornography. Or with work. And if you don’t answer the questions, you become bitter, closed off and cynical.”’  

It could have been my Counsellor speaking when the journalist’s adviser states, “I’m getting a very strong message that you’re not allowed to be vulnerable. That you need to be loved, yet, when things get difficult, you withdraw from everybody. It’s a strange dichotomy.

‘Because on the one hand you’re an open book in a rather controlled way, in that you’re a journalist and therefore in charge of the words. But the rest of you is completely closed.”’

‘The way Marshall tells it, there are three obvious routes through the midlife passage.

 Fail the challenge, and you suffer what he describes as an L-shaped life, where you plummet to Earth and then essentially flatline until death.

 Pass the test, and you win the U-shaped life: a glorious upswing, a brilliant late bloom.

 Then there is the third option, the joker in the pack, the switchback ride of the W-shaped life. This occurs when you reach for the quick-fix solution (the thrilling affair, the scarlet Lamborghini), or what Marshall calls “the myth of the great other”. The effect can be instant, galvanic. But it’s an artificial high, a dead cat bounce that leads only to more heartache.’

 The journalist writes about a fictional character, rather sad, who ‘asks nothing of anyone and gives nothing in return.’

And what could come next? The therapist replies, ‘Well, wonderful times. If you’ve done the work of the middle passage, then you’re in a very good place, the sunny uplands of life. The next question is not what gives your life meaning, but what gives meaning to everyone’s life. It’s a more spiritual inquiry: the self versus the infinite.”

So, who is the ‘sunny uplands’ about? Is it about coming to peace?  Is it about the end of ‘chasing’ and being content? Or is it about having not chased, going for glory? Is it about connection with others? Or is it about knowing oneself?

I have been very lucky. I have been fortunate in having a very decent level of living without being dominated by work. 

Just let it happen, eh? Surely I have done ‘the work of the middle passage..’

109 - 7 Rules to Avoid Divorce (Alain de Botton) - interesting

7 Rules to Avoid Divorce - Alain de Botton

1 We accept perfection is unrealistic

We should accept from the outset that anyone we could be with will be very far from perfect. One must conclusively kill the idea that things would be ideal with any other creature in this galaxy. There can only ever be a “good enough” relationship. (seems clear - but surely there are couples who bring out the best in each other - and be better for being with the other than if they were not?)

2 We learn to blame love, not our lover

When difficulties strike in relationships, we often fall prey to the idea that we are going out with a particularly cretinous human. The sadness must be someone’s fault: and, naturally enough, we conclude that the blame has to lie with the partner. We avoid the far truer, darker, yet gentler conclusion: that we are trying to do something very difficult at which almost no one succeeds completely. (fair enough)

3 We realise that love makes irrational demands of our partners

The romantic ideal states that we will be nicer to our partner than to anyone else in the world. We will be a lot nicer with them than, for example, with any of our friends. We like the latter; we love the former. But the reality is intriguingly and soberingly different. We tend to become, if things go to plan, something akin to monsters in love. We’re likely to be significantly less kind to our partner than towards almost any other human on the planet. Asking someone to be with us turns out to be an impossibly demanding and therefore pretty mean thing to suggest to anyone we would really want the best for. Love also lends us the safety to show a partner who we really are – a privilege we would, in truth, be wiser and kinder never fully to share with anyone. (oh yes!!!)

4 We are ready to love rather than be loved

We start out knowing only about being loved. It comes to seem – very wrongly – like the norm. We should renounce the desire to be loved and instead strive to love. (a bit tough sometimes to love and to be purely transactional seems weak?)

5 We accept that relationships require administration

The romantic person instinctively sees relationships in terms of emotions. But what a couple get up to together over a lifetime has much more in common with the workings of a small business. They must draw up work rosters, clean, cook, fix, throw away, mind, hire, fire, reconcile and budget.
None of these activities have any glamour whatsoever within the current arrangement of society. And yet these tasks are what is truly “romantic” in the sense of “conducive and sustaining of love” and should be interpreted as the bedrock of a successful relationship. (The little things - I agree. But what if that is not good enough for the other?)

6 We understand that sex and love do, and don’t, belong together

We are ready to get into a long-term relationship when we accept a large degree of sexual resignation and the task of sublimation.

7 We realise we’re not that compatible

The right person is expected to be someone who shares our tastes, interests and general attitudes to life. This might be true in the short term. But, over an extended period of time, the relevance of this fades dramatically; differences inevitably emerge. The person who is truly best suited to us is not the person who shares our tastes, but the person who can negotiate differences in taste intelligently and wisely. It is the capacity to tolerate difference that is the true marker of the right person. Compatibility is an achievement of love; it shouldn’t be its precondition. (not control and obeisance)


All seems pragmatic and, no doubt, true - and a good recipe for the overwhelming majority of people. But, if truth be told, a little depressing