Entry 18: December 29, 2011 - A Look Back

So.... we reach the end of the year and things are certainly better now than they were at the beginning.

We have just come back from a great (and expensive) holiday in sunny climes and she has received a very expensive handbag for Christmas .... from me.

As this blog is about minutae, let me describe a bit of a blow up on the day before we flew. I had ordered some DVDs from a couple of TV serials dating from the eighties and was watching them peacefully. She had no interest in them but kept asking how many episodes I had watched. In the end, I admit, I did lose patience and said that given she had no interest in them, really had no emotional connection with the series or the time or the place, please could she not feign interest and ask me annoying questions? This did no go down well and I was told that I was grumpy, she was only trying to be interested in what I was doing and so on.

I did berate myself for a while - just a couple of words, 'Episode 4', would have saved the subsequent strife!

This may also have been a reflection of a comment I had made the previous day. She told off our son quite strongly for not tidying up. While I did not say anything in front of him, I did suggest to her later that she should take some of her own advice before criticising our son!

Anyway, off we flew on holiday - a beautiful hotel and beautiful weather. I had decided to spend some money and buy a (stupidly) expensive (£600) handbag - and she was happy as a child to receive it. And all is well! She had also bought me sweater or two and some shirts - nothing I needed but, hey, I just went with the flow. So now I have resolved to be even more careful about my words while not being a vegetable either.

The irony, though, is that she is now doing what I would have suggested to her in the first place. She likes the handbag but, post-Christmas, there has been a marked reduction in price and so she has resolved to return it, get a refund, choose a smaller bag but buy a wallet too. But had I suggested that she wait for the sales and then choose something herself, I would have been accused of not being romantic, of not caring and so on.

I really do not know when she will grow up or how? Or when she will learn to manage time properly and get things done that need to be done. Do I have to continue to 'manage' her?

Entry 17: Time Management ... again

Come home and - apparently - she has been home all day. But the dining table - full of papers - has not been tidied, the guest room is full of drying clothes, food shopping was done after picking up from school and cooking for dinner has only just started.

What has she been doing all day? No doubt clothes folding will start at 10 pm.

I could do it but I will inevitably be told - as in the past - that my folding is inadequate.

I am a messy person myself but this is getting even beyond me.

Time management is the worst I have EVER seen.

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!

Entry 16: Wit's End

A minor thing and I have to get my frustration out.

Most of the day - a Saturday - I play with our son; homework, piano practice, lunch, model making etc.. Most of the day she fiddles around and does Facebook. But, then, 10:30 pm or so, she comes upstairs with a packing for a birthday present. No doubt she considers that she has been very busy and can ONLY do this so late but, in reality, that is not the case.

And, in a way, it doesn't matter as I do not want her to be a traditional housewife - even if my blog suggests otherwise. I want her to try and do different things, I am happy to help but what I detest is hypocrisy. The house is a mess but I am instructed rudely to clear the breakfast table; tidiness is not a strongpoint but our son is told off in no uncertain terms about his room. These double standards are what I cannot stand and just get on my nerves: do not lecture me when you are not a paragon yourself.

A couple of Mondays ago, she told me that she was going to go into the city to meet a friend and that I should be back by 6pm or so from work. No problem with that; I said I would cook my own dinner knowing that that is what I would have to do anyway.

But I get home to find that even our son's dinner is not ready, the dishes that were in the sink from the previous day are still there, photographs that ought to have been printed for school have not been, he hasn't had his evening shower and so on and so on. What had she been doing all day given that our son was at school?  I can make a guess.

I really am at my wit's end. I do not know how to improve things without being direct and I do not want to be direct. At least I am not now taking out on my son - just on this blog.

Entry 15: Where are the Adults ... and an untimely fart

Life continues to be quiet. The relationship is fine mostly but I can't help thinking that we are still on something of a knife-edge.

Friday evening and I was really tired. I had done my usual finishing up the son's meal, reading him a story and putting him to bed - followed by a late dinner. Work has been stressful of late as at my grade there is 50% redundancy round ongoing and I had my survival interview this week - but it's not just me I have to be concerned about and try to help, it is also my team.

So by 9:30 pm I was ready to turn in. 'Sleep on my side of the bed as I want to read.' (this is due to the fact that I bought a bedside lamp which she always criticises but it's been two years and more and she has not got around to buying one herself.) 'Ok.' And then she proceeded to fart. So I said - joke angrily - that I wished she hand't done that as I was about to sleep on that side; at which point she accused me of being grumpy.

I rang a friend of mine this evening and was told subsequently that my voice sounded cheery when speaking to someone else but not when at home.

I wanted to respond - but didn't - that it's all about returns to a large extent. This friend has always been kind and is always happy to talk: I give friendship and I receive value back. At home I always appear to give but get little back other than criticism and stubbornness. Just a neutral response would be fine - I don't need thanks.

Our house, overall, continues to be a mess. The marked wall in the dining room is still there, the lights have not been changed, we do not have a china cupboard or a bathroom closet and the rooms remain with their original decor - plus the bedside lamp has not been bought. I could fix all of those but it is her job to look after the house and - in any case - my taste will not be liked. She has tonnes of time to do Facebook, to watch BBC iPlayer and videos and go out with her friends and shopping but not to improve the environment we live in. I don't like it but am prepared to wait and will certainly not instruct.

Oi vey - why are there so few adults in this world?

Entry 14: Going well - keeping my head down

Back now since the end of August and things are going well.

We are back having sex again and the relationship is harmonious. The enforced break of the holidays seems to have done us some good. And why should things not be going well? I've booked a five star hotel in Venice  for the end of October, we've bought a new car, she has bought an Apple Mac and we have booked our Christmas holidays.

The procrastination and lack of time management goes on. I got home today at about 6:30 and the son was half-way through dinner. Our dinner hadn't even been started, clothes were still hanging out in the garden when it was dark. So I gave him some water to go with the meal, gave him a shower, read him a book and put him to bed. Then cleaned his shoes, cleared out our shower drain, took the dry clothes upstairs and dropped the rubbish in the bin. Dinner is now just about ready and it's 2030. Given that I am trying to lose weight and really do not eat very much during the day, I am starving and crotchety - but the frustration is coming out here rather than in a quarrel.

Entry 13: The Return

Wife and son are due to return this coming week-end. What will the atmosphere be like?

I've just booked an expensive hotel in Venice for a four-day break in late October - hopefully that will keep her quiet for a while. Spend money, be happy.

I was speaking on the phone to a friend of mine who has been with her husband for 10 years now. And she was saying that they go through ups and downs and that they row.

Perhaps we should row also but I would end up saying things that I do mean - as in these blogs - and that would not be good. She does spout nasty things when angry but I have to let them go for fear of opening up my full resentment.

This friend also spoke of her brother whose marriage, apparently, really is in trouble. But they continue because of two very young kids.

Increasingly - perhaps because my parents have a combined age of 160, perhaps because of the recent funeral - I feel myself getting morbid and thinking of / being fearful of death. It must be because we think of ourselves as immortal that we do the things we do - work too hard, fight, quarrel. Believing perhaps that once this bad thing is over, all will be well.

Will I be able to slow things down, take my time, enjoy what is out there without searching for it - breathe every moment and know its worth?

Entry 12: A Time for Review - 10 August 2011

Haven't posted in a while as there is little to say. School closed, we - all three - went to India and now I have come back; they return at the end of August ready for school.

Nothing really has changed in our relationship and we certainly haven't spoken of our issues. She signs herself ILU (I Love You) in her texts, before we went on holiday she appeared to be doing more around the house and there is some evidence of a reduction in cutting remarks. And, maybe, the fault lies more with me now and it is up to me to make an effort.

But, it is difficult. I was genuine for so many years and all I was met with was callousness. I am also writing 'ILU' in my texts but I don't really mean it. The camel's back is broken and I have no wish to enter into the maelstrom of being hurt again.

Anyway, that wasn't the review I was talking about when I opened this blog. Today I went to my former Headmaster's funeral. He was only 70 but had suffered a severe stroke in April which, I understand, had completely incapacitated him. Perhaps death was a release and though that sounds trite and self-serving, his wife and daughter appeared to be at peace with what had happened and could even smile. It was a pleasant service and there was one particularly beautiful passage:

'To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and to endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know that even one life has breathed easier because you lived; this is to have succeeded.' Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Clearly a more succint predecessor of:

Wear Sunscreen

Mary Schmich

Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.


And I suppose the 'review' really is that we are not here for long. And while, yes, it would be great to make up with my wife and get back to where we have been in snatches, they have always been patches on the edge of precipices. So maybe I should just 'endure the betrayal of false friends' and maybe I shouldn't 'put up with people who are reckless with your's'. Not putting up means not reacting as separation is not an option as I have a responsibility - and it would not have been an option even if there were no child in the equation.