120: A Quiet Phase

A long time since I wrote and 18 months from the magic turnaround. Life has continued pleasantly enough with no rows, her relationship with our son is much improved, we’ve been through many family dramas together – my mum breaking her hip, my father’s dementia and then death, her brother’s death, her mum’s stroke – and worked collaboratively through all of that with mutual support.

Professionally, I have left my permanent role in a large organisation and gone out contracting. The redundancy money is being used for a new kitchen and new bathrooms, with new flooring and decorating to come. Lots of money being spent.

Relationship wise, we have fun, we go out for meals and holidays are good. Sexually, though, nothing happens for me though I try to satisfy her, shall we say, manually. (The last time anything happened for me was August 2015 - easy to remember because it was an anniversary.)

But, you know, I cannot forget all that was said and, in the end, as she herself says of other people, it is not possible to change one’s nature. There are fewer flashes of the rather difficult-to-deal-with directness but pettiness, judgement on others, wanting something for nothing, a general neediness are all there.

I want to live my life a little free, without wondering how The Other will react. I work with other consultants now and have again realised that mine is not an uncommon story. One whom I spend a lot of time with was expressing the same sentiment – to do things for oneself rather than for the wife or wider family. That sounds selfish and I think it arises out of a feeling that I am doing things for others where I do not get an ‘equal’ reaction. The old feeling that I do the right things but the reaction is not what I would expect – like shouting down a valley and no echo returning.

And I do not, in any way, mean ‘gratitude’. Can I explain that?

I spent a couple of days with my brother and sister-in-law while my wife was away. And my sister-in-law and I had some conversations. She asked me who or what did I love? Of course my son, but what about others? She gave her own of example of going on holiday, staring at art was something she absolutely loved as she could lose herself.

I replied that, if I were being brutally honest then that list would be restricted to my son and my friends. Both are people who demand nothing and I am just ‘me’ – liked for who I am while not being taken for granted. A close cousin could be added to that list but even in stating that I knew I would come in for some teasing – so, I didn’t. And that is what I mean I suppose, a few paragraphs up. I feel as if I have worked and done things because I have had to and not for the greater purpose of ‘living a good life’ which surely must be the aim of privileged people like us who have won the lottery of birth.

‘You see yourself as a Provider,’ my sister-in-law said. And I suppose I am but that is not the person I want to be. That is the role I have had to assume as there is a great Want in the Other. I would have loved an adult relationship where we are ‘happy’ and know how to enjoy without so much need. But, disappointingly, what I have is an unequal relationship where I have been forcibly criticised for not being good enough as a provider with no attempt or desire to build a partnership or to help. And that does not necessarily mean being employed – it means a oneness, an acceptance of being good, of being forgiving towards making mistakes but also living up to each other and being, as the cliche goes, the best version of ourselves and having the support to be so.

And let me not be disingenuous. I like living in the house we live in now rather than the one we lived in for five years previously, which was fine but I felt was less than what I ‘should’ have. And so, if each of us has an in-built measure of ‘success’ then why do I criticise another’s view of what ‘should’ be? I suppose because there is only the Need there and not the attitude that – while there is always a huge amount of luck (starting with birth) – there has to be Work too. Birth, intelligence, qualifications are critical and can provide a head start but unless these are of exceptionally high levels still form only the foundations - the rest has to be worked for. So much can go right and so much can go wrong but the only thing in our hands is our effort and attitude - the rest is uncontrollable and we have to be lucky.

With my son and, as a child, things can be different.

He is now 12. A few weeks ago he was not very well and he went to sleep with his head on my chest and his arm around my waist. Last night he came to my room as he could not get to sleep and stayed with me – my wife is away. A year or so ago, I had fallen asleep – or so he thought – and he came and gave me a little hug before going to bed himself. He is not doing that because we are sending him to a fee-paying school or buying him gifts but something far simpler and deeper. And, I have truly learnt ‘love’ from him, the oneness that fills me with warmth. And, it turns out, I have written before on this - Dear Son.

And I try to role-model the behaviours I am trying to inculcate – openness, conscientiousness but, also, something that was significantly lacking in my growing up, and I am probably being very unfair here, a feeling of being loved. I am not sure I had that even though my parents no doubt felt it. It was a feeling of not being good enough, about being controlled and having to 'do' things to be liked. Some of that will always be felt and, yes, I do say to my son that there is very little for free and work is what gives us the freedom for other things – but that, at its best, work does not feel like work and actually is part of who you are and what you want to be.


But I also ask him (and he knows the answers) as  I tuck him in, 'who is my most favourite soul in the universe?' 'I am.' 'Who is my life?' 'Me' 'Who is my reason for living?' 'Me.'

In the end, I would like him to be a gentle person, with good friends, fulfilled at work and the ability to be content. Might take him a while – as it takes all of us, and he will have his own journey – but hope he gets there.

119 - 'Like a Woody Allen film'

3 school friends and I got together over dinner last week-end - one had come over from France. As a group, this was probably the first time we had got together since 1987 but individuals had been in touch throughout that time.

As evening turned to dusk, so we talked about life and stuff.

The one in France had married a French guy, divorced, lived with another and been forced to, essentially, run away - then married a great Scottish guy (who was divorced and, indeed, a grandfather, himself) and now appears to be content in her personal life and they have a lovely 7 year old daughter.

Another married her sweetheart from age 16, they had a daughter (now 16) and then he ran away when their child was 1 - with someone he met at FriendsReunited! My friend then married an Irish guy with whom she has two further kids.

The third worked her way through a number of relationships - some that may be considered 'rebellious' as she is Jewish. Then married a Jewish guy somewhat older than her and has a 9 year old son.

The details are not to identify but how varied people are.

And I, of course, have my own story.

One of my friends texted the next day to say that the dinner conversations could have formed the content of a Woody Allen film!

As I relate that line to other friends, that is true of virtually everyone. The four of us are ordinary people trying to live ordinary lives, but things get added to our lives like lego pieces or fall on us like dust and there is little that may be called simple.

Can I continue the metaphor further? Can we be the 'wall' that the proverbial jelly falls off of and retain who we are while dealing with the vicissitudes of life or do we allow ourselves to be overwhelmed and break down.

And, of course, these are first world problems. Floating across the Mediterranean in search of a better life, scraping of rubbish heaps to earn money - those are problems. Us? Unless they are medical and tragic, we make them but can't always unmake.

118 - Do I / we live up to these principles?

A Harvard Study: https://curiousmindmagazine.com/parents-who-raise-good-kids/

The headlines are:

Spend Quality Time - do things like reading

Be Role Model - including admitting mistakes and making time for yourself

Teach to Care for Others - including responsibilities and duties for others; not just 'be happy' but 'be kind and be happy'

Practice Appreciation and Gratitude

See the Big Picture - be kind, empathetic outside immediate circle

I think we - as parents - are ok at what is being stated but could do more on the last three.

117 - Another Father's Day

Another Father's Day - a year after the one that possibly triggered a complete reversal of her behaviours - https://dear-confidant.blogspot.co.uk/2016/09/100-why-turnaround.html and https://dear-confidant.blogspot.co.uk/2016/09/99-dramatic-turnaround.html

Once more I get a present from my son and he chooses the restaurant he wants to take me to - having picked out a specific item as well. This is in contrast to just about getting him to sign a card for Mother's Day and nothing more - though I had booked a restaurant or offered to take my wife out another day  for just a deux.

Good thing she is not taking the contrast to heart - or, at least, not obviously so.

I know last year he instigated the gift for me - this year his mother may have, I don't know. But at least he wanted to do something for me more than a scribbled card. I thanked him profusely.

Of course, whether I received something or not would have been completely immaterial - not something I would have been worried about.

As he grows into an 11 year old boy, can I keep his trust and love?

116 - Minutae again - worrying but a conclusion re-affirmed

Been a year since the damascene conversion - 99 - A Dramatic Turnaround -  but I still do not believe it and I am certainly not in a place where I have forgotten and am relaxed.

The other day she informed that our son had said something like, ‘look, my lunchbox has not been washed properly!’ To which she had responded that I had done the washing and – with joy – she reported this conversation to me in the evening. Pointing out a failure and taking pleasure in doing so.

This morning, our son’s school uniform is not ready and I have to iron the clothes, when she is obsessive about this being under her control. I, obviously, do not mention this ‘failing’ unlike her continual need to, somehow, deliver some sort of oneupwomanship!

Yesterday evening was a little like the bad old days. I came home to a crying child and an angry mother. Apparently he had gone upstairs straight after coming home and watched the a recording of the NBA Finals. Then had come down for homework which had not been done to his mother’s satisfaction. A huge lecture on how he had watched too much television and would be banned from now on and so on and so on.

I suspect I know exactly what happened. Yes, he had probably watched a little too long but she had probably been doing Facebook or something and had not imposed the discipline. And it had become late, time was 7:00 pm, she was only just starting the cooking and it was all getting stressed.

When I am looking after him, we would come back home, he would have a little rest and we would, together, fix a time when he would start homework – say, 5:30 pm – and I would make sure he would keep to that rather than get distracted myself on Facebook. My cooking would be finished by 7 pm and all clear up and done in the kitchen by 8:30 tops. Last night, she did not finish until almost 10 pm.

And when she lets rip, she lets rip. I held on to him and he said that, ‘I always do my work but mum always scolds me.’ To be fair, I had not seen this recently but if that is his impression then that is not good.

Another day I was very upset with him as he had not even acknowledged or responded to a call to come downstairs for something. I told him I had asked him a number of times, he had not even acknowledged my call and that that was very rude. He had a little cry at that too but I did not shout and we were right as rain in five minutes – I did not drone on and on and on …

 My conclusion? I remain of the opinion that I am better off alone and not with her. I need to target my life, somehow, to be a Silver Splitter; I simply cannot take the risk of being in this marriage for the rest of my life. Her anger has not gone away, the little negatives about people have not gone away – and, with age, they will only grow worse.

115 - Irony

My parents (90+ and 80+) stayed with us for a couple of weeks and all was great. Neither of them is very well. My wife was fine and helpful, we shared the looking after and cooking.

She says to me, 'Your mum is very competitive. She asked me about the size of other people's houses and whether other kids had achieved higher scholarships than our son and what this person wears ....'

This from the woman who asked me whether I was a Head of .. or just a manager, who berated me for not getting a pay rise and said I should be ashamed, whether my boss is older  than me, how are my friends doing, who has been continually critical of what I wear when going for a walk in the park and so on and so on and so on ...

https://dear-confidant.blogspot.co.uk/2015/11/clearly-failure.html

https://dear-confidant.blogspot.co.uk/2016/05/96-champagne-and-handshakes.html

https://dear-confidant.blogspot.co.uk/2015/03/the-last-whinge.html

https://dear-confidant.blogspot.co.uk/2015/09/huge-row-getting-worse.html

Well, at least life is passing peaceably now and is even fun from time to time.

Can all this resentment and anger disappear, like so many clouds? Or is it all being stored up?

The more I look back, the more I am glad I have been keeping this blog/diary. Not to hold on to unhappiness but to show the depths of despair - it would be too easy to forget.

Of course, it also had a therapeutic effect at the time of stress release.

114 - Dear Son - a letter to say 'thanks'

As life has not been miserable lately, I have not been posting so often. But there was a moment a couple of months ago which I have to record.


Your mother and I are sleeping in separate rooms during the week as that way we both get better nights’ sleep. This was at my instigation and your mother did not object. This is the new Mum, of course, the one who is mostly fun and a lot less angry than before.


I was tired one evening and went to bed early. Before you went to sleep, you came into my room, wrapped your arms around me and gave me a comforting hug before heading back to your own bed.

You did not realise that I was still awake and I did not say anything. But that little gesture moved me so much. You are my life, you are everything I could have hoped for and so much more. I will try my best not to let you down.
I started this blog for my own sanity. I needed to write down the stuff that was happening or it would just continue to well up inside me.

One day perhaps you will read it. I do not know what our lives will be at the time. I also do not propose to give any advice. Just know that I am trying my best for you and us and me. If that means, at this more peaceful time, neglecting you a little in favour of your mother – forgive me. It will never be more than ‘a little’ and I am doing it for the greater good.

Strangely, it is you who have taught me what love really is. You still shout ‘baba’ as I walk through the door. You give me, and ask for, hugs galore. You comfort me when I am down – somehow you sense it and give me a pat on the head or a hug. You still give me that open smile sometimes when I wake you up in the morning. You forgive me when I apologise for scolding you. It is a relationship that makes up for so much else and it is one I draw strength from every day.

I love you.