83 - The End of Stasis ... I give her an 'out' but make a discovery

So .. this is the week-end after Now Let's See - the weekend of Mothering Sunday 6 March 2016.


Yes, things have been going well and peaceably but we are still separate. Yes, we went out to a restaurant last week - just the two of us. But I am still doing my own cleaning, cooking, ironing etc.


Our son participates in Scouts and had to go to a Church service. We came back and she was incandescent with rage. She had expected that I would have booked a restaurant for Mothering Sunday. I did get a card which our son signed and I suppose I could have booked somewhere. But would that not have been hypocritical in our current condition?


As a self-confident woman, could she not have said, 'Mothering Sunday, we are going out.' I would have had no objection.


And, if it comes to appreciation, I can't ever remember doing anything for Father's Day - or receiving a phone call if I was away. And, I don't need it. I do not need a restaurant to know that my son appreciates me.


But, then, embarrassingly, I get myself into a trouble.


I have been away recently. I have also been working out over a considerable time and my body shape is far better that it has probably ever been. Anyway, I take a mirror selfie of myself after having had a shower - not wearing anything. I delete it immediately but, back home, I leave my phone lying around.  She goes into Photos, presumably to check out whether I had any with other women, goes into Deleted Photos - a folder I did not even know existed - and finds it.


The rage, then, is all about how she is living with a pervert. The real anger, though, is about the lack of going out because she discovered the photo on the Saturday and said nothing. This is Sunday. And she had said to our son, 'You should have arranged something - I will not buy you pizza on Wednesday.'


(I now realise how she found the Christmas lunch photo that led to the call for the divorce 69 - Things Have Reached a Head - am broken. I was convinced I had deleted it and now I know I must have - I had left the phone at home and she must have gone in and to the Deleted Photos folder.)


I appreciate that I should not have taken the photo. It was a moment of vanity, idiocy and I immediately deleted it. But, it was a private moment, just me, and I got rid of it - or so I thought.


Stalking phones, receipts, bills, continually wanting things, violent jealousy of others, obsessive need for control, behaving like an angel outside the house and an harridan inside. Pervert is added to the list of impotent, shameful, useless, callous, uncaring, incompetent, weird ... and much more.


I am actually writing this the w/e of 12 March and things have again calmed down. She even  mentioned going to someone's 40th in May.


What do I do? Do I persuade her to come out to family and friends and say we are separated? Our son is away skiing for a week in a week's time - do I broach it then?

82 - A Sort of Stasis

(originally written end-January 2016)

Separate rooms continue and my independent cooking, washing and ironing continue. No fights. No harsh words for a few weeks now. Even though we have a cleaner and I’m looking after myself, ‘housework is too much’; I still clean the toilets and bathrooms every week-end.

We are even having some conversations now and again but, really, I am beginning to lack the energy for them as well. Our son has done a great piece of art-work – he and I did this together. We wanted him to take it to school.

‘No,’ he said. But she insisted. He dug in more. But then offered a compromise. ‘You could send a photograph to the teacher.’ ‘No, I won’t do that. I think you should take it in. You might get a star from the teacher. Don’t come complaining to me later to tell me that someone else has received a star for something less impressive.’ This to and fro went on for a while.

All very stressful and high pitched and so I suggested that I would send in a photograph and if the teacher wanted our son to take it in, would he agree. ‘Yes,’ he said.

And then the conversation went really weird.

She came into my room later in the evening and said, ‘I wanted him to take it in, so he would get the credit. This is a lesson in life as well. I’ve been hearing about your mother’s First Class degree in Philosophy for 16 years. My mother stood first in her whole region / district and she studied Maths – a real subject. But she doesn’t go on about that. Modesty gets you nowhere.’

How did a child’s piece of extra-curricular craft work get to our mothers’ qualifications? I have never said anything about my mother’s academic achievements. She is what she is, I am what I am. What my parents may have achieved or not has absolutely nothing to do with me. They gave me a great start in life – as all parents try to do.

You may say I am over-reacting. ‘I only knew one CEO and now he’s been fired,’ I say one evening. ‘How old is he?’ ‘Nearing 60 I think.’ ‘What will he do?’ ‘I don’t know but I am sure he’ll cope – not as if he needs the money.’

‘Yes, but what about a standard of living? The prestige, the people he associated with. Just look at you, working where you are (a public sector, domestic organisation); the people have hardly been anywhere. The ones who came to our house last year – I have nothing to talk to them about. Previously, (a multi-national), you were with the right people, travelling, nice hotels. I am sure he wants to remain at that level.’

All consistent with: choosing a gym based on social class, judging teachers by what clothes they wear and which school they went to … and all, mind you, based on no contribution of her own but the accident of birth and marriage.

81 - The Glimpses that mean a Lot

(Entry originally written by hand on 7th January 2016)


So, it’s been a pretty peaceful Christmas and New Year break and I’m going back to work tomorrow. No rows, separate rooms, doing my own cooking, washing etc.. Yesterday was her birthday but today was our son’s return to school. So, some months ago, before the latest episodes, I had booked a fancy restaurant in the middle of London for lunch. I said I was ok to go, she said she was fine with that too.

But we also went out for a birthday day day dinner at a local restaurant. At the restaurant she wanted to take a selfie with her and our son. Like most 10 year olds, he was unwilling. ‘You have to do what I want.’ ‘No more iPad or phone for a week if you don’t.’ And all in a harsh and not joking voice. Who is 43, who  is 10? (He finally agreed but only if I took the picture.)

She wants to join a running club. ‘I think I will like this club because it is women from the good neighbourhood. I can hardly be expected to go to a sports centre where the women would not be middle class like me.’

One teacher at school often wears joggers or shorts – she is also the netball coach. ‘You can tell Mrs T. went to a private school; always impeccably turned out, designer handbags. Mrs P. must be from a state school. You can always tell.’

Chat about the mother of a new kid who has joined the school. ‘Her son was going to a state school – albeit in a good neighbourhood. But, even then, all state school kids have a chip on their shoulders.’

At the restaurant, I guess I had booked the brasserie as the menu was more varied. Having arrived, she insisted on going to the restaurant area as it would be more exclusive.

If it weren’t so serious, it would be laughable.

80 - Now Let's See

So, the week-end just gone.


Neither she nor our son is very well.


Wake up Saturday morning, get breakfast together, take him to his violin lesson. Do the shopping for lunch and dinner, pick him up, get his hair cut.


Do lunch, spend the afternoon with homework and then dinner.


Sunday. Clean toilets and bathrooms - as usual - but she has made a miraculous recovery and wishes to drop our son off at a birthday party at a mall.


Relationship friendly and so I am asked whether I want to go as well - I say 'yes'.


We drop him off, have a very nice lunch at a restaurant, pick him up, come back home.


She is ill again.


More homework and dinner.


Next morning she is ok again - though I accompany them to school so I drive.


Will I get a 'thank you' at any stage? Don't want one, don't need one - but where is this great 'appreciation' that I so sorely lack?


Mother's Day next week. I will get a card but nothing more. Will she expect more?


Situation stable. Even pleasant. How long will this last.

79 - The Arrogance Never Ends

We are invited out to dinner by a couple we met some few months ago.






The lady appears to be a housewife - though it turns out she runs some sort of business. For some reason, she attracts M.'s ire. 'Not someone I will go out with.' 'Probably cooks a lot.' Making fun of house-wifeiness.






M.'s brother and sister-in-law have just had a baby.






'They will take a name from the grandparents,' she says. 'My parents are far more likely, of course, to choose an appropriate name.'






'Why?' I ask






'Well, because ...' and even she probably feels embarrassed at finishing the sentence.






Her sister-in-law's parents do not - I believe - come from an 'old family' with illustrious relations.




However, they are lovely people who have brought up a lovely daughter. Are they incapable of being intelligent enough to think up a good name?!






You can be proud of your family's achievements but they are not your achievements. So, why this arrogance?

78 - Even Now

Separate rooms, my own cooking and washing.

But interacting and talking and she has accepted my taking her out to an expensive restaurant for her birthday - a booking I had made some months ago.

So, this evening, 'we have to clean out the loft.' 'No rush is there?' 'Should do it now and not leave it.' (this from a woman who leaves clothes lying around for weeks and months, didn't tidy up the guest room, and forbade me from doing so, for four months,  and much more!) I say nothing.

'When we get some money together, we have to refresh the house or it'll turn into your parents' place.'

Previously I might have been supine and not said anything. 'Only last year  we poured £30k into this house!' I respond.

'And what about the kitchen? No one has a tired kitchen like our's. When we do it we will have to modernise and extend as well. And we won't be buying stuff from IKEA right? There you go.'

In none of that spiel does, 'And I'll support by bringing in cash..' come in.

I figured I was marrying a modern woman. Turns out she wants all the trappings of that and not be a 'traditional housewife', but does not care to do the work to get there. Clearly she is built to be the wife of an investment banker or a CEO or World Bank/UN high pajandrum whose work would be to spread largesse, be feted and be on committees. Oops!

I have never wanted a 'traditional housewife' either and have been happy to support her in every sense but I have drawn the line at being insulted on top.

'In their 30s,' she continues,'when people struggle for deposits, thanks to Company A, we did not struggle. Now we are having to.'

So, when we did not struggle, it's down to the company. Now that we are a little stretched - of our own volition as we had paid off the mortgage on the old house - the fault is mine. We have never had to budget, we have lived as expats .... all that 'just happens' I guess.

Sorry to be such a failure.

77 - What it is to succeed?

When my ten year old son hugs me tight-as-can-be and say, 'you are my dad, no one else's dad,' then I know that I have - for the moment - succeeded.

Through being fortunate I have been able to 'be there' for my child and I am hopeful that he will have some fond memories of his dad.

I know I am over-dramatising but I will take the barbs, the insults and the pointed comments because she cannot take away from me what I have with my boy.