110: Mid-Life - another common story

(The Guardian) - Mid-Life Opportunities

Very interesting article – though nothing heavy; a guy talking to an analyst. Many common threads.


I know I certainly found it helpful to speak to a counsellor. This blog started off defined as a cliché and it is clear that while, ‘we may see ourself as one thing, unique and specific; the world sees us as another – as a social demographic or a cluster of symptoms.’ There are no new problems – comforting in some fashion. Entry 1: A Walking Cliché  

Feels so true to read that, ‘the Office for National Statistics reports that 40- to 59-year-olds are the most anxious age group. Marshall believes this anxiety is sparked by a sudden awareness of mortality and a fear of failure; the nagging, nightmarish sense that we will never fulfil our true potential.’ Entry 12: A Time for Review  

‘Marshall has seen many casualties in his time – people who, when faced with the challenges of middle age, promptly crash and burn. “A lot of people flunk the test,” he says. “They anaesthetise themselves – with drink, generally. Or with computer games, or pornography. Or with work. And if you don’t answer the questions, you become bitter, closed off and cynical.”’  

It could have been my Counsellor speaking when the journalist’s adviser states, “I’m getting a very strong message that you’re not allowed to be vulnerable. That you need to be loved, yet, when things get difficult, you withdraw from everybody. It’s a strange dichotomy.

‘Because on the one hand you’re an open book in a rather controlled way, in that you’re a journalist and therefore in charge of the words. But the rest of you is completely closed.”’

‘The way Marshall tells it, there are three obvious routes through the midlife passage.

 Fail the challenge, and you suffer what he describes as an L-shaped life, where you plummet to Earth and then essentially flatline until death.

 Pass the test, and you win the U-shaped life: a glorious upswing, a brilliant late bloom.

 Then there is the third option, the joker in the pack, the switchback ride of the W-shaped life. This occurs when you reach for the quick-fix solution (the thrilling affair, the scarlet Lamborghini), or what Marshall calls “the myth of the great other”. The effect can be instant, galvanic. But it’s an artificial high, a dead cat bounce that leads only to more heartache.’

 The journalist writes about a fictional character, rather sad, who ‘asks nothing of anyone and gives nothing in return.’

And what could come next? The therapist replies, ‘Well, wonderful times. If you’ve done the work of the middle passage, then you’re in a very good place, the sunny uplands of life. The next question is not what gives your life meaning, but what gives meaning to everyone’s life. It’s a more spiritual inquiry: the self versus the infinite.”

So, who is the ‘sunny uplands’ about? Is it about coming to peace?  Is it about the end of ‘chasing’ and being content? Or is it about having not chased, going for glory? Is it about connection with others? Or is it about knowing oneself?

I have been very lucky. I have been fortunate in having a very decent level of living without being dominated by work. 

Just let it happen, eh? Surely I have done ‘the work of the middle passage..’

109 - 7 Rules to Avoid Divorce (Alain de Botton) - interesting

7 Rules to Avoid Divorce - Alain de Botton

1 We accept perfection is unrealistic

We should accept from the outset that anyone we could be with will be very far from perfect. One must conclusively kill the idea that things would be ideal with any other creature in this galaxy. There can only ever be a “good enough” relationship. (seems clear - but surely there are couples who bring out the best in each other - and be better for being with the other than if they were not?)

2 We learn to blame love, not our lover

When difficulties strike in relationships, we often fall prey to the idea that we are going out with a particularly cretinous human. The sadness must be someone’s fault: and, naturally enough, we conclude that the blame has to lie with the partner. We avoid the far truer, darker, yet gentler conclusion: that we are trying to do something very difficult at which almost no one succeeds completely. (fair enough)

3 We realise that love makes irrational demands of our partners

The romantic ideal states that we will be nicer to our partner than to anyone else in the world. We will be a lot nicer with them than, for example, with any of our friends. We like the latter; we love the former. But the reality is intriguingly and soberingly different. We tend to become, if things go to plan, something akin to monsters in love. We’re likely to be significantly less kind to our partner than towards almost any other human on the planet. Asking someone to be with us turns out to be an impossibly demanding and therefore pretty mean thing to suggest to anyone we would really want the best for. Love also lends us the safety to show a partner who we really are – a privilege we would, in truth, be wiser and kinder never fully to share with anyone. (oh yes!!!)

4 We are ready to love rather than be loved

We start out knowing only about being loved. It comes to seem – very wrongly – like the norm. We should renounce the desire to be loved and instead strive to love. (a bit tough sometimes to love and to be purely transactional seems weak?)

5 We accept that relationships require administration

The romantic person instinctively sees relationships in terms of emotions. But what a couple get up to together over a lifetime has much more in common with the workings of a small business. They must draw up work rosters, clean, cook, fix, throw away, mind, hire, fire, reconcile and budget.
None of these activities have any glamour whatsoever within the current arrangement of society. And yet these tasks are what is truly “romantic” in the sense of “conducive and sustaining of love” and should be interpreted as the bedrock of a successful relationship. (The little things - I agree. But what if that is not good enough for the other?)

6 We understand that sex and love do, and don’t, belong together

We are ready to get into a long-term relationship when we accept a large degree of sexual resignation and the task of sublimation.

7 We realise we’re not that compatible

The right person is expected to be someone who shares our tastes, interests and general attitudes to life. This might be true in the short term. But, over an extended period of time, the relevance of this fades dramatically; differences inevitably emerge. The person who is truly best suited to us is not the person who shares our tastes, but the person who can negotiate differences in taste intelligently and wisely. It is the capacity to tolerate difference that is the true marker of the right person. Compatibility is an achievement of love; it shouldn’t be its precondition. (not control and obeisance)


All seems pragmatic and, no doubt, true - and a good recipe for the overwhelming majority of people. But, if truth be told, a little depressing

108: Good Christmas and New Year but ...

We have had a very pleasant holiday and it has been sweetness and light all around. Our son has some very important exams coming up in the next few days but there has been little tension and he has been able to enjoy the holidays as well as doing some work. Overall, very good.

But three little sentences really continue to give the game away in my opinion.


She has her  birthday coming up in the first week of January. I have booked a very expensive restaurant.


Last year, in the middle of the traumatic period, where there was no question of buying anything for each other, I suggested £600 each for Christmas and birthday presents which we could spend as we pleased for ourselves and on ourselves.

So, this year she buys me a fleece and a shirt that I don’t really want.

She is also looking to buy sports clothing and looking and comparing tops. ‘Which one shall I buy?’ ‘Buy both,’ I say ‘and take it as a birthday present.’


‘No! I am not letting you get away with that level of effort in buying me a birthday present!’


So, we have just traipsed around London buying her a present, just as we did with her Christmas present a couple of weeks ago. I am happy to do this – not everyone is ok with going out and getting something themselves. But this expression of ‘letting you get away’ got my goat – though I did not react in any way. Again, it is about obeisance and control.

 The other sentence came when we were having a heavy discussion on identity, being an immigrant, the difference between being different because of class and / or nationality with my brother and sister-in-law. Talking about friendships and such and she says, ‘And I rely on real people – I do not spend hours on Facebook.’ Even if unintended, this came across as a direct dig at my sister-in-law as she is a very active Facebook user and corresponds in that way with a wide network of friends. The irony is that my wife also spends hours on Facebook – contributing hardly at all but viewing other people’s profiles all the time. This casual insulting of others is a trait.

 My sister-in-law again – whom she had called for a reason I forget. ‘G. sounded really tired. Clearly does not organise herself. I know she works but it is ordered work which can be planned.’ This is ironic given that my wife does not ‘work’ but washing and cooking (we have a cleaner) is often late and work continues till 10 pm when it has no need to. This incident happened to be with my sister-in-law but could have been with anyone – judging of others without looking in the mirror.

I sometimes feel as if I am being harsh in not feeling softness and warmth and continuing to feel cold but these little reminders show me how different I believe we really are.

107 - Looking Back - a year that was

Well, that was a year.

On December 20 last year – my birthday – in  a fit of anger and (uninformed) jealousy, she burst out and asked for a divorce. Am Broken

I said that that this was unaffordable. But I moved out of our shared room, did my own washing and cooking. This remained the case till the middle of June.

I went and undertook some Counselling which was helpful without being revelatory.

But my story and emotions are, of course, very common.

Then, in the summer, came a dramatic turnaround.

And we are pretty much in that same situation now. There are some glimpses of the old person but, overall, the relationships between her and me and her and our son are tidy and much improved. Drama is less, humour is more.

Am I convinced that a person can change just-like-that? No.

Have we had The Conversation as to where we go from here? No.

I had lunch the other day with a friend of mine – she had been the first person I had shared my troubles - way back in 2011.

I described what had happened over the last year and that things were better. ‘But you don’t sound as if you love her or like her.’

The point possibly is that I do not and I see no point to having that conversation – or, rather, initiating that conversation. This is ‘work’ now and I will try and do what is necessary for the sake of our son.

I can’t remember which day it was but it was recently and I was hugging our son – and I just felt an overwhelming love and attachment. I have written before about how I draw strength from him and that was how I felt. (October 2019 note - 'the rhythm of nature')

I also remember a Valentine’s Letter (July 2019 Note - old letters) I wrote to my wife right at the beginning of our marriage and another letter – in about the same time period – that I wrote while travelling for work. I spoke about what she had given me, the love that I felt. I threw myself into the relationship but soon came the demands, the anger, the never-good-enough and I just put my head down and worked; am still doing so but on more equal terms.

My cousin, my friends believe I should not give up on the hope that this closeness and mutual support and overwhelming love can happen with a partner as well as a child. I have no doubt it can and I have seen it amongst those whom I love. But I am content to survive and should I achieve freedom at some point, friendship and companionship I will be able to handle but mutual dependence is something I will be petrified of for fear of failing and hurting myself and another.

106 - Glimpses

There are occasional glimpses of the old personality – as a I wrote in Regression and Return

Last year, I put aside identical amounts as Christmas and birthday presents for her and me. £600.

This year, I suggested that we go together for her Christmas present and the balance of £600 we would simply transfer into her account. So, we had a pleasant morning and lunch, she chose something and decided that she would order it online and have it delivered. About a week later and only a couple of days before Christmas, she says, ‘I haven’t ordered that leather jacket yet. I was expecting you to remind me.’ I did not react.

If am looking at something on my phone, she finds an excuse to come around and glance over my shoulder. In the dog days between Christmas and New Year when there’s hardly anyone in, she finds an excuse to ring me in the office when she never does otherwise – presumably checking whether I really am at work. She has not ‘caught me’ at anything because there is nothing to catch.

During our winter holiday to Spain there were attempts at control on what I might wear and in front of our son – what she was saying was perfectly sensible but I could not give in in front of the kid and she gave in without losing it.

Lately, she has been very helpful to my cousin who recently had a baby. So, by way of thank you, I bought her a box of posh chocolates. ‘Oh, why have you done that? The box says, ‘with thanks’. Thanks for what?’ A weird reaction. ‘Thank you for helping my cousin.’ And left it at that.

 Has she really changed? Can someone change so dramatically? I still exchange e-mails and texts – social and professional - with the friends that she might suggest I have a soft spot for but I am careful to delete them. Will it just take one of those – harmless though it will be – to take her back to her old place? Is she just bottling everything up?


But there are also improvements. The other evening I had gone to bed before her and our son. He snuggled up to me as he was about to go to bed and, when asked by her, said that he wanted to stay with me. She gave us both a kiss and went to sleep in his bed. In a previous incarnation I would have expected great anger and an insistence on him going back to his bed.

105 - Regression and Return

Well, that was a strange week.

It did not begin well. There was certainly something wrong but I could not figure out what?

On the Sunday we had gone to visit my new nephew. My cousin – the mother – liked a handbag that my wife had bought (on a discount) and asked my wife to get it for her and that she would pay her back.

While walking back to the car, my wife asked me whether we should give my cousin the handbag as a gift? My response was that she (my wife) had suggested a certain amount of money for gifts for the child and so, that would be fine as we were still within budget.

A week later, I now realise that that was probably the wrong answer. Because there was immediately a coldness and something wrong with the mood. A day later  she mentioned that she could not find the bag any more but that my cousin’s husband would buy it for her at full price. But then, perhaps he would buy her something more extravagant like a diamond ring as another husband was known to have done for his wife on the birth of their baby.

This was a direct reference to the – probable – fact that I had not bought anything specific for my wife when she gave birth. Rightly or wrongly, occasion related presents have not been ‘me’ but there have been lots of presents and holidays and spending over the years. What I should have said was, ‘No, she can pay you back; our budget is for the baby.’

(we happened to be watching a baby DVD the other evening and  in it I say, ‘Oh, look, mum’s first cooking for four and a half weeks.’ So, I guess, I would have been doing all the cooking and everything for a month as we had no parents nearby. And then many weeks more and night feeds and much, much more. Not a compensation for a diamond ring but something?)

With Christmas coming up, on the Tuesday I was walking past a shop and saw a cheap  Pokemon rucksack which I know our son will enjoy. I texted a picture to her. Immediately she called back.

‘No, you will not buy that. It is totally chav (trash). He will NOT be taking that anywhere. You might as well buy something from SportsDirect as a gift. How could you? If you want to buy a rucksack then it should be Superdry or another good brand. It is rubbish.’

I did not react. I simply said, ‘Ok. I will return it.’ It was The Voice and Attitude that I had become accustomed to.

A few hours later, presumably having calmed down, she texted to say that I should not return it to the shop.

Over the week, the behaviour improved.

My cousin requested her help in bathing the baby – something they were struggling with as new parents – and my wife, in addition, offered to cook food and take it over. As this was a ‘special project’ and she loves special projects that will show her in a good light, she did a significant amount of work in cooking and travelling over and helping. I offered to do everything but this was declined.

I have thanked her and will buy her some chocolates tomorrow. I have also booked a very expensive restaurant for her birthday in early January and have offered to go Christmas shopping with her tomorrow.

104 - A Common Story again - link to newspaper article

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/nov/26/how-to-tell-heading-divorce-sex-appreciate-partner-criticism-relationship

A really interesting article on 7 ways to tell if you’re heading for divorce – was in the newspaper very prominently and I wonder if she read it.

Not having enough sex. Unless there’s an underlying psychosexual or medical reason, a lack of sex is usually a symptom of a deeper relationship problem rather than the issue itself. (ok, so we haven’t since August 2015 and nothing happens the few times we have tried since the summer. She has never been keen anyway – generally after sex the remark has been, ‘satisfied now? Can I go back to sleep?’ I have to say I am not particularly bothered – if the mental / emotional connection is not there – and, for me, it is still not - then the rest is just going through the motions.)

Spending time together. Date nights are not necessary unless you want them to be. But not having them does not mean your relationship is doomed. However, if we replace “date nights” with “spending time together”, that is important. It can be going for a walk, watching a film or cooking together. (Over the last few months this has improved – perhaps better than before. I am getting home earlier, I am being ‘allowed’ to cook again, we spend time in the kitchen, have gone out to films and meals – a level of friendliness which is good. Less temper displayed and less lecturing and criticism. Her relationship with our son also seems to have improved.)

Appreciation and gratitude. These are really important and if they go (or were never there in the first place) this can start to lead to one of the four bigger warning signs below. It’s not about the grand gesture, but small, everyday signs of appreciation. Saying, “I really appreciate how hard you are working for the family,” or even just doing things like making someone a cup of tea. (This is just the hubbub of everyday life though I am not sure we have ever said, ‘I really appreciate …’ – I make her coffee in the morning before going to work for example and, recently, she has been making me orange juice.)

However, in couples therapy there are the Gottman Institute’s “four horsemen of the apocalypse” signs, which are good to know about and look for. These are warning signs that we would look for in therapy that may signal a relationship where the problems go a little deeper and is in trouble, unless the couple are prepared to recognise and work on these areas.

Criticism. If you or your partner criticise each other habitually, you are attacking their personality. Over time, this will breed resentment. If one person is constantly criticising the other partner this can become a huge problem. (As this blog make clear, this has been a HUGE issue – both for me and our son. It is much improved but I wonder if everything is just being held in. But, in the past, the carping has been continuous and vicious.)

Contempt. This is the hardest to work with but not impossible as long as it’s named, recognised and both of you are prepared to work on it. But if one consistently looks down on their partner, is dismissive, constantly rolling their eyes at what the other says, mocks them, is sarcastic (and not in jest) or sneers at their partner, then they are seeing them as “less than”. Contempt can closely follow behind loss of respect. (‘don’t kid yourself that you could have got a job elsewhere’, ‘are you a Head of .. or just a Manager’, ‘should have told me you are impotent’, ‘hope your friend dies’, continuous diminishing of almost everything that I did while at the same time wanting great appreciation of everything that she did.)

Defensiveness. If you can’t talk to one another because one or both of you are defensive, this can be a problem. Communication is key to working on any relationship problem – without that you can’t get anywhere. Defensiveness can lead to “blame tennis” where each person is just lashing out in defence: “You did this.” “Yes, but you did this.” (we never really played blame tennis as I never attacked and rarely defended myself – I tried to be accommodating enough to try and find a way out.’)

Stonewalling. This is when one person retreats, won’t talk, and will block the other person. It usually happens if the person stonewalling doesn’t want to hear what’s being said, either because they are afraid of it or can’t deal with it, or both. This can result in the person being stonewalled desperately trying to talk to the other; they may even try to trigger a row to get the stonewaller to react and talk. (did I stonewall over a period of time because I did not react to what I considered to be significant provocations? Possibly. From my side, I was afraid of reactions and if I did face silence, that was good – it meant there was some peace!!)

Comments from readers below-the-line were really very interesting and shows how common my story is:

Well those four horsemen have been a constant in my marriage for over half a century. They only finally cantered off when security was guaranteed and experience coped with any worries. Following the advice of all those TV therapists to know what the other was thinking and doing through 'talking', was well and truly ditched when revealed as a posh form of nagging. Silence in its place is golden.

Contempt is always a show-stopper. If it manages to creep into a relationship -and not just a romantic one- it will surface over and over again on the tiniest opportunity despite the best of intentions. I believe it is impossible -baring extraordinary circumstances- to make a person that has felt contempt for you even once forget the experience and not feel it again anytime you do something even slightly out of their taste. It is like broken glass or crumpled paper; it will never be perfect again.

Stonewalling may be the result of an over-persistent partner that refuses to put themselves in your shoes and give you any leeway whatsoever as they invoke everything from social norms to their "feelings" to convince you that you are indeed an elephant. After a point it is the only way to keep some semblance of self-respect (it is unbearable to have to accept that you are always wrong) or even sanity in extreme cases.

What about the feeling of happiness when she decides to go out for the day and leave me to myself.

I also have a "controlling and abusive" partner. If she was a well balanced person I might just consider leaving him (their child) with her - of course if she was well balanced I would have no reason to leave. But neither would I risk leaving him with a controlling abusive person. People like this need to control and abuse - and if you are not the target he might be.

Stay together for the kids. Which is what my parents did and I'm so grateful for it.

If they can just cooperate as friends living in the same house then fine. If there are fights or stress and tensions in the household (even if hidden) then the children will suffer for it and a separation may be far better. I've seen healthy separations from the children's point of view. They just need to clearly understand the new arrangement and how it will work from their point of view, and to feel that they still have security and that there will always be someone there for them as they grow up.

One of the difficulties with marriage is the number of different functions it is expected to perform. Marriage as source of personal emotional and sexual fulfilment isn't the same as marriage as stable environment for loving and raising children. I think the latter can be possible even if the former fades, providing the husband and wife make it their priority. This would of course mean maintaining mutual respect and willing cooperation.

Every family is different. I know those who have divorced and regretted it, others who have no doubts that becoming a single parent was the right route to take.

Very well said. The stay together for the kids or to keep the family together line- sometimes seems more about self deception, or possibly selfishly deflecting away from the possibility of change. And as you say kids always know when their parents are just existing with each other or are unhappy. Sadly, I suspect some kids whose parents use them as a way to hide away from facing things as they are, will grow up and be more vulnerable to putting up with problems instead of tackling them as they arise.

If you ARE having kids - have 'em when you're in your twenties - preferably early twenties. You'll still be (to a 50 y.o.) young when they've left home,  and you'll have the energy to deal with all the challenges, and the flexibility to roll with the punches. And once you HAVE kids - commit to it, read up on it, do everything you can to give those kids a happy childhood: nothing is more important than that, even your own so-called happiness. Any problems you have with your partner are just gonna have to wait (beyond abuse, of course).

Stonewalling - my experience is that this is usually caused by one person feeling that dialogue does not work - not because they are afraid or don't want to hear what is being said but because repeatedly their past dialogue and discussion is ignored or not taken on board so they end up shutting up shop because there's clearly no point continuing to communicate with someone who talks the talk but doesn't walk the walk. They then get blamed for stonewalling when the issue is actually more complex than it first seems.

 What a vexed world we live in ….