202: Happy New Year

 I loved a line in an article I read recently: 

'don’t kid yourself that people change. They just become more exaggerated versions of themselves, one way or another. Accepting this saves a lot of time'

If that is not a message from above, then I do not know what is!!!

Right now, She is on holiday in Rome with a friend - each leaving behind a (very happy) husband and son enjoying some peace and quiet!!

When she is away or in the middle of the night when all is quiet, I almost feel affection. She has so many good qualities but I am finding myself now getting irritated even at little things.

She was telling me about an article she had read about someone who had turned up at her aunt's Christmas lunch an hour late and realised that the world did not revolve around her. And, yet, there is still a quiet pride that her own family would routinely arrive at lunches and parties some hour and a half or more late. And there is often teasing about my own family's stress on punctuality. And, of course, she herself is not the best at timekeeping unless it is in her interest specifically.

Another Christmas has been navigated I think re: presents. After several blowouts over the years, I had suggested £600 each would be transferred from our joint account to our respective individual accounts -   Confidant: 108: Good Christmas and New Year but ... (dear-confidant.blogspot.com) - though this does not solve issues and it is always a tight rope  Confidant: 106 - Glimpses (dear-confidant.blogspot.com).

This year I suggested an evening where we could go to Central London after work, I knew what she wanted - a Dyson hair dryer - and, on my own, would have gone and got it. But, no, I have to traipse after her as she goes in and out of shops (buying nothing) and making sarky comments like, 'I need some new trainers, you bought me some for our anniversary two years ago but did not this time.' Eh, what? She needs me to buy her stuff??

Some friends came to stay recently. E. has told her partner that she wants a Dyson hair dryer for Christmas. Some women colleagues have stated clearly what they want to their respective partners. Another said that she and her husband buy stuff as they need through the year but do not give each other anything for Christmas. All very grown up - but going back to the first sentence, this is not going to change, is it?!

(and, for sure, conversely I will probably become more mean and miserly and boring - better for all concerned to be apart, non?)

Anyway, I went to the shops again and got her some expensive perfume - all seems to be well. 

Her birthday coming up - I do not intend on getting anything other than an expensive dinner. Let's see.

Happy New Year.

201: A Last set of family Christmas cards?

 In this house, I do the Christmas cards. 

I sit down with my little address book and pen a little note in each one - some people I will have met in the year, mostly, not. 

This has been something of a nostalgia year as I have gone back to school for a reunion and met 'kids' I had not seen in 38 years; returned to where I worked for many years and saw colleagues for the first time in decades. Nevertheless, it is a nice ritual and helps me to keep in touch.

Except one year - perhaps 2015 - close to the most traumatic year of my married life - Confidant: 61: Huge row - getting worse (dear-confidant.blogspot.com).

'You will not send Christmas cards this year - we will not play happy families.' Fair enough - and I did not.

I remain of the notion that for my survival, I / we have to separate. 

I have remained in the home because I could not face living away from our son - that would have been a wrench I could not cope with; I have stayed because of me and not, in any way, 'sacrificed' because of him. 

There are also more prosaic reasons to do with not having the material wealth to maintain a big house, a wife not working (for most of these years) and private education of £20k a year!

I look back to an old entry of some years ago - am still here and it has not been terrible. Confidant: 150: Irritations and the Future (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

So, come September 2024, will I have the courage to leave? To take the cruel step? 

She is working now and enjoying her time. Hopefully she will have a life of her own at least and something to expand into - she will be only 51.

Ideally, perhaps, she will want to leave me! When I eventually bring up the subject, perhaps she will have been expecting it. I don't know.

But every period has a series of 'lasts'. My son told me that last week was the last school rugby match he will play - next term, the sport switches to football and then his school career ends in the summer.

So, will this be the last set of family Christmas cards?

The thought of writing to everyone and informing them that we have separated fills me not with dread but actual excitement. Let us see.