78 - Even Now

Separate rooms, my own cooking and washing.

But interacting and talking and she has accepted my taking her out to an expensive restaurant for her birthday - a booking I had made some months ago.

So, this evening, 'we have to clean out the loft.' 'No rush is there?' 'Should do it now and not leave it.' (this from a woman who leaves clothes lying around for weeks and months, didn't tidy up the guest room, and forbade me from doing so, for four months,  and much more!) I say nothing.

'When we get some money together, we have to refresh the house or it'll turn into your parents' place.'

Previously I might have been supine and not said anything. 'Only last year  we poured £30k into this house!' I respond.

'And what about the kitchen? No one has a tired kitchen like our's. When we do it we will have to modernise and extend as well. And we won't be buying stuff from IKEA right? There you go.'

In none of that spiel does, 'And I'll support by bringing in cash..' come in.

I figured I was marrying a modern woman. Turns out she wants all the trappings of that and not be a 'traditional housewife', but does not care to do the work to get there. Clearly she is built to be the wife of an investment banker or a CEO or World Bank/UN high pajandrum whose work would be to spread largesse, be feted and be on committees. Oops!

I have never wanted a 'traditional housewife' either and have been happy to support her in every sense but I have drawn the line at being insulted on top.

'In their 30s,' she continues,'when people struggle for deposits, thanks to Company A, we did not struggle. Now we are having to.'

So, when we did not struggle, it's down to the company. Now that we are a little stretched - of our own volition as we had paid off the mortgage on the old house - the fault is mine. We have never had to budget, we have lived as expats .... all that 'just happens' I guess.

Sorry to be such a failure.

77 - What it is to succeed?

When my ten year old son hugs me tight-as-can-be and say, 'you are my dad, no one else's dad,' then I know that I have - for the moment - succeeded.

Through being fortunate I have been able to 'be there' for my child and I am hopeful that he will have some fond memories of his dad.

I know I am over-dramatising but I will take the barbs, the insults and the pointed comments because she cannot take away from me what I have with my boy.

76 - Beyond the Pale

I can take all the insults and the barbed comments - though I can no longer take the anger. But what has recently angered me beyond rage is her beliefs about our son (P.) and me.

In the past, she has suggested I would buy presents for my god-daughter in preference to P.. I stopped buying presents for my god-daughter - as I wrote earlier - to avoid the stress. That was wrong of me but it's too late now.

Recently she listened to a radio programme about wills and went on at me about making one to protect P.. That if anything were to happen to us / her, everything must go to P. This was a clear hint to me that she expected me to run away and start a new family to P's detriment. Am I imagining it? I listened to the same programme on the internet and, sure enough, one of the items was a piece about a man marrying again and his first daughter getting 25% of the inheritance. Then, the other day, she said, 'don't bother making a Christmas card including P and me - he's mine.'

I simply told her that her accusing me of or even suggesting that I would do anything to harm P was beyond anger. I said this calmly in a matter of fact way. My life is P - there is no one else - he is the only one who gives me some meaning and a measure of love. To think that I would disadvantage him is beyond anger and beneath contempt.

75 - Time Management yet again

So, I get home at 8 pm.

Bear in mind now that I am looking after myself now and it is only her and our son.

Dishwasher not cleared from the morning, cooking just finished, vegetables still strewn all over and sink full of dishes.

Normally I would have cleared all that up - not any more.

Cruel? Probably

74 - Back to Spending Money we should Avoid for now

‘We need a new garage door.’ ‘Need to put the TV on the wall and not on that IKEA low shelf.’

Ok, the garage door is broken but I would have thought decorating a room or carpeting the stairs or checking out damp would have come first.

‘You’re ok with this?’ ‘Because it feels like you’re happy with IKEA.’ ‘No one has a TV like we do. They all have mounted on the wall. It looks a mess.’

Sure, let’s go ahead, I think to myself. It’s only money.

Is the house impeccable? All rooms spick and span and tidy? A showroom? No, no and no. (not that I care but it is the double standards.)

But I say nothing. If I did, she would simply take that as a challenge, try to meet it and poor time management will lead to yet more stress – to the ultimate detriment of our son and me.

It is perfectly possible to have a beautiful home without continually buying stuff. It is, as ever, never her – it is the environment not allowing her to shine. The fact that the TV room has clothes strewn all over is presumably because the TV is not on a wall?! And it is beneath her to make an un-beautiful room, beautiful?

And, of course, once again, this is a dig at my alleged taste – ‘you look as if you’re happy with IKEA.’

Perhaps I am. Perhaps I do let function over-rule form. Perhaps I worry about money and affordability. Perhaps I am (too) easily satisfied. Perhaps I care less about what others are doing and I have less need to compare myself.

I am sorry I am such a disappointment and a failure.

73 - Yet more challenges to my value

Still living in separate rooms. Have had a quiet Christmas and New Year period – first at my brother’s and then at our house. We are keeping to our arrangement of not telling anyone of our separation just yet given that her birthday is coming up. I have presented her with several hundred pounds for Christmas and her birthday as it did not seem likely we would go shopping together – she has accepted.

‘Did you see how much your brother worked over the two days? He was continuously on his feet from working round the house to banking to shopping to printing ..’ Clear message that, in our household, she does everything and I do nothing. Probably now, yes, I do do less but I used to do all that + ironing + cleaning toilets + hoovering + …. Perhaps I should have pointed that out. Or that my sister-in-law also contributes through working and drawing an income. Or that my brother is away three days of the week and has been away for a year or more in the past – but what’s the point? I am not in competition with my brother and I am  confident that I have done my bit in terms of support.

(mentioning my brother reminds me that despite what I did around the house, you used to mention for a number of years – in a tone of considerable sarcasm – how I had helped him clean his oven or courier over baby food to Canada or take my nephew to school; as if I was not similarly helpful to you. All those examples happened before we were married – so this was retrospective anger and resentment. And, subsequently, I probably did connect less with my brother and sister-in-law because of you – again, to my shame.)

I mention in conversation that my boss is trying hard to get a pay rise for me and that there may even be a healthy retention bonus in a year’s time. And that the new boss of my old team also wants me and I could use this to my advantage. ‘Why didn’t you get this before? It’s not as if you could get a job somewhere else.’ ‘When will you re-negotiate the mortgage? We need to save money to build the bookshelves.’ Nothing about ‘Good luck’, ‘we’ll get through this period’, ‘I’ll try to get a job’… Not that I tell you any of this or that you could be a little more efficient in your credit card spend – thanks very much for your support!

I appreciate that everyone else is better than me, more successful than me – sorry you have had to make a life with such a failure.