39: If only we realised

A beautiful and indelibly sad post from somone who must have been very brave. The full link to the article is below but the following extract (particularly para 4 below) struck me:

Charlotte has blogged on The Huffington Post UK since 2013 and sadly passed away on Tuesday 16 September from bowel cancer. She wrote one final post that she wished to share with all of her readers. We are honoured to offer it to you here.

As I write this, I am sat on the sofa, relatively pain-free and busy doing my little projects, sorting out the funeral and selling my car. We wake up every morning, grateful I can have a cuddle and kiss my babies.

As you read this, I will no longer be here. Rich will be trying to put one foot in front of the other, to get by, a day at a time, knowing I will no longer awake next to him. He will see me in the luxury of a dream, but in the harsh morning sun, the bed will be empty. He will get two cups from the cupboard, but realise there is only one coffee to make. Lucy will need someone to reach for her hairband box, but there won't be anyone to plait her hair. Danny will have lost one of his Lego policeman, but no one will know exactly which one it is or where to look. You will look for the latest update on the blog. There won't be one, this is the final chapter.

And so I leave a gaping, unjust, cruel and pointless hole, not just in Halliford Road, but in all the homes, thoughts and memories of other loved ones, friends and families. For that I am sorry. I would love to still be with you, laughing, eating my weird and latest miracle food, chatting rubbish 'Charleyisms'. I have so much life I still want to live, but know I won't have that. I want to be there for my friends as they move with their lives, see my children grow up and become old and grumpy with Rich. All these things are to be denied of me
.
But, they are not to be denied of you. So, in my absence, please, please, enjoy life. Take it by both hands, grab it, shake it and believe in every second of it. Adore your children. You have literally no idea how blessed you are to shout at them in the morning to hurry up and clean their teeth.
Embrace your loved one and if they cannot embrace you back, find someone who will. Everyone deserves to love and be loved in return. Don't settle for less. Find a job you enjoy, but don't become a slave to it. You will not have 'I wish I'd worked more' on your headstone. Dance, laugh and eat with your friends. True, honest, strong friendships are an utter blessing and a choice we get to make, rather than have to share a loyalty with because there happens to be link through blood. Choose wisely then treasure them with all the love you can muster. Surround yourself with beautiful things. Life has a lot of grey and sadness - look for that rainbow and frame it. There is beauty in everything, sometimes you just have to look a little harder to see it.

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/charlotte-kitley/bowel-cancer-charlotte-kitley_b_5836238.html

38: Contrast

Come home with a splitting headache.

Lie down for five minutes. No asking why, let alone sympathy. 

Suitcases from holiday still not unpacked - three weeks now. 

'There's some chicken in the fridge. You will have to boil up some vegetables for him. Bring in the washing, put in basket and take to the study.' Sink is also full.  Not exactly been busy given the cleaner has been around. 'I'm off to meet the girls.'

Going out is clearly not my problem - it is the lack of work. 

37: The One that Got Away

A newspaper published a series of articles by authors on 'The One that Got Away' and also invited submissions from readers. So, here was mine:

Let me call her P.. How would I describe her to you? Think Darryl Hannah then and Gwyneth Paltrow now. Turning left at the mini-roundabout at the front of the KM Sports Centre in the late nineties, on our way to R.’s house for an evening of watching Blake’s Seven, she turned to me and said, ‘I’m sort of going out with R..’ ‘Oh,’ I said, ‘great, is he sort of going out with you?!’ ‘Yes.’

Pardon the grandiosity but I remember feeling like Steve Martin in Roxanne as Darryl Hannah praises another. Now that my life has moved on to being Kevin Spacey and American Beauty, I wonder if P. was The One.

She and I shared a house for a while, as friends. P. was generous, kind, dedicated – lovely in every way; I was an idiot. A middle class, Asian background, from a liberal and professional family. But I had seen great uncles and uncles marry German and French and American with not hugely pleasant results – perhaps shared culture was important for a lifelong relationship?

Other middle-aged, mixed marriage couples only appeared to socialise with other such couples, a sort of sub-community that felt isolated and depressing. My head full of career, wanting to ‘go back’, desiring to be a corporate high-flier; also afraid of threatening a friendship by suggesting something more.

Would it have worked out if I had overcome my fear and discovered that she felt the same affection? Close to twenty years later, I know what to look for in a relationship – support, common purpose, a haven, friendship, the confidence of doing right rather than the continuous fear of doing wrong, someone to find comfort in rather than feel lonely with. But, in their twenties, few know this and fewer still achieve that contentment. If we had stayed in the Midlands, UK, would I have, in time, resented the lack of the international career I craved? Had we moved, would she have pined for the career she would be leaving behind?

P. and I lost touch for many years as I moved countries, got married, had children but then we met up again. We meet rarely but text often. I find huge support in her and she says I am a good friend to her. Were I single I would drop at her feet to make up for lost time - if she would have me. Would I send this to her as a letter – no, for fear of threatening a friendship I value deeply. If this is published, would I send her a link? No, but, strangely enough, I might well print out and proffer on meeting next time. As a tribute, as a thank you.

Please don’t be angry with me. I love you from the bottom of my heart, wish you nothing but the best and thank you for being in my life. That evening, as we turned left, I was braver (and more of a coward) than ever before and, P., you need to see Roxanne or Cyrano de Bergerac to understand that line. Xx

Annonymous

How I dream of a week or two away with one who gives me confidence that life is ok, content and something to appreciate. A Mediterranean town maybe, meandering down cobbled streets, pool, relaxing spa, a good book, gentle talk.


Just a bit of calm

Note from December 2019: Interesting how narratives change. In browsing through old posts, I came across this - Post 125. Though I remain in love with P., even if she did reciprocate, I wonder if I will have the energy to be in a relationship. Is it possible to be the most intimate of friends and yet live independent lives? I hope so but just friendship is the most valuable.  xx

Entry 36: The Classic Line – you could at least do something

This at the end of a week where she has not woken up once before 10 am, where she has been responsible for two meals only, I have cleared the dishwasher umpteen times, we have been out for dinner and the theatre, she has gone to a party on her own, I have looked after our son from clothes to meals to playing football for hours.

She has loaded and unloaded the washing machine. She has put the clothes out to dry. But when I began to take them upstairs from the sitting room, ‘don’t do that – you don’t know how to fold. I’m going to them in an order.’ They are still there three days later.

The reason for the line?

One chair had not been moved from one room to another. Fair enough – I forgot.

Once more she was stressed because she had spent all day basically doing nothing but had to get books and pencils ready for the start of the new term. And, of course, stuff that other people – like other mums – will see has been done immaculately. The role model of efficiency to all but those at home.

Tired and looking forward to next summer already. How do I make the change?

Entry 35: What I really mean!!

A very good friend of mine posted this on Facebook - http://m.tickld.com/x/next-time-someone-says-women-communicate-differently-to-men

Makes sense but is wrong. Let me explain. 

So, this top arrives and she considers wearing it for the party. It's a nice top. My initial - internal - thought is that she has finally woken up and bought something appropriate to her shape; a little loose. 

All I say is that it looks good. 

'Can't believe you did not say it was too big.'

This from a woman who does absolutely nothing to lose weight or improve her shape. 

Damn - still don't have that mind reading skill. 😟

Entry 34: a week back

They have been back a week and mostly it has gone well - though I am very tired!!

The day after arrival I had booked a local pub lunch for 1 pm - intending to set off at 12:30. Of course, we did not leave till 12:50. When she had had nothing to do other than get ready. 

I have taken the week off and so it has continued through the week. The house is a mess again, procrastination everywhere. I have done 95% or more of cooking, looking after our son, cooking for her cousin who came to visit, she has not woken up before 10 any morning - 11 yesterday - but the drama is all her's and the instructions are never ending. 

Going out for a party tonight and - jokingly - I mentioned that she would not be allowed to go unless the front hall was  cleared of her suitcases. They are still there!!

It is the double standards that get me. Had I or our son been tasked with something, we would not hear the end of it until done. 

I go back to my supposition that routine work bores her. But finding and booking cheap tickets for our holiday, getting points for an hotel booking, ordering a dress for a party - all done. 

I was going to the gym anyway but now I know (or rather, remember) why it is necessary to do so - just to get away from the constant instructions and being treated like an incompetent. 

Entry 33: The Return

The usual 'away during the summer' is coming to an end. Things have been ok on the phone but with the occasional spark which I have combatted.

Been a reasonable summer for me. With friends and time at the gym. But I have also spent a lot of time alone and I cannot work out whether I have enjoyed those periods. Possibly I have struggled as I am no longer used to being alone. But ....

Robin Williams died recently - well, took his own life - and one of his quotes apparently was, 'I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.' How true those words are. Self-pitying, yes, but how I long to just let go, to melt into another, to be unconditional. 

The day after they get back is a landmark anniversary. I had thought we might not go out as it was just the day after but I am on holiday next week and so we could pick a day and go out then. I only mentioned that we could go somewhere local and immediately she got riled. But, the new me, decided to lay out my position and suddenly on mention of theatre, a diamond and fancy dinner, I am in good books again!!

I'm generally regarded as grumpy at work and indeed at home but the 'wrong things' frankly annoy me. I cannot accept unreasonable behaviour and it affects me adversely. Amongst my friends, however, quality people all, I believe I am different. The conclusion I have come to is that I tend to reflect my surroundings - I cannot bend the surroundings to my will. Some can through sheer confidence; I lack the energy. 

In every thing I do, I do try to do the right thing as I see it but 'right' is subjective and not rational. 

Take this landmark anniversary or indeed any occasion. I am perfectly ok whether I receive a present or not. For her, spend has a good correlation with happiness and reward. We are all healthy when all around us people and things are falling apart. We can afford a great house, we lack for nothing, we have an amazing son. And, yet, that is not enough. Yes I can be grumpy in certain circumstances but I believe I have the ability to be content and grateful - I am not sure she does. 

But, in a way I suppose that is unfair. I suppose I crave emotional rewards. Do my friends still like me? Does my child love me? Am I a good enough friend/dad? (The lack of 'husband' - well I have tried but been taken for granted for too long and treated with disdain while with from the other two I have received unconditional love.) With friends and son I am continually searching for positive reinforcement. With wife, I am happy enough not to receive negative feedback!!

Lol