101 - Peaceful but boundaries ...

Wow - this could be my story until recently - albeit a one-sided view and a perhaps an overstated first paragraph!


https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/oct/08/a-letter-to-my-wife-for-whom-i-no-longer-seem-to-exist


'At one stage, I was asked what I wanted most from you. I said I simply wanted kindness.' How resonant a sentence that is ...


Still good and we have been going to places together. Pleasant enough at home.


One thing I wanted to do was take some money from our joint account which is where my salary lands and distribute EQUAL amounts to a bank account for me and one for her; I had to open one especially as I did not have one.


I said that despite the more peaceful relationship, I would like to start this and then maintain - this I have done.


She has agreed that the new schools that she had envisaged for our son are not practical. Another parent told her that the commute was just too much - a point I had made repeatedly. But it took another to convince her. That's ok.


I have not approached her about how she spoke to my cousins behind my back or checked phones or threw away mementoes - letting those pass.


How do I feel? would be a question posed by my counsellor.


I am not sure I know.


I cannot say I love my wife - I have tried that, being vulnerable, and been kicked in the teeth and balls. On the couple of occasions we have tried, ejaculation has not happened - so, clearly, there is something psychological there. I do not believe that I will be able to trust any more - but, then, I never believed that we would get to this point?


So, it is wait and see.

100: Why the Turnaround?

A century of posts - something of a milestone, I guess ...


So, why this dramatic turnaround.


She, herself, called this a Buddha under the Bodhi tree moment - I had termed it a Damascene conversion.


There was an offer from our internet provider to create a little booklet of photographs. She asked me to make a little one up for our boy from his baby photographs - apparently he had been talking about this offer and looking at photographs from his childhood. She wanted me to make it a surprise.


So, I did and left it on his bed one morning. I saw him calmly put it on his mother's bedside table - she and I were still in separate rooms at the time. He did not appear excited.


I was going away for my annual golf week-end and asked my wife to try and find out if everything was ok.


I came back and she said all was good and that I would find out everything the following week-end - which happened to be Father's Day.


So, on the following Saturday, we have had our rapprochement and I am back in our room. Our son bounds onto the bed on the Sunday morning and he is clearly delighted with everything. He then hands me a little booklet - another one with photographs, addressed 'To Dad' and with pictures of him as a baby or him and me together.


Now, I had struggled to get him to sign a card for Mother's Day. Here he was taking the time to create a little book for me and getting his mum to order it for Father's Day.


In the evening he says to me, 'That book was my idea and there are no pictures of mum inside.'


'I know,' I reply. 'You are very brave and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.'


Was it that one moment which lit a light bulb? Did she see that she might lose her child as well as her husband?


The truth is, I don't know. Perhaps this was it, perhaps this was a trigger and a whole host of other assumptions and accusations came tumbling down. Again I do not know.


The point is, we now have a peaceful relationship, she and he are better and he can see that she and I are better.


How long will it last?

99 – A Dramatic Turnaround

It is now September but let’s go back to the beginning of June. Things have been civil, I am doing my own food, washing etc. and sleeping in another room.

I go away for a week-end of golf with my friends – our 18^th year!!

I receive a text on the Sunday that she will pick me up from the station on my return. I ask her not to bother – she insists and so I say ‘ok’.

Very pleasant.

Another week passes – nothing dramatic.

Coming up to Father’s Day and I am taking our son and two of his mates to a gorilla sanctuary where we will be given a behind-the-scenes tour thanks to one of my friends.

On the Saturday night she comes into my room and says, ‘Look, I’ve been thinking hard. And I have come to the conclusion that all of it is my fault. I have been pushing you and pushing you and I have not been reasonable.

‘I know it will not be easy to forgive and forget but come back to the room, eat with us and try.’

She repeats all of this the next evening. As you may imagine, this is late at night, I am working, and I am shocked. All I can say is ‘thank you’ and ‘I need to think about it.’ Even the next day, having had to go into work early, feeling that I need to acknowledge the issue in some way, all I can write is, ‘Dear M, thank you for what you said yesterday evening. It was a bit of a shock and, clearly, we do need to speak about it. But, can you give me some time? I am also undertaking counselling at the moment – on a 1:1 – and need to think this through.’

Her response:

‘Sorry for shocking you last night.  Honestly I meant every word I said and I have thought it through.  I understand you will need the time so there is no hurry...’

Me: ‘shocking’ in a good way …!

Her: ha ha..  take your time..  I will be there..

The pleasantness has continued. She spoke to one of her friend’s mum who is an amateur astrologer and told me that she had said that her ‘best connection’ was with me. She is far better behaved with our son, everything pleasant at home for the moment. She applied for a couple of jobs but has not yet been successful; she is, though, starting a volunteering role.

Have I gone back to her and told her what I am thinking?

I am sorry to say, I have not. Perhaps that is because I am still confused. Perhaps it is because I do not want to take a position and be too ‘clean’ in responding.

We have tried to get back to ‘normal.’ Planning holidays together. Even tried to make love but, how can I put it, despite trying, I have not reached climax. Is there still a hang-up there?

I think I know how I feel but that is for another post.

Some sort of stasis – how long?

98 - Songs and Other Entries

Haven’t written in a while and there is a reason for this – which is in the next post.

But our story is clearly not an uncommon one. As we were in the midst of our terrible times, this song - Love Yourself – by Justin Bieber kept coming on the radio. Never thought I would be a Belieber!!

Lately, this song by Drake - Too Good for You

Is my wife in this place? Taking me for granted

And do I feel like this? Sharing the Load

97: Counselling Sessions - 2

I was advising a good friend of mine to try for some counselling sessions as mine have been helping me.


As I wrote earlier - http://dear-confidant.blogspot.co.uk/2016/05/94-counselling-sessions.html - there has been nothing revelatory. I think about things and work my way through issues and have had an answer for most questions posed.


But, the other day, one bit hit me - a little self-glorifying though it will sound.


We were  talking about the circles radiating out from 'the Self' and who I rely on. Mainly that is me. But I mentioned that, in my perception, it is amongst my closest friends that I feel liked and loved simply for being 'me.' Everywhere else, it can feel as if my value is tied to what I do and provide.


And then she said, 'But what about you? Do you like yourself simply for being 'you'? Or do you feel you have do things to be seen positively in your eyes? Score runs when playing cricket, deliver better than others at work ... can you give yourself a break?'


Can I? Should I?

96: Champagne and Handshakes

Had a very nice evening out last week with a good friend S. – a male, a male, not a female!!!

Dinner mainly consisted of a succession of glasses of champagne. Lovely.

He divorced from his first wife a few years ago and there were startling parallels. She came from a ‘grand family’, she got a good degree from a well known university, then an MBA from an international university. They spent a few years internationally and when they came back to the UK expected to walk into a senior role – which she did not.

Anyway, he did some counselling which he found helpful. In fact they did joint counselling and the counsellor came to the conclusion that the gap was too great. One of the first steps they took was to live in separate rooms. Which is where we are now.

They did not have children and so, could separate easily. The reason I cannot is of course my greatest blessing – our son.

‘It does get better,’ S. asserted. ‘And, if you ever want to talk, I’m here …’

London – where we live – has a new Mayor. He was supposed to visit our organisation last week and I was in the delegation to meet him and shake his hand.

Other friends joked about it and said, ‘wow!’

She asked a series of questions: how many people are meeting him? Are you just in a long line? Bit like the Queen? Not exactly useful …

Of course it would be ‘just a handshake’ but good to be nominated as one of 20 out of 2000 and, at the least, why be negative about it?

95 - Funny (but sad) Little Reminders and Incidents

This will be really petty but things have been a little heavy of late.

Preparing some bagel with cream cheese and salmon for our son. ‘Mama makes it better than you,’ says our son. ‘Fair enough,’ I respond,’but mama is busy, so why don’t you help me to get it right?’ And I made no more of it.

A little while later, She decides to make a point of this.

‘So, I make bagel and salmon better than your dad?’ she asks, looking triumphantly at me. ‘Yes,’ he responds, ‘but (without any prompting from me by way of words or looks), dad makes better bacon sandwiches, Bolognese, chicken …’

I do not respond or react but his response was interesting in that he appeared to be defending me.

She and our son have this very frequent homework drama. She is busy doing something else when he is doing his homework, doesn’t really help him, then corrects late in the evening and ritual drama ensues around, ‘you must take more care, look how long I am having to work because of you etc.’

I would probably let him make his careless mistakes so his teacher could correct them and he would soon learn; now, he knows his mum will correct him. Or, as I usually do when I sit down with him, correct as we go along as I am focusing on him and his work.

So, anyway, he and I work through a work-sheet on Sunday morning and she sits down to correct on Sunday evening. She does notice one mistake I had missed but there are several others in another sheet.

‘Look, I thought you and baba had corrected these sheets but I am finding lots of mistakes. And my show is starting on TV. If I had known you had not, I would have done this earlier.’ (No, she would not have – history attests to that!)

My son and I are both compelled to point out that the sheet with several mistakes was completed under her supervision. There is a half-hearted attempt at laying the blame with, ‘I thought you would check it.’ But she does not pursue that, knowing she was in the wrong.

This continuous need to be correct, better than another rather than oneself, to search for blame … how is that the natural state?