132: Same old, same old

Today is a Monday.

Last week, for three days in a row, I came home to just a complete mess at home – stuff in the sink, clothes all over the place, cooking not done ….

And I don’t really mind – am not exactly hugely organised myself.

But the issue is that she leaves things till late and then is all stressed about working till late – in addition to lecturing others on being conscientious!!

Someone who does not work – as in a profession, to work till 10 pm is a travesty.

Last night, mainly because of her as, left to my own devices I would have gone to my room and bed, I sat down to watch some TV with her. 9 pm. She has to choose that precise time to do ironing and scan documents. Both could have been done earlier or later but this need to create drama and then resolve seems to be a habit.

131: Luxury Items (!!!!)

My wife bought some of these sticks that are dipped in perfume and spread a nice aroma around a house.

'This is our luxury item,' she pronounced!

I thought about: planning for a safari holiday, Cuba last year, multiple holidays, £50k on new bathrooms and kitchen, essentially very few worries on spending .....

This must have flicked across my face - she dragged it back, '... another luxury.'

130: Drone Man and Childishness

So, on my landmark birthday our flights to Spain get cancelled due to airport troubles with drones and we are unable to go. I can only imagine what the reaction might have been if it had been on her birthday! (but let me not guess – perhaps it would have been fine.) Not really bothered about going out but she insists that we go to a pub – she tries one that she really likes, fails and then goes for a second. All good.

Her birthday comes, it’s on a Sunday. ‘Shall we try a week-day lunch at a nice place?’ ‘No – we’ll take our son along.’ ‘Ok.’ ‘Shall I book the pub we couldn’t get on my birthday?’ ‘No – let’s go into the centre of town. Somewhere nice.’

Glad I asked about the pub rather than book it!! Would not have been ‘good enough’.

I read somewhere that after the age of 11 one really should not care about birthdays. But clearly not in this case!

After our tempestuous year in 2015, and shopping episode we take an equal amount from the joint account as the Christmas and birthday bonus. I go for Christmas shopping one day with her. The other day she says, ‘I think I will buy a watch for my birthday – I will take you with me.’

As I write these, they seem very little and, indeed, they are – but it is all about self-importance and making others dance to her tune.

The mood, overall, had been a little ‘off’ lately. I use a travelcard to go back and forth from work and this can be registered onto an online system where all movements can be tracked and, in case of loss, money protected. She had been nagging me for months to get it registered and I had always resisted – for no particular reason. Again, she went on at me until I gave in. 

She went online and did all the work. I stepped out of the room to get something and came back to find that she was trawling through my journeys from previous months – and it suddenly struck me that she possibly took my reluctance to register as a sign that I did not want her to see my journeys. Perhaps she was thinking that I was having this mythical affair and my travel history would give it away.

Mood has substantially improved – no such evidence as no such fact!!

129: Happy New Year .... and funny

Happy New Year in this year of 2019 - who knows what this will bring!!!

We were due to meet a cousin of my wife's who also happened to be a childhood friend of mine. This friend and I had fallen out because of a controversy surrounding my wife in which she had been the innocent party - the accusations made by her cousin/my friend totally unfounded. In 2000 I had defended my wife and would do so again and had lost the childhood friend, her siblings and the family as a consequence.

Anyway, there has been a little rapprochement and we were all due to meet. I deliberately wore an old sweater so I would not be accused of 'making an effort.'

My wife comes into the room and forces me to change the sweater and suggests I go to an analyst with the question, ' why do I have trouble spending money?'

Given that we have just spent some £50000 on updating the house, this seemed a bit rich to me! I did not say anything.

Perhaps because what I wear is not my priority, perhaps I don't like wasting money because I have to earn it, perhaps because my only recreation is not 'spending money'.

128: For the record - football and character

At some point in the future, when I am gone, perhaps my son will read this blog. And while I tell him all the time that he is my hero, my life, my magic and reason for living, I want to record something particular.

Today he was not feeling particularly well but, nevertheless, wanted to play and contribute to his football team. It was cold and rainy but I watched him and he played a manful game - full of effort and character. As did his team mates.

I was so impressed and told him so.

I had a pop out in the evening for a match of my own - currently he and I are without his mother who is away this month. When I came back, he was fast asleep in the TV room.

Pushed him into his own bed at 7:30 and he was out like a light.

But, during the day, he fought and he showed character and gave energy where there really wasn't much in the tank.

Impressive.

127: Daily Vicissitudes

Am having to work from home today and all I can hear is that incessant voice upstairs nagging away at our son to tidy his room.

It needs to be done but the management style is just so haranguing that his attitude is obviously resentful. He and I have cleared up before and it has been far less taxing.

This is holiday week for our son. As she will ‘looking after’ him in the week and he may have friends over or whatever, she will be busier than usual. So, I cooked on Sunday to last us for the following week. 

I come home from work on Wednesday – she has been out and about with our son and another family, eaten out for lunch on Tuesday and Wednesday, and yet the kitchen is a mess, the sink is full of breakfast stuff and then I am asked to do his cooking for the evening and our warming up. 

Today (Friday) I am at home as I had a hospital appointment, I come back and am told to do the lunch. I could say ‘no’ but just this taken-for-granted grates.

And when it comes to tidiness, as ever, clothes are all over the rooms and credit cards receipts – dating from six months ago – are strewn all over the dining table being ‘checked’, and they have been spread across for a week and a half now. What sort of role modelling behaviour is that? Does she not even notice the double standards?

Before leaving for the hospital I received these long instructions on where to park. I needed to buy some shoes and received sarcastic comments on where to buy – which ones were for old people and which ones young. Can she not just look after herself ... that would be a huge step forward.

Please, find someone else and leave us …

126: Ok but constant reminders

No big news to report.

Good summer with two holidays and peaceful at home.

During the week I am sleeping in another room in order to get a good night’s sleep – where there had been objection before from her, there now seems acceptance.

But a few small incidents which provide insight into character:

‘the credit card bill is small this month – just £1700.’ ‘Just?!!’, I exclaim. ‘Well, there are some exceptionals and so in reality about a 1000.’ Still no idea of what money really is!!

I brought our son home from his karate class and immediately she hauled him up on how he had been late in the morning, yada yada yada – and in that loud strident voice of her’s. He just nodded, raised his eyebrows at me and went off. The other day he asked her why she is always complaining? If not careful, that is the memory he will retain of his mother – always complaining.

This from the woman who does not go out to work, I collected him to save her time and cooking was not done until 8 and kitchen was a mess – which meant clearing up (that I was not allowed to do because she does believe that she needs to do this though I offer all the time) till 9:30 pm.

Monday evenings we try and watch a show together – starting at 9. She came up at 9:30, stared at her phone all the way through. How is all of that role modelling good behaviour?

Another day she said that it was my family that was always strident about a private school education. This from the woman who was determined that our son should change school and that, if he didn’t, how would I like it if he were surrounded by South Asians as they flooded the school he remains in.

And the comments continue about why I did not share a house when starting off my working life, why I stayed at home through university, why I have never worn jeans – just this constant drip, drip, drip of patronising advice.

I am just so tired of that strident voice and the hypocritical instructions.

We went to visit some friends last week. They are similar to us in terms of race, the wife was a university friend of mine and the husband and I both struggle. He and I had a good chat some years ago and had another one last week. He is seriously thinking about whether he can cope with her in the long term and they have a feisty relationship overall. But at least she works and he is away half the year for his work – so he ‘owes’ her a lot as she has brought up their son pretty much on her own. But her son is also considerably closer to him as she is also always nagging away.

We came to the conclusion that both our wives simply do not know how to be happy. Continuously, it is a hankering after something else instead of appreciating what we have. There was this article in the newspaper - https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/oct/09/age-envy-be-happy-everyone-else-perfect-social-media - about envy arising from other people’s seemingly perfect lives. My wife certainly browses Facebook a lot but hardly ever posts – that cannot be healthy.