A really interesting article on 7 ways to tell if you’re heading for divorce – was in the newspaper very
prominently and I wonder if she read it.
Not having enough sex. Unless there’s an underlying
psychosexual or medical reason, a lack of sex is usually a symptom of a deeper
relationship problem rather than the issue itself. (ok, so we haven’t since August 2015 and nothing happens the few times
we have tried since the summer. She has never been keen anyway – generally after
sex the remark has been, ‘satisfied now? Can I go back to sleep?’ I have to say
I am not particularly bothered – if the mental / emotional connection is not
there – and, for me, it is still not - then the rest is just going through the
motions.)
Spending time together. Date nights are not necessary unless you
want them to be. But not having them does not mean your relationship is doomed.
However, if we replace “date nights” with “spending time together”, that is
important. It can be going for a walk, watching a film or cooking together. (Over the last few months this has improved
– perhaps better than before. I am getting home earlier, I am being ‘allowed’
to cook again, we spend time in the kitchen, have gone out to films and meals –
a level of friendliness which is good. Less temper displayed and less lecturing
and criticism. Her relationship with our son also seems to have improved.)
Appreciation
and gratitude. These are really important and
if they go (or were never there in the first place) this can start to lead to
one of the four bigger warning signs below. It’s not about the grand gesture,
but small, everyday signs of appreciation. Saying, “I really appreciate how
hard you are working for the family,” or even just doing things like making
someone a cup of tea. (This is just the
hubbub of everyday life though I am not sure we have ever said, ‘I really
appreciate …’ – I make her coffee in the morning before going to work for
example and, recently, she has been making me orange juice.)
However,
in couples therapy there are the Gottman Institute’s “four horsemen of the apocalypse” signs, which are good to know about
and look for. These are warning signs that we would look for in therapy that
may signal a relationship where the problems go a little deeper and is in
trouble, unless the couple are prepared to recognise and work on these areas.
Criticism. If you or your partner criticise
each other habitually, you are attacking their personality. Over time, this
will breed resentment. If one person is constantly criticising the other
partner this can become a huge problem. (As
this blog make clear, this has been a HUGE issue – both for me and our son. It
is much improved but I wonder if everything is just being held in. But, in the
past, the carping has been continuous and vicious.)
Contempt. This is the hardest to work with
but not impossible as long as it’s named, recognised and both of you are
prepared to work on it. But if one consistently looks down on their partner, is
dismissive, constantly rolling their eyes at what the other says, mocks them,
is sarcastic (and not in jest) or sneers at their partner, then they are seeing
them as “less than”. Contempt can closely follow behind loss of respect. (‘don’t kid yourself that you could have got
a job elsewhere’, ‘are you a Head of .. or just a Manager’, ‘should have told
me you are impotent’, ‘hope your friend dies’, continuous diminishing of almost
everything that I did while at the same time wanting great appreciation of
everything that she did.)
Defensiveness. If you can’t talk to one another
because one or both of you are defensive, this can be a problem. Communication
is key to working on any relationship problem – without that you can’t get
anywhere. Defensiveness can lead to “blame tennis” where each person is just
lashing out in defence: “You did this.” “Yes, but you did this.” (we never really played blame tennis as I
never attacked and rarely defended myself – I tried to be accommodating enough
to try and find a way out.’)
Stonewalling. This is when one person
retreats, won’t talk, and will block the other person. It usually happens if
the person stonewalling doesn’t want to hear what’s being said, either because
they are afraid of it or can’t deal with it, or both. This can result in the
person being stonewalled desperately trying to talk to the other; they may even
try to trigger a row to get the stonewaller to react and talk. (did I stonewall over a period of time
because I did not react to what I considered to be significant provocations?
Possibly. From my side, I was afraid of reactions and if I did face silence,
that was good – it meant there was some peace!!)
Comments from readers below-the-line were really very interesting and shows
how common my story is:
Well those four
horsemen have been a constant in my marriage for over half a century. They only
finally cantered off when security was guaranteed and experience coped with any
worries. Following the advice of all those TV therapists to know what the other
was thinking and doing through 'talking', was well and truly ditched when
revealed as a posh form of nagging. Silence in its place is golden.
Contempt is always a
show-stopper. If it manages to creep into a relationship -and not just a
romantic one- it will surface over and over again on the tiniest opportunity
despite the best of intentions. I believe it is impossible -baring
extraordinary circumstances- to make a person that has felt contempt for you
even once forget the experience and not feel it again anytime you do something
even slightly out of their taste. It is like broken glass or crumpled paper; it
will never be perfect again.
Stonewalling may be
the result of an over-persistent partner that refuses to put themselves in your
shoes and give you any leeway whatsoever as they invoke everything from social
norms to their "feelings" to convince you that you are indeed an
elephant. After a point it is the only way to keep some semblance of
self-respect (it is unbearable to have to accept that you are always wrong) or
even sanity in extreme cases.
What about the feeling
of happiness when she decides to go out for the day and leave me to myself.
I also have a "controlling and abusive" partner. If she was a well
balanced person I might just consider leaving him (their child) with her - of course if she was well balanced I would
have no reason to leave. But neither would I risk leaving him with a
controlling abusive person. People like this need to control and abuse - and if
you are not the target he might be.
Stay together for the
kids. Which is what my parents did and I'm so grateful for it.
If they can just
cooperate as friends living in the same house then fine. If there are fights or
stress and tensions in the household (even if hidden) then the children will
suffer for it and a separation may be far better. I've seen healthy separations
from the children's point of view. They just need to clearly understand the new
arrangement and how it will work from their point of view, and to feel that
they still have security and that there will always be someone there for them as
they grow up.
One of the
difficulties with marriage is the number of different functions it is expected
to perform. Marriage as source of personal emotional and sexual fulfilment isn't
the same as marriage as stable environment for loving and raising children. I
think the latter can be possible even if the former fades, providing the
husband and wife make it their priority. This would of course mean maintaining
mutual respect and willing cooperation.
Every family is
different. I know those who have divorced and regretted it, others who have no
doubts that becoming a single parent was the right route to take.
Very well said. The
stay together for the kids or to keep the family together line- sometimes seems
more about self deception, or possibly selfishly deflecting away from the
possibility of change. And as you say kids always know when their parents are
just existing with each other or are unhappy. Sadly, I suspect some kids whose
parents use them as a way to hide away from facing things as they are, will
grow up and be more vulnerable to putting up with problems instead of tackling
them as they arise.
If you ARE having kids
- have 'em when you're in your twenties - preferably early twenties. You'll
still be (to a 50 y.o.) young when they've left home, and you'll have the energy to deal with all
the challenges, and the flexibility to roll with the punches. And once you HAVE
kids - commit to it, read up on it, do everything you can to give those kids a
happy childhood: nothing is more important than that, even your own so-called
happiness. Any problems you have with your partner are just gonna have to wait
(beyond abuse, of course).
Stonewalling - my
experience is that this is usually caused by one person feeling that dialogue
does not work - not because they are afraid or don't want to hear what is being
said but because repeatedly their past dialogue and discussion is ignored or
not taken on board so they end up shutting up shop because there's clearly no
point continuing to communicate with someone who talks the talk but doesn't
walk the walk. They then get blamed for stonewalling when the issue is actually
more complex than it first seems.
What a vexed world we
live in ….
