Wife and son are due to return this coming week-end. What will the atmosphere be like?
I've just booked an expensive hotel in Venice for a four-day break in late October - hopefully that will keep her quiet for a while. Spend money, be happy.
I was speaking on the phone to a friend of mine who has been with her husband for 10 years now. And she was saying that they go through ups and downs and that they row.
Perhaps we should row also but I would end up saying things that I do mean - as in these blogs - and that would not be good. She does spout nasty things when angry but I have to let them go for fear of opening up my full resentment.
This friend also spoke of her brother whose marriage, apparently, really is in trouble. But they continue because of two very young kids.
Increasingly - perhaps because my parents have a combined age of 160, perhaps because of the recent funeral - I feel myself getting morbid and thinking of / being fearful of death. It must be because we think of ourselves as immortal that we do the things we do - work too hard, fight, quarrel. Believing perhaps that once this bad thing is over, all will be well.
Will I be able to slow things down, take my time, enjoy what is out there without searching for it - breathe every moment and know its worth?
Monday 22 August 2011
Wednesday 10 August 2011
Entry 12: A Time for Review - 10 August 2011
Haven't posted in a while as there is little to say. School closed, we - all three - went to India and now I have come back; they return at the end of August ready for school.
Nothing really has changed in our relationship and we certainly haven't spoken of our issues. She signs herself ILU (I Love You) in her texts, before we went on holiday she appeared to be doing more around the house and there is some evidence of a reduction in cutting remarks. And, maybe, the fault lies more with me now and it is up to me to make an effort.
But, it is difficult. I was genuine for so many years and all I was met with was callousness. I am also writing 'ILU' in my texts but I don't really mean it. The camel's back is broken and I have no wish to enter into the maelstrom of being hurt again.
Anyway, that wasn't the review I was talking about when I opened this blog. Today I went to my former Headmaster's funeral. He was only 70 but had suffered a severe stroke in April which, I understand, had completely incapacitated him. Perhaps death was a release and though that sounds trite and self-serving, his wife and daughter appeared to be at peace with what had happened and could even smile. It was a pleasant service and there was one particularly beautiful passage:
'To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and to endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know that even one life has breathed easier because you lived; this is to have succeeded.' Ralph Waldo Emerson.
Clearly a more succint predecessor of:
Nothing really has changed in our relationship and we certainly haven't spoken of our issues. She signs herself ILU (I Love You) in her texts, before we went on holiday she appeared to be doing more around the house and there is some evidence of a reduction in cutting remarks. And, maybe, the fault lies more with me now and it is up to me to make an effort.
But, it is difficult. I was genuine for so many years and all I was met with was callousness. I am also writing 'ILU' in my texts but I don't really mean it. The camel's back is broken and I have no wish to enter into the maelstrom of being hurt again.
Anyway, that wasn't the review I was talking about when I opened this blog. Today I went to my former Headmaster's funeral. He was only 70 but had suffered a severe stroke in April which, I understand, had completely incapacitated him. Perhaps death was a release and though that sounds trite and self-serving, his wife and daughter appeared to be at peace with what had happened and could even smile. It was a pleasant service and there was one particularly beautiful passage:
'To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and to endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know that even one life has breathed easier because you lived; this is to have succeeded.' Ralph Waldo Emerson.
Clearly a more succint predecessor of:
Wear Sunscreen
Mary Schmich
Wear sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.
Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing every day that scares you.
Sing.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss.
Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.
Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.
Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.
Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.
Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.
Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.
Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen.
And I suppose the 'review' really is that we are not here for long. And while, yes, it would be great to make up with my wife and get back to where we have been in snatches, they have always been patches on the edge of precipices. So maybe I should just 'endure the betrayal of false friends' and maybe I shouldn't 'put up with people who are reckless with your's'. Not putting up means not reacting as separation is not an option as I have a responsibility - and it would not have been an option even if there were no child in the equation.
And I suppose the 'review' really is that we are not here for long. And while, yes, it would be great to make up with my wife and get back to where we have been in snatches, they have always been patches on the edge of precipices. So maybe I should just 'endure the betrayal of false friends' and maybe I shouldn't 'put up with people who are reckless with your's'. Not putting up means not reacting as separation is not an option as I have a responsibility - and it would not have been an option even if there were no child in the equation.
Wednesday 13 April 2011
Entry 11: Relative Peace
The relative peace continues at home.
After the epiphany moment I wrote about last week, I have been more relaxed. We speak civilly at home but that's about it.
No laughter, no sharing and no joy except for when we discuss our son.
After the epiphany moment I wrote about last week, I have been more relaxed. We speak civilly at home but that's about it.
No laughter, no sharing and no joy except for when we discuss our son.
Tuesday 22 March 2011
Entry 10: An Epiphany (sort of...)
Life has been pretty calm of late. Partly due to the fact that I had an epiphany moment the other day.
Something has 'clicked' inside me and I wonder if things will ever be the same again - which is a terrifying thought to contemplate given that we are both relatively young. Anyway, the epiphany was that I cannot let this issue affect me adversely: I could easily let this thing gnaw away at me and become the only thing I think about. So, at work as well as at home, I have decided that I will concern myself with and do my best at the things that I control, I will advise in the areas I can influence but ignore the rest and not get upset or excited. This the only way to bring some focus to my mind.
Already I have avoided meeting up with friends - other than close ones - as I haven't been in the mood to be relaxed and friendly; this I have to correct.
I was telling a close friend I did meet up with about some of my issues, and it occurred to me that I have always relied on my friends to give me confidence. They are the only group who have an unadulteratedly positive view of me and in whose company I feel some worth. One's partner should be there to support, to help, to build up and not to criticise, make one feel small and treat like an idiot.
Something has 'clicked' inside me and I wonder if things will ever be the same again - which is a terrifying thought to contemplate given that we are both relatively young. Anyway, the epiphany was that I cannot let this issue affect me adversely: I could easily let this thing gnaw away at me and become the only thing I think about. So, at work as well as at home, I have decided that I will concern myself with and do my best at the things that I control, I will advise in the areas I can influence but ignore the rest and not get upset or excited. This the only way to bring some focus to my mind.
Already I have avoided meeting up with friends - other than close ones - as I haven't been in the mood to be relaxed and friendly; this I have to correct.
I was telling a close friend I did meet up with about some of my issues, and it occurred to me that I have always relied on my friends to give me confidence. They are the only group who have an unadulteratedly positive view of me and in whose company I feel some worth. One's partner should be there to support, to help, to build up and not to criticise, make one feel small and treat like an idiot.
Tuesday 8 March 2011
Entry 9: A Microcosm
A microcosm of why I have given up.
Last Monday and Tuesday I stayed home to do odd jobs around the house - like putting up mirrors and pictures and so on. I had initially brought the stuff out of the garage in August last year and then taken a day off in October to do the work but she hadn't made up her mind.
Anyway, I do the drilling and things, there's dust around. I use the dustpan and brush. No thanks for the work, the minimum help with the activity but immediate criticism for having used the dustpan and brush instead of the vacuum cleaner. Couldn't she have got off her fat arse and gone round cleaning after each drilling if she felt the need instead of sitting around and doing Facebook while I worked?
Last Monday and Tuesday I stayed home to do odd jobs around the house - like putting up mirrors and pictures and so on. I had initially brought the stuff out of the garage in August last year and then taken a day off in October to do the work but she hadn't made up her mind.
Anyway, I do the drilling and things, there's dust around. I use the dustpan and brush. No thanks for the work, the minimum help with the activity but immediate criticism for having used the dustpan and brush instead of the vacuum cleaner. Couldn't she have got off her fat arse and gone round cleaning after each drilling if she felt the need instead of sitting around and doing Facebook while I worked?
Monday 7 March 2011
Entry 8: Help!
No, we haven't spoken about our issues. Life continues peaceably enough but there is no laughter and no fun. But things are definitely not getting better.
She fell really ill on Thursday (3rd) and spent the whole day in bed - some sort of viral. Better on Friday but down again on Friday evening. Drama, drama, drama - 'man-flu' in a woman.
So on Saturday I do about three hours of ironing from all the stuff that had been piling up for weeks. (the cleaner usually only has time to do a few things each week and then I - not she - have to blitz.) This in addition to taking our son to the shops to buy a toy, give him a shower, get him ready, keep him entertained, run the wash and do the drying and prepare lunch for us all. She was too ill to help in any of this but not too ill to work out some complicated train timings for a friend of hers and do Facebook.
And the point is, I do not mind. I do not need thanks and nor do I need praise. But it is the additional heap of criticisms and accusations of being uncaring which truly make me angry. Like, today, early in the morning, I unload the dishwasher, get our son ready for school and drop him off. And then are snide comments about my having forgotten to give him his water bottle and a snack. Yes, I did forget and I should not have but, really, is it fair to focus only on that?
So I come home from work, immediately get down to feeding our son. Am informed that she is still not well and will not be having any dinner. I get a bite from the fridge, have dinner with our son, read him a story, put him to bed and then go back down to the kitchen to clear up. All this time she is too ill to eat or help but well enough to do Facebook.
I met an old friend of mine for lunch last Friday and shared with her some of my frustrations. This is something I have not done before - mostly because I do not see the point of burdening someone else with my stuff but partly out of respect for my wife. The only confidant a person should need is his or her partner. I would have had to let everything out for the lunch to be truly therapeutic but some is better than none.
Help!
She fell really ill on Thursday (3rd) and spent the whole day in bed - some sort of viral. Better on Friday but down again on Friday evening. Drama, drama, drama - 'man-flu' in a woman.
So on Saturday I do about three hours of ironing from all the stuff that had been piling up for weeks. (the cleaner usually only has time to do a few things each week and then I - not she - have to blitz.) This in addition to taking our son to the shops to buy a toy, give him a shower, get him ready, keep him entertained, run the wash and do the drying and prepare lunch for us all. She was too ill to help in any of this but not too ill to work out some complicated train timings for a friend of hers and do Facebook.
And the point is, I do not mind. I do not need thanks and nor do I need praise. But it is the additional heap of criticisms and accusations of being uncaring which truly make me angry. Like, today, early in the morning, I unload the dishwasher, get our son ready for school and drop him off. And then are snide comments about my having forgotten to give him his water bottle and a snack. Yes, I did forget and I should not have but, really, is it fair to focus only on that?
So I come home from work, immediately get down to feeding our son. Am informed that she is still not well and will not be having any dinner. I get a bite from the fridge, have dinner with our son, read him a story, put him to bed and then go back down to the kitchen to clear up. All this time she is too ill to eat or help but well enough to do Facebook.
I met an old friend of mine for lunch last Friday and shared with her some of my frustrations. This is something I have not done before - mostly because I do not see the point of burdening someone else with my stuff but partly out of respect for my wife. The only confidant a person should need is his or her partner. I would have had to let everything out for the lunch to be truly therapeutic but some is better than none.
Help!
Monday 28 February 2011
Entry 7: A Couple of Examples
Saturday 26th
We HAD to leave at 11 am to be on time for a lunch invitation from a cousin of mine on the other side of London.
Son and I woke up, installed an exercise bike, had breakfast, showered and got ready. All she had to do was (i) make some derogatory comment about what I had chosen for our son to wear and (ii) get ready herself.
My son and I were ready on time but she wasn't: we left at 1130.
Sunday 27th
But, damn, she was ready on time, on the dot at 10:45, for an appointment with her friend whose son was having a birthday party.
All night I squeezed into our son's bed as he was suffering from a fever and I knew that he was likely to run a temperature at night - and it duly came at 4:30 a.m.. Was I told in the morning, 'you were up last night, I'll get him ready and take him to the birthday?' ummmmm ... no!
Monday 28th
A peaceful day putting up pictures around the house - the ones I had had ready since August!
Do I open up? Speak about my irritations? I don't know.
We HAD to leave at 11 am to be on time for a lunch invitation from a cousin of mine on the other side of London.
Son and I woke up, installed an exercise bike, had breakfast, showered and got ready. All she had to do was (i) make some derogatory comment about what I had chosen for our son to wear and (ii) get ready herself.
My son and I were ready on time but she wasn't: we left at 1130.
Sunday 27th
But, damn, she was ready on time, on the dot at 10:45, for an appointment with her friend whose son was having a birthday party.
All night I squeezed into our son's bed as he was suffering from a fever and I knew that he was likely to run a temperature at night - and it duly came at 4:30 a.m.. Was I told in the morning, 'you were up last night, I'll get him ready and take him to the birthday?' ummmmm ... no!
Monday 28th
A peaceful day putting up pictures around the house - the ones I had had ready since August!
Do I open up? Speak about my irritations? I don't know.
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