No, nothing has changed but thought I would write something more pleasant for a change.
The holidays has meant that I am mostly spending morning, noon and night with my son. He is now 9 and growing up to be a fine, young man. We have a lot of fun together, we play together and work together. He laughs at subtleties, his smile I can imagine on his adult face and I see a gentle, caring man.
I often re-read Garrison Keillor in 'We are Still Married'. In one story he dreams of his grandchildren. 'I imagined them strong and free, curious, sensual, indelibly cheerful and affectionate, open-handed - sympathetic to pain and misery and quick in charity, proud when insulted and modest if praised, fiercely loyal to friends. When you look at the stars, you don't think small. You don't hope your descendants will enjoy your mutual-fund portfolio, you imagine them as giants on earth.'
My one ambition is to give my son that little thing called 'confidence.'
And to protect him from anyone that threatens the good man he promises to become.
Saturday 3 January 2015
Sunday 28 December 2014
48: Sunday - shopping
So, the no-Christmas-present-crisis continues and so off we slop to Oxford Street - shoes and leather jacket the targets.
Have to be careful which shops to suggest - Debenhams, House of Fraser, Zara all too cheap.
John Lewis first. Only three walls with no 'sale' signs - clearly, we have to buy full price. Even though in previous years she has taken back to the shops the handbags I have bought her and made use of the reductions to buy more for less. Perfectly sensible in my book but clearly wrong if not her idea.
No shoes appropriate at JL and no leather jacket either.
Massimo Dutti for the jacket - reassuringly expensive. But even XL does not fit and she pulls a face as if it is my fault. Ironic that she constantly gets at me for having been fat when I was 5 through to about 12 but I have controlled things since then through sport. She was thin when young and somehow sees that as her achievement rather than her genes!
So Russel and Bromley - the branch that has no sale. £300 later, we have a boot. Same story with the jacket at Selfridges but at least we have a boot.
I do not get the logic of it all and I can only analyse through logic. Analysing through emotion would just be too difficult.
Instead of buying something that she did not want, I offer her the opportunity to choose what she wants herself - boots and clothes are very personal. This has created a crisis. I should have bought something - anything - so long as it was expensive and then she would have exchanged it - that would have been fine.
And the reason there is no point in analysing emotion is that I have tried to please her and support her for 15 years now. Her frequent unhappiness has affected me. I don't like it, I want to make it better, I take it as my fault. I seize on the moments of fun and forget what has gone before. But is it time to do what I have said often to myself that I should do? Cut off mentally?
What I suppose has prevented me is the thought that we will be married a long time and it is depressing to be feel myself be cold for that period - and if I am cold here, will I change elsewhere too? Can I be two-faced like her?
But if, for my sanity, and to protect our son, that is what I have to do? That is what I have to do.
Have to be careful which shops to suggest - Debenhams, House of Fraser, Zara all too cheap.
John Lewis first. Only three walls with no 'sale' signs - clearly, we have to buy full price. Even though in previous years she has taken back to the shops the handbags I have bought her and made use of the reductions to buy more for less. Perfectly sensible in my book but clearly wrong if not her idea.
No shoes appropriate at JL and no leather jacket either.
Massimo Dutti for the jacket - reassuringly expensive. But even XL does not fit and she pulls a face as if it is my fault. Ironic that she constantly gets at me for having been fat when I was 5 through to about 12 but I have controlled things since then through sport. She was thin when young and somehow sees that as her achievement rather than her genes!
So Russel and Bromley - the branch that has no sale. £300 later, we have a boot. Same story with the jacket at Selfridges but at least we have a boot.
I do not get the logic of it all and I can only analyse through logic. Analysing through emotion would just be too difficult.
Instead of buying something that she did not want, I offer her the opportunity to choose what she wants herself - boots and clothes are very personal. This has created a crisis. I should have bought something - anything - so long as it was expensive and then she would have exchanged it - that would have been fine.
And the reason there is no point in analysing emotion is that I have tried to please her and support her for 15 years now. Her frequent unhappiness has affected me. I don't like it, I want to make it better, I take it as my fault. I seize on the moments of fun and forget what has gone before. But is it time to do what I have said often to myself that I should do? Cut off mentally?
What I suppose has prevented me is the thought that we will be married a long time and it is depressing to be feel myself be cold for that period - and if I am cold here, will I change elsewhere too? Can I be two-faced like her?
But if, for my sanity, and to protect our son, that is what I have to do? That is what I have to do.
Saturday 27 December 2014
47: A Typical Saturday
She sleeps in till 10.
I wake up with our son, spend some time with him, give him breakfast. I always create the New Year's card and so I do that. Go to the shops, cook lunch. Spend more time in the afternoon with him, get him showered and practice piano, do a couple of hours of ironing, prepare dinner. By this time she has done little else other than read a newspaper, berated him for lack of tidiness - when clothes and mess abound - and spent time on Facebook - doesn't even shower till just before dinner.
And it is not as if this is exceptional - as I have noted before, this is often the case. And I don't mind at all. What I do mind is that still I feel that I can do no right.
I started a new assignment recently at work. The boss turned out to be an absolute bully and I have decided to walk away and the reason is very clear - it is his behaviour. That may sound precious but at least a dozen people have come over to sympathise and two of his senior leadership team have come around - one to thank me for being so 'brave' and another to say that he feels like a minion. As at home, I was afraid of what I would do wrong rather than have the environment in which to feel confident that I could shine.
But what I can do at work I cannot do at home. There is no possibility of walking away - only of surviving and protecting myself and our son.
I wake up with our son, spend some time with him, give him breakfast. I always create the New Year's card and so I do that. Go to the shops, cook lunch. Spend more time in the afternoon with him, get him showered and practice piano, do a couple of hours of ironing, prepare dinner. By this time she has done little else other than read a newspaper, berated him for lack of tidiness - when clothes and mess abound - and spent time on Facebook - doesn't even shower till just before dinner.
And it is not as if this is exceptional - as I have noted before, this is often the case. And I don't mind at all. What I do mind is that still I feel that I can do no right.
I started a new assignment recently at work. The boss turned out to be an absolute bully and I have decided to walk away and the reason is very clear - it is his behaviour. That may sound precious but at least a dozen people have come over to sympathise and two of his senior leadership team have come around - one to thank me for being so 'brave' and another to say that he feels like a minion. As at home, I was afraid of what I would do wrong rather than have the environment in which to feel confident that I could shine.
But what I can do at work I cannot do at home. There is no possibility of walking away - only of surviving and protecting myself and our son.
46: A Common Story
I never doubted that mine was a common story but there was an article in a newspaper today which sounded eerily familiar:
http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/dec/26/im-being-emotionally-abused-by-my-husband
But the gender is reversed.
Yes, indeed, She is very much regarded as charming and efficient and helpful in the outside world. One kid at our son's school said, 'X's mum is always smiling - even when no one is looking.' Trust me - that is not the mum and wife we see at home.
I wonder how a psychology works that nothing is too much trouble for others, ironing may never be done at home but is taken to the in-laws, the son and I are continually told to clear up and tidy up when the house remains a mess for the areas down to her - another suitcase has still not been unpacked from almost eight weeks ago.
Perhaps I should write to the columnist and suggest that it is not always just the husband who creates the stress and any help for the husband/partner would be very much appreciated!
http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/dec/26/im-being-emotionally-abused-by-my-husband
But the gender is reversed.
Yes, indeed, She is very much regarded as charming and efficient and helpful in the outside world. One kid at our son's school said, 'X's mum is always smiling - even when no one is looking.' Trust me - that is not the mum and wife we see at home.
I wonder how a psychology works that nothing is too much trouble for others, ironing may never be done at home but is taken to the in-laws, the son and I are continually told to clear up and tidy up when the house remains a mess for the areas down to her - another suitcase has still not been unpacked from almost eight weeks ago.
Perhaps I should write to the columnist and suggest that it is not always just the husband who creates the stress and any help for the husband/partner would be very much appreciated!
Friday 26 December 2014
45: How (not) to be an adult - in trouble again - Dec 14
So, here we go again.
It's Christmas. As money spent is what matters, I usually buy an expensive handbag. She then goes and exchanges it in the New Year when the sales are on. No problem on my side with that.
This year she specifically says that she has too many handbags and will go for a coat and boots instead. As they have to be expensive, I figure that choosing with her would be the sensible thing. Because of work and school, we don't get to the shops till Christmas Eve.
I suggest a couple of shops - 'I'm not going there for a Christmas present - I go there all the time.' ;-)
So we walk around a number of shops, she can't choose anything and now we are in crisis because Santa Claus has not delivered anything in time.
In the meantime, she has spent a couple of hundred pounds of our money on clothes for me for Christmas and my birthday - clothes that I do not like and it is a ridiculous amount of money to spend at a time when we have to be careful with money. And if presents are supposed to be for the receiver more than the giver, she knows I would prefer golf lessons or cable TV subscription rather than clothes - but, as ever, it is about her, her, her.
Just a few days ago I was hearing lots of 'I love yous' - is a material gift really the determinant?
The amount of support I give her, the amount of work I do at home, counts for nothing?!
Four foreign trips, Tiffany's diamond ring, Michael Kors handbag - count for nothing?
New house, bigger kitchen, tons of money spent to make it like she wants - counts for nothing?
This is a person incapable of being happy.
To cap it all, out mobile provider offered a couple of free cinema tickets. Initially our son said, yes, he would like to go. But Santa Claus delivered a couple of DVDs he really wanted to watch asap and so he said he would prefer to stay at home and watch that instead.
She says that he HAS to go and use the tickets and if he did not then he would not be allowed to watch the film that that we had targeted at the cinema ever again.
Sometimes I wonder who is the 42 year old and who is the 9 year old in our house.
It's Christmas. As money spent is what matters, I usually buy an expensive handbag. She then goes and exchanges it in the New Year when the sales are on. No problem on my side with that.
This year she specifically says that she has too many handbags and will go for a coat and boots instead. As they have to be expensive, I figure that choosing with her would be the sensible thing. Because of work and school, we don't get to the shops till Christmas Eve.
I suggest a couple of shops - 'I'm not going there for a Christmas present - I go there all the time.' ;-)
So we walk around a number of shops, she can't choose anything and now we are in crisis because Santa Claus has not delivered anything in time.
In the meantime, she has spent a couple of hundred pounds of our money on clothes for me for Christmas and my birthday - clothes that I do not like and it is a ridiculous amount of money to spend at a time when we have to be careful with money. And if presents are supposed to be for the receiver more than the giver, she knows I would prefer golf lessons or cable TV subscription rather than clothes - but, as ever, it is about her, her, her.
Just a few days ago I was hearing lots of 'I love yous' - is a material gift really the determinant?
The amount of support I give her, the amount of work I do at home, counts for nothing?!
Four foreign trips, Tiffany's diamond ring, Michael Kors handbag - count for nothing?
New house, bigger kitchen, tons of money spent to make it like she wants - counts for nothing?
This is a person incapable of being happy.
To cap it all, out mobile provider offered a couple of free cinema tickets. Initially our son said, yes, he would like to go. But Santa Claus delivered a couple of DVDs he really wanted to watch asap and so he said he would prefer to stay at home and watch that instead.
She says that he HAS to go and use the tickets and if he did not then he would not be allowed to watch the film that that we had targeted at the cinema ever again.
Sometimes I wonder who is the 42 year old and who is the 9 year old in our house.
44: Happy Birthday to me - Dec '14
So, it was my birthday. A Saturday.
I am informed that we can go to one of three restaurants - our son wants McDonalds but that is out of the question of course. I suggest a couple of good ones but only her choices will do. I pick one and say that we could go there for her upcoming birthday - 'no, it's too cheap.' But I pick one of her choices for a quiet life.
Come home after lunch and she goes to bed. I look after our son, prepare his dinner etc etc.. No problem of course given this is a week-end and I don't mind as it is just another day to me; how I am treated on a special day is immaterial given how I am treated like dirt the rest of the time.
Sunday I don't go to the gym: I know she will be late up as the afternoon siesta has meant that she has gone to bed very late. Usual day, usual work - great birthday week-end.
I am informed that we can go to one of three restaurants - our son wants McDonalds but that is out of the question of course. I suggest a couple of good ones but only her choices will do. I pick one and say that we could go there for her upcoming birthday - 'no, it's too cheap.' But I pick one of her choices for a quiet life.
Come home after lunch and she goes to bed. I look after our son, prepare his dinner etc etc.. No problem of course given this is a week-end and I don't mind as it is just another day to me; how I am treated on a special day is immaterial given how I am treated like dirt the rest of the time.
Sunday I don't go to the gym: I know she will be late up as the afternoon siesta has meant that she has gone to bed very late. Usual day, usual work - great birthday week-end.
Sunday 30 November 2014
43: Seeing shadows - or are we on the edge
Things have been going fine since our return from an holiday abroad. Expensive handbag, diamond ring from a well known shop, workmen in the house - all good. Thank God the house choice was her's or there would be so much and so many 'I told you so's.'
It's been mostly fun at home - a refreshing change. Usual commands and instructions barked but I say nothing about the bags that remain unpacked after four weeks - or, indeed, anything else.
But.....
She goes out for a girls' night on Friday evening. Comes back at 1:30 in the morning. Obviously nothing wrong with that but I only know the time because she stomps about in her boots for ten minutes on our wooden floors. I do mention it the next morning - but only in humour.
Saturday, I do the soccer run while she lies in. No problem.
This morning, I make time to go to the gym at 9 but am back by 11 am. Have set up the son with biscuits and milk expecting her to make breakfast. Nothing done by the time I return - has probably woken late.
Make brunch for us all, do three hours of ironing which has piled up.
She puts some clothes in the wash and brings our son to tears over some simple spelling homework.
I play soccer with him for an hour, she finally showers and goes to the shops.
I prepare dinner for our son, supervise his piano. She prepares our dinner to be fair.
I watch a particular TV show at 9 pm but as I am taking our son up to bed for a little reading, a quick hug and sleep, she says I have to clean the oven. Now.
It's been mostly fun at home - a refreshing change. Usual commands and instructions barked but I say nothing about the bags that remain unpacked after four weeks - or, indeed, anything else.
But.....
She goes out for a girls' night on Friday evening. Comes back at 1:30 in the morning. Obviously nothing wrong with that but I only know the time because she stomps about in her boots for ten minutes on our wooden floors. I do mention it the next morning - but only in humour.
Saturday, I do the soccer run while she lies in. No problem.
This morning, I make time to go to the gym at 9 but am back by 11 am. Have set up the son with biscuits and milk expecting her to make breakfast. Nothing done by the time I return - has probably woken late.
Make brunch for us all, do three hours of ironing which has piled up.
She puts some clothes in the wash and brings our son to tears over some simple spelling homework.
I play soccer with him for an hour, she finally showers and goes to the shops.
I prepare dinner for our son, supervise his piano. She prepares our dinner to be fair.
I watch a particular TV show at 9 pm but as I am taking our son up to bed for a little reading, a quick hug and sleep, she says I have to clean the oven. Now.
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