I came across this article today and it made me cry - not just in sympathy with the writer and her daughter but also in selfish recognition of what we do not have. And, critically, perhaps what I no longer even want.
http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jan/03/letter-to-daughter-who-just-lost-her-husband
The 'love' described may be idealised and why not? I know enough couples - friends, family - who seem to have found their proper partners. I was discussing this over a glass of mulled wine with a good friend of mine who is in his now late forties and is on the internet dating scene. He had two long relationships and freely admits that he lost them both through his actions. Now it is serial dating and fun but being aware that he may - as he puts it - end up lonely. (In contrast, I have another friend who is determinedly single and states that she has no desire to be in a romantic relationship ever.)
My friend knows Her well - in fact, he came to our wedding. He wonders whether we could separate but I know that that is not an option. Mainly because I could not leave our son. And I could not do that to him.
So, life continues. I do no criticise her in any way but I may take my advice to myself seriously and stop caring about what she thinks. This holiday period, she continues to have a lie in till 9:30 or more everyday but then out come the barking orders. I would like to know how many of her housewife friends stay in bed, watch TV, do hardly any cooking or ironing or cleaning during the holidays. I do not say that resentfully though it may come across as so - I say to remind myself in the future that I did all the right things.
Aren't there some trite sayings that teach that one should not look to change one's partner but rather appreciate what he/she is? Well, from the beginning, in our household life, I have tried to support her. From cooking, cleaning, ironing to night-feeds as she needs her sleep. I cut off some childhood friends whom she fell out with. Admittedly, they were in the wrong but there was nothing mealy mouthed about my reaction - no asking her to compromise. They were wrong and if she wanted them cut off, so be it.
I do not criticise her procrastination. But there are just so many times I can keep bouncing back only to be slapped down again. She raves about our years in Paris now but made my life a misery then - to the extent that I said I was quitting which displeased my very important boss at the time. We bought a house so she could walk our son to school but it was not a big house - and we moved to a bigger house now that she can drive. Not going to work is her choice and I have not pushed her either way on that. Not using babysitters is her choice, living far away from my parents was her choice - though she may now complain that other parents help out.
Our son is in a perfectly decent school. But, no, she is taking him to other open days and will probably make him sit exams to change. Some of her friends are doing so also and she is talking to our son about going to those other schools by bus - and teasing by saying his close friends may leave. At the breakfast table I suggested that she lay off as any exams were two years away and could we not debate this now? What I did not add in front of our son was, 'just because you are never satisfied, can you not just leave things alone and not fill his head with uncertainty? Let him be content and happy.'
So what do I mean by saying, 'And, critically, perhaps what I no longer even want.' I am trying to wean myself of being afraid of her anger and unhappiness. Become more businesslike. And having given my all and being little but insulted in return, I'm not sure I even have the energy for a 'proper relationship.' It would be more than she deserves.
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