A dear friend of mine sent me this little beauty:
http://markmanson.net/not-giving-a-fuck
We both feel that we do the right things and are ok people but we just get fucked over. So - as a New Year's Resolution-with-a-capital-R, we will try not to give a fuck.
Have tried to make a start already.
Instead of one week-day evening at the gym, I'm going to go twice. She snores, so if I'm not asleep and can't get to sleep, or am disturbed out of sleep, I just go to the guest room to sleep - where previously I would have worried about offending her.
Have I written about the pearl earrings yet? Or the diamond one?
So, it is a couple of days away from her birthday and we are due to go to a large nearby mall - timing it so my son and I can also go to a film he wants to watch. I give him breakfast and go to the gym. Am back by 1030 am and she has not even come downstairs yet, let alone get ready. So it is one o'clock by the time we leave - too late for the film.
This timing issue and hypocrisy issue bothers the hell out of me - I'll come back to the jewellery story. The next day she has to be out of the house by 9:30 am to meet her friends and of course she is - timing only does not matter when it is us.
Hypocrisy also comes from the fact that she is always getting at us for putting things away and being tidy. And, yet, usually the whole house is a mess - generally a clean up happens early on the day the cleaner is due to come! And I had to do a couple of hours ironing again today because sheets and our son's clothes had piled up and up - in addition to mine which I always do anyway. I ask about his school uniform and am told it is in the wash - Ms Organisation not organised.
Today - a Sunday - I give him some milk and biscuits, go the gym, am back by 11. Breakfast only just finished for them. Prepare lunch, take him to a film, come back and iron. Prepare his dinner and take him upstairs for some reading and a good night cuddle. Only then does she get down to cooking some food for him to take to school tomorrow and putting things in the wash. This will mean that she will probably miss a TV programme she wants to watch and mentally will be saying, 'oh I'm so busy, I can't even watch some TV.'
All this - and other entries - probably make me sound anal. I am really not, as my friends will probably testify. I like consistency, I do not like panic or being vexed, I like calm but I know things can go wrong and I do not expect of others what I do not expect of myself.
Anyway, back to the earrings. Despite all the displeasure of me, she is not averse to buying a birthday present at the mall last week. Leather jackets still don't fit but pearl earrings? Yeah, reassuringly expensive.
Makes me laugh then that when I want to order a book for my former boss who is not very well at all, she takes the reigns and searches on the internet for somewhere which sells it a couple of pounds cheaper!?! The true meaning of penny wise, pound foolish. And the need to control, control, control.
Then she also proceeds to lose a diamond earring. Is she particularly bothered? Does not seem like it? My reaction to her? Do I rant and rave as she would to our son if he were to lose something valuable? No. Do I want to rant and rave? No. When will she realise that to expect perfection of others when one is not perfect oneself is unbelievably immature? Never is my best guess.
Sunday 11 January 2015
Saturday 3 January 2015
50: All Continues but a point has been reached - Jan '15
I came across this article today and it made me cry - not just in sympathy with the writer and her daughter but also in selfish recognition of what we do not have. And, critically, perhaps what I no longer even want.
http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jan/03/letter-to-daughter-who-just-lost-her-husband
The 'love' described may be idealised and why not? I know enough couples - friends, family - who seem to have found their proper partners. I was discussing this over a glass of mulled wine with a good friend of mine who is in his now late forties and is on the internet dating scene. He had two long relationships and freely admits that he lost them both through his actions. Now it is serial dating and fun but being aware that he may - as he puts it - end up lonely. (In contrast, I have another friend who is determinedly single and states that she has no desire to be in a romantic relationship ever.)
My friend knows Her well - in fact, he came to our wedding. He wonders whether we could separate but I know that that is not an option. Mainly because I could not leave our son. And I could not do that to him.
So, life continues. I do no criticise her in any way but I may take my advice to myself seriously and stop caring about what she thinks. This holiday period, she continues to have a lie in till 9:30 or more everyday but then out come the barking orders. I would like to know how many of her housewife friends stay in bed, watch TV, do hardly any cooking or ironing or cleaning during the holidays. I do not say that resentfully though it may come across as so - I say to remind myself in the future that I did all the right things.
Aren't there some trite sayings that teach that one should not look to change one's partner but rather appreciate what he/she is? Well, from the beginning, in our household life, I have tried to support her. From cooking, cleaning, ironing to night-feeds as she needs her sleep. I cut off some childhood friends whom she fell out with. Admittedly, they were in the wrong but there was nothing mealy mouthed about my reaction - no asking her to compromise. They were wrong and if she wanted them cut off, so be it.
I do not criticise her procrastination. But there are just so many times I can keep bouncing back only to be slapped down again. She raves about our years in Paris now but made my life a misery then - to the extent that I said I was quitting which displeased my very important boss at the time. We bought a house so she could walk our son to school but it was not a big house - and we moved to a bigger house now that she can drive. Not going to work is her choice and I have not pushed her either way on that. Not using babysitters is her choice, living far away from my parents was her choice - though she may now complain that other parents help out.
Our son is in a perfectly decent school. But, no, she is taking him to other open days and will probably make him sit exams to change. Some of her friends are doing so also and she is talking to our son about going to those other schools by bus - and teasing by saying his close friends may leave. At the breakfast table I suggested that she lay off as any exams were two years away and could we not debate this now? What I did not add in front of our son was, 'just because you are never satisfied, can you not just leave things alone and not fill his head with uncertainty? Let him be content and happy.'
So what do I mean by saying, 'And, critically, perhaps what I no longer even want.' I am trying to wean myself of being afraid of her anger and unhappiness. Become more businesslike. And having given my all and being little but insulted in return, I'm not sure I even have the energy for a 'proper relationship.' It would be more than she deserves.
http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jan/03/letter-to-daughter-who-just-lost-her-husband
The 'love' described may be idealised and why not? I know enough couples - friends, family - who seem to have found their proper partners. I was discussing this over a glass of mulled wine with a good friend of mine who is in his now late forties and is on the internet dating scene. He had two long relationships and freely admits that he lost them both through his actions. Now it is serial dating and fun but being aware that he may - as he puts it - end up lonely. (In contrast, I have another friend who is determinedly single and states that she has no desire to be in a romantic relationship ever.)
My friend knows Her well - in fact, he came to our wedding. He wonders whether we could separate but I know that that is not an option. Mainly because I could not leave our son. And I could not do that to him.
So, life continues. I do no criticise her in any way but I may take my advice to myself seriously and stop caring about what she thinks. This holiday period, she continues to have a lie in till 9:30 or more everyday but then out come the barking orders. I would like to know how many of her housewife friends stay in bed, watch TV, do hardly any cooking or ironing or cleaning during the holidays. I do not say that resentfully though it may come across as so - I say to remind myself in the future that I did all the right things.
Aren't there some trite sayings that teach that one should not look to change one's partner but rather appreciate what he/she is? Well, from the beginning, in our household life, I have tried to support her. From cooking, cleaning, ironing to night-feeds as she needs her sleep. I cut off some childhood friends whom she fell out with. Admittedly, they were in the wrong but there was nothing mealy mouthed about my reaction - no asking her to compromise. They were wrong and if she wanted them cut off, so be it.
I do not criticise her procrastination. But there are just so many times I can keep bouncing back only to be slapped down again. She raves about our years in Paris now but made my life a misery then - to the extent that I said I was quitting which displeased my very important boss at the time. We bought a house so she could walk our son to school but it was not a big house - and we moved to a bigger house now that she can drive. Not going to work is her choice and I have not pushed her either way on that. Not using babysitters is her choice, living far away from my parents was her choice - though she may now complain that other parents help out.
Our son is in a perfectly decent school. But, no, she is taking him to other open days and will probably make him sit exams to change. Some of her friends are doing so also and she is talking to our son about going to those other schools by bus - and teasing by saying his close friends may leave. At the breakfast table I suggested that she lay off as any exams were two years away and could we not debate this now? What I did not add in front of our son was, 'just because you are never satisfied, can you not just leave things alone and not fill his head with uncertainty? Let him be content and happy.'
So what do I mean by saying, 'And, critically, perhaps what I no longer even want.' I am trying to wean myself of being afraid of her anger and unhappiness. Become more businesslike. And having given my all and being little but insulted in return, I'm not sure I even have the energy for a 'proper relationship.' It would be more than she deserves.
49: Something pleasant - Jan '15
No, nothing has changed but thought I would write something more pleasant for a change.
The holidays has meant that I am mostly spending morning, noon and night with my son. He is now 9 and growing up to be a fine, young man. We have a lot of fun together, we play together and work together. He laughs at subtleties, his smile I can imagine on his adult face and I see a gentle, caring man.
I often re-read Garrison Keillor in 'We are Still Married'. In one story he dreams of his grandchildren. 'I imagined them strong and free, curious, sensual, indelibly cheerful and affectionate, open-handed - sympathetic to pain and misery and quick in charity, proud when insulted and modest if praised, fiercely loyal to friends. When you look at the stars, you don't think small. You don't hope your descendants will enjoy your mutual-fund portfolio, you imagine them as giants on earth.'
My one ambition is to give my son that little thing called 'confidence.'
And to protect him from anyone that threatens the good man he promises to become.
The holidays has meant that I am mostly spending morning, noon and night with my son. He is now 9 and growing up to be a fine, young man. We have a lot of fun together, we play together and work together. He laughs at subtleties, his smile I can imagine on his adult face and I see a gentle, caring man.
I often re-read Garrison Keillor in 'We are Still Married'. In one story he dreams of his grandchildren. 'I imagined them strong and free, curious, sensual, indelibly cheerful and affectionate, open-handed - sympathetic to pain and misery and quick in charity, proud when insulted and modest if praised, fiercely loyal to friends. When you look at the stars, you don't think small. You don't hope your descendants will enjoy your mutual-fund portfolio, you imagine them as giants on earth.'
My one ambition is to give my son that little thing called 'confidence.'
And to protect him from anyone that threatens the good man he promises to become.
Sunday 28 December 2014
48: Sunday - shopping
So, the no-Christmas-present-crisis continues and so off we slop to Oxford Street - shoes and leather jacket the targets.
Have to be careful which shops to suggest - Debenhams, House of Fraser, Zara all too cheap.
John Lewis first. Only three walls with no 'sale' signs - clearly, we have to buy full price. Even though in previous years she has taken back to the shops the handbags I have bought her and made use of the reductions to buy more for less. Perfectly sensible in my book but clearly wrong if not her idea.
No shoes appropriate at JL and no leather jacket either.
Massimo Dutti for the jacket - reassuringly expensive. But even XL does not fit and she pulls a face as if it is my fault. Ironic that she constantly gets at me for having been fat when I was 5 through to about 12 but I have controlled things since then through sport. She was thin when young and somehow sees that as her achievement rather than her genes!
So Russel and Bromley - the branch that has no sale. £300 later, we have a boot. Same story with the jacket at Selfridges but at least we have a boot.
I do not get the logic of it all and I can only analyse through logic. Analysing through emotion would just be too difficult.
Instead of buying something that she did not want, I offer her the opportunity to choose what she wants herself - boots and clothes are very personal. This has created a crisis. I should have bought something - anything - so long as it was expensive and then she would have exchanged it - that would have been fine.
And the reason there is no point in analysing emotion is that I have tried to please her and support her for 15 years now. Her frequent unhappiness has affected me. I don't like it, I want to make it better, I take it as my fault. I seize on the moments of fun and forget what has gone before. But is it time to do what I have said often to myself that I should do? Cut off mentally?
What I suppose has prevented me is the thought that we will be married a long time and it is depressing to be feel myself be cold for that period - and if I am cold here, will I change elsewhere too? Can I be two-faced like her?
But if, for my sanity, and to protect our son, that is what I have to do? That is what I have to do.
Have to be careful which shops to suggest - Debenhams, House of Fraser, Zara all too cheap.
John Lewis first. Only three walls with no 'sale' signs - clearly, we have to buy full price. Even though in previous years she has taken back to the shops the handbags I have bought her and made use of the reductions to buy more for less. Perfectly sensible in my book but clearly wrong if not her idea.
No shoes appropriate at JL and no leather jacket either.
Massimo Dutti for the jacket - reassuringly expensive. But even XL does not fit and she pulls a face as if it is my fault. Ironic that she constantly gets at me for having been fat when I was 5 through to about 12 but I have controlled things since then through sport. She was thin when young and somehow sees that as her achievement rather than her genes!
So Russel and Bromley - the branch that has no sale. £300 later, we have a boot. Same story with the jacket at Selfridges but at least we have a boot.
I do not get the logic of it all and I can only analyse through logic. Analysing through emotion would just be too difficult.
Instead of buying something that she did not want, I offer her the opportunity to choose what she wants herself - boots and clothes are very personal. This has created a crisis. I should have bought something - anything - so long as it was expensive and then she would have exchanged it - that would have been fine.
And the reason there is no point in analysing emotion is that I have tried to please her and support her for 15 years now. Her frequent unhappiness has affected me. I don't like it, I want to make it better, I take it as my fault. I seize on the moments of fun and forget what has gone before. But is it time to do what I have said often to myself that I should do? Cut off mentally?
What I suppose has prevented me is the thought that we will be married a long time and it is depressing to be feel myself be cold for that period - and if I am cold here, will I change elsewhere too? Can I be two-faced like her?
But if, for my sanity, and to protect our son, that is what I have to do? That is what I have to do.
Saturday 27 December 2014
47: A Typical Saturday
She sleeps in till 10.
I wake up with our son, spend some time with him, give him breakfast. I always create the New Year's card and so I do that. Go to the shops, cook lunch. Spend more time in the afternoon with him, get him showered and practice piano, do a couple of hours of ironing, prepare dinner. By this time she has done little else other than read a newspaper, berated him for lack of tidiness - when clothes and mess abound - and spent time on Facebook - doesn't even shower till just before dinner.
And it is not as if this is exceptional - as I have noted before, this is often the case. And I don't mind at all. What I do mind is that still I feel that I can do no right.
I started a new assignment recently at work. The boss turned out to be an absolute bully and I have decided to walk away and the reason is very clear - it is his behaviour. That may sound precious but at least a dozen people have come over to sympathise and two of his senior leadership team have come around - one to thank me for being so 'brave' and another to say that he feels like a minion. As at home, I was afraid of what I would do wrong rather than have the environment in which to feel confident that I could shine.
But what I can do at work I cannot do at home. There is no possibility of walking away - only of surviving and protecting myself and our son.
I wake up with our son, spend some time with him, give him breakfast. I always create the New Year's card and so I do that. Go to the shops, cook lunch. Spend more time in the afternoon with him, get him showered and practice piano, do a couple of hours of ironing, prepare dinner. By this time she has done little else other than read a newspaper, berated him for lack of tidiness - when clothes and mess abound - and spent time on Facebook - doesn't even shower till just before dinner.
And it is not as if this is exceptional - as I have noted before, this is often the case. And I don't mind at all. What I do mind is that still I feel that I can do no right.
I started a new assignment recently at work. The boss turned out to be an absolute bully and I have decided to walk away and the reason is very clear - it is his behaviour. That may sound precious but at least a dozen people have come over to sympathise and two of his senior leadership team have come around - one to thank me for being so 'brave' and another to say that he feels like a minion. As at home, I was afraid of what I would do wrong rather than have the environment in which to feel confident that I could shine.
But what I can do at work I cannot do at home. There is no possibility of walking away - only of surviving and protecting myself and our son.
46: A Common Story
I never doubted that mine was a common story but there was an article in a newspaper today which sounded eerily familiar:
http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/dec/26/im-being-emotionally-abused-by-my-husband
But the gender is reversed.
Yes, indeed, She is very much regarded as charming and efficient and helpful in the outside world. One kid at our son's school said, 'X's mum is always smiling - even when no one is looking.' Trust me - that is not the mum and wife we see at home.
I wonder how a psychology works that nothing is too much trouble for others, ironing may never be done at home but is taken to the in-laws, the son and I are continually told to clear up and tidy up when the house remains a mess for the areas down to her - another suitcase has still not been unpacked from almost eight weeks ago.
Perhaps I should write to the columnist and suggest that it is not always just the husband who creates the stress and any help for the husband/partner would be very much appreciated!
http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/dec/26/im-being-emotionally-abused-by-my-husband
But the gender is reversed.
Yes, indeed, She is very much regarded as charming and efficient and helpful in the outside world. One kid at our son's school said, 'X's mum is always smiling - even when no one is looking.' Trust me - that is not the mum and wife we see at home.
I wonder how a psychology works that nothing is too much trouble for others, ironing may never be done at home but is taken to the in-laws, the son and I are continually told to clear up and tidy up when the house remains a mess for the areas down to her - another suitcase has still not been unpacked from almost eight weeks ago.
Perhaps I should write to the columnist and suggest that it is not always just the husband who creates the stress and any help for the husband/partner would be very much appreciated!
Friday 26 December 2014
45: How (not) to be an adult - in trouble again - Dec 14
So, here we go again.
It's Christmas. As money spent is what matters, I usually buy an expensive handbag. She then goes and exchanges it in the New Year when the sales are on. No problem on my side with that.
This year she specifically says that she has too many handbags and will go for a coat and boots instead. As they have to be expensive, I figure that choosing with her would be the sensible thing. Because of work and school, we don't get to the shops till Christmas Eve.
I suggest a couple of shops - 'I'm not going there for a Christmas present - I go there all the time.' ;-)
So we walk around a number of shops, she can't choose anything and now we are in crisis because Santa Claus has not delivered anything in time.
In the meantime, she has spent a couple of hundred pounds of our money on clothes for me for Christmas and my birthday - clothes that I do not like and it is a ridiculous amount of money to spend at a time when we have to be careful with money. And if presents are supposed to be for the receiver more than the giver, she knows I would prefer golf lessons or cable TV subscription rather than clothes - but, as ever, it is about her, her, her.
Just a few days ago I was hearing lots of 'I love yous' - is a material gift really the determinant?
The amount of support I give her, the amount of work I do at home, counts for nothing?!
Four foreign trips, Tiffany's diamond ring, Michael Kors handbag - count for nothing?
New house, bigger kitchen, tons of money spent to make it like she wants - counts for nothing?
This is a person incapable of being happy.
To cap it all, out mobile provider offered a couple of free cinema tickets. Initially our son said, yes, he would like to go. But Santa Claus delivered a couple of DVDs he really wanted to watch asap and so he said he would prefer to stay at home and watch that instead.
She says that he HAS to go and use the tickets and if he did not then he would not be allowed to watch the film that that we had targeted at the cinema ever again.
Sometimes I wonder who is the 42 year old and who is the 9 year old in our house.
It's Christmas. As money spent is what matters, I usually buy an expensive handbag. She then goes and exchanges it in the New Year when the sales are on. No problem on my side with that.
This year she specifically says that she has too many handbags and will go for a coat and boots instead. As they have to be expensive, I figure that choosing with her would be the sensible thing. Because of work and school, we don't get to the shops till Christmas Eve.
I suggest a couple of shops - 'I'm not going there for a Christmas present - I go there all the time.' ;-)
So we walk around a number of shops, she can't choose anything and now we are in crisis because Santa Claus has not delivered anything in time.
In the meantime, she has spent a couple of hundred pounds of our money on clothes for me for Christmas and my birthday - clothes that I do not like and it is a ridiculous amount of money to spend at a time when we have to be careful with money. And if presents are supposed to be for the receiver more than the giver, she knows I would prefer golf lessons or cable TV subscription rather than clothes - but, as ever, it is about her, her, her.
Just a few days ago I was hearing lots of 'I love yous' - is a material gift really the determinant?
The amount of support I give her, the amount of work I do at home, counts for nothing?!
Four foreign trips, Tiffany's diamond ring, Michael Kors handbag - count for nothing?
New house, bigger kitchen, tons of money spent to make it like she wants - counts for nothing?
This is a person incapable of being happy.
To cap it all, out mobile provider offered a couple of free cinema tickets. Initially our son said, yes, he would like to go. But Santa Claus delivered a couple of DVDs he really wanted to watch asap and so he said he would prefer to stay at home and watch that instead.
She says that he HAS to go and use the tickets and if he did not then he would not be allowed to watch the film that that we had targeted at the cinema ever again.
Sometimes I wonder who is the 42 year old and who is the 9 year old in our house.
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