133: Good enough - a philosphy

Every life is, or could be, a series of self-justifications. In previous posts I have written about the good fortune I have had of a good level of earning which has helped me - so far - to provide and support.

But I have also been told by my wife that I should be ashamed of not having had pay rises. One of my motivations to take redundancy some 15 months ago was for the substantial pay-off - which funded 3 new bathrooms, a new kitchen and house decoration.

Where does the feeling of 'good enough' morph into laziness?

An interesting article here.

https://www.theguardian.com/books/2019/jan/12/i-accept-myself-just-as-i-am-the-rise-of-realistic-self-help

Then again, the self-reinvention narrative was always a bit suspect to begin with. For one thing, it’s by no means clear that it’s possible to transform yourself through the simple application of individual willpower: wherever you come down on nature and nurture, it’s undeniable that we owe much of our success or failure in life to our circumstances, and to luck. Then there is the infuriating psychological quirk of “hedonic adaptation”, otherwise known as the happiness treadmill. Succeed in improving your life, and the improvement will soon become part of the backdrop of your days, and thus cease delivering pleasure; to recover that sense of vitality and zest, you’ll have to reinvent yourself again, ad infinitum.

For a while now, that hyperbole has been losing ground to a spirit of anti-utopianism – of accepting yourself as you are, building a good-enough life, or just protecting yourself from the worst of the world outside. 

At the core of Gawdat’s “formula for happiness” is the venerable observation that happiness equals reality minus expectations: in order to feel distress because your life is lacking something, you must first have had some expectation of attaining that thing. (My life lacks a 70ft yacht, but this causes me no suffering, because I never imagined I’d have one.) The argument is not, as progressive critics of self-help sometimes imagine, that disadvantaged people need only stop expecting anything better in order to be content. Some expectations – a reasonable standard of living, healthcare, fulfilling work, social connection – may be entirely rational. But seeing the truth of the formula acts as a kind of sieve, allowing you to separate the handful of things you genuinely want from life from those you’ve been socialised into believing you should want. The latter aren’t worth the pursuit – and if they are the reason you’re trying to invent a “new you”, you’re better off sticking with the old one.

And, of course, there is the danger:

The new crop of anti-perfectionist self-help books are an important counterweight to the conventional message of self-reinvention, which is that there’s no point at which it makes sense to be satisfied with your situation and finally relax, since you could always benefit from acquiring more money, status, education, and so on.

132: Same old, same old

Today is a Monday.

Last week, for three days in a row, I came home to just a complete mess at home – stuff in the sink, clothes all over the place, cooking not done ….

And I don’t really mind – am not exactly hugely organised myself.

But the issue is that she leaves things till late and then is all stressed about working till late – in addition to lecturing others on being conscientious!!

Someone who does not work – as in a profession, to work till 10 pm is a travesty.

Last night, mainly because of her as, left to my own devices I would have gone to my room and bed, I sat down to watch some TV with her. 9 pm. She has to choose that precise time to do ironing and scan documents. Both could have been done earlier or later but this need to create drama and then resolve seems to be a habit.

131: Luxury Items (!!!!)

My wife bought some of these sticks that are dipped in perfume and spread a nice aroma around a house.

'This is our luxury item,' she pronounced!

I thought about: planning for a safari holiday, Cuba last year, multiple holidays, £50k on new bathrooms and kitchen, essentially very few worries on spending .....

This must have flicked across my face - she dragged it back, '... another luxury.'

130: Drone Man and Childishness

So, on my landmark birthday our flights to Spain get cancelled due to airport troubles with drones and we are unable to go. I can only imagine what the reaction might have been if it had been on her birthday! (but let me not guess – perhaps it would have been fine.) Not really bothered about going out but she insists that we go to a pub – she tries one that she really likes, fails and then goes for a second. All good.

Her birthday comes, it’s on a Sunday. ‘Shall we try a week-day lunch at a nice place?’ ‘No – we’ll take our son along.’ ‘Ok.’ ‘Shall I book the pub we couldn’t get on my birthday?’ ‘No – let’s go into the centre of town. Somewhere nice.’

Glad I asked about the pub rather than book it!! Would not have been ‘good enough’.

I read somewhere that after the age of 11 one really should not care about birthdays. But clearly not in this case!

After our tempestuous year in 2015, and shopping episode we take an equal amount from the joint account as the Christmas and birthday bonus. I go for Christmas shopping one day with her. The other day she says, ‘I think I will buy a watch for my birthday – I will take you with me.’

As I write these, they seem very little and, indeed, they are – but it is all about self-importance and making others dance to her tune.

The mood, overall, had been a little ‘off’ lately. I use a travelcard to go back and forth from work and this can be registered onto an online system where all movements can be tracked and, in case of loss, money protected. She had been nagging me for months to get it registered and I had always resisted – for no particular reason. Again, she went on at me until I gave in. 

She went online and did all the work. I stepped out of the room to get something and came back to find that she was trawling through my journeys from previous months – and it suddenly struck me that she possibly took my reluctance to register as a sign that I did not want her to see my journeys. Perhaps she was thinking that I was having this mythical affair and my travel history would give it away.

Mood has substantially improved – no such evidence as no such fact!!

129: Happy New Year .... and funny

Happy New Year in this year of 2019 - who knows what this will bring!!!

We were due to meet a cousin of my wife's who also happened to be a childhood friend of mine. This friend and I had fallen out because of a controversy surrounding my wife in which she had been the innocent party - the accusations made by her cousin/my friend totally unfounded. In 2000 I had defended my wife and would do so again and had lost the childhood friend, her siblings and the family as a consequence.

Anyway, there has been a little rapprochement and we were all due to meet. I deliberately wore an old sweater so I would not be accused of 'making an effort.'

My wife comes into the room and forces me to change the sweater and suggests I go to an analyst with the question, ' why do I have trouble spending money?'

Given that we have just spent some £50000 on updating the house, this seemed a bit rich to me! I did not say anything.

Perhaps because what I wear is not my priority, perhaps I don't like wasting money because I have to earn it, perhaps because my only recreation is not 'spending money'.

128: For the record - football and character

At some point in the future, when I am gone, perhaps my son will read this blog. And while I tell him all the time that he is my hero, my life, my magic and reason for living, I want to record something particular.

Today he was not feeling particularly well but, nevertheless, wanted to play and contribute to his football team. It was cold and rainy but I watched him and he played a manful game - full of effort and character. As did his team mates.

I was so impressed and told him so.

I had a pop out in the evening for a match of my own - currently he and I are without his mother who is away this month. When I came back, he was fast asleep in the TV room.

Pushed him into his own bed at 7:30 and he was out like a light.

But, during the day, he fought and he showed character and gave energy where there really wasn't much in the tank.

Impressive.

127: Daily Vicissitudes

Am having to work from home today and all I can hear is that incessant voice upstairs nagging away at our son to tidy his room.

It needs to be done but the management style is just so haranguing that his attitude is obviously resentful. He and I have cleared up before and it has been far less taxing.

This is holiday week for our son. As she will ‘looking after’ him in the week and he may have friends over or whatever, she will be busier than usual. So, I cooked on Sunday to last us for the following week. 

I come home from work on Wednesday – she has been out and about with our son and another family, eaten out for lunch on Tuesday and Wednesday, and yet the kitchen is a mess, the sink is full of breakfast stuff and then I am asked to do his cooking for the evening and our warming up. 

Today (Friday) I am at home as I had a hospital appointment, I come back and am told to do the lunch. I could say ‘no’ but just this taken-for-granted grates.

And when it comes to tidiness, as ever, clothes are all over the rooms and credit cards receipts – dating from six months ago – are strewn all over the dining table being ‘checked’, and they have been spread across for a week and a half now. What sort of role modelling behaviour is that? Does she not even notice the double standards?

Before leaving for the hospital I received these long instructions on where to park. I needed to buy some shoes and received sarcastic comments on where to buy – which ones were for old people and which ones young. Can she not just look after herself ... that would be a huge step forward.

Please, find someone else and leave us …