In the end I did buy a present for her birthday - another expensive perfume despite stating that I would not. Confidant: 202: Happy New Year (dear-confidant.blogspot.com). It's been alright - lots of money spent, nothing to complain about as a consequence!
Today I arranged a two hour session for her at John Lewis - to discuss her style and wardrobe. I was wondering how the presents I have bought her have focused on her - perfume and lotions and this. Whereas she bought a sweater I did not need and have too many of already - and pair of joggers to be fair. Only once in our marriage - the first anniversary I think it was - did she buy thinking of me, a golf putter. Even the jogger - she wants me to wear tighter clothes as I have lost weight! 'You should wear tighter clothes - why do you have wear baggy stuff like your sister-in-law?' Can she just please leave me alone?!!
I sawed the Christmas tree into pieces today - ready for the bin truck tomorrow - and put the lights and decorations and toys away. Is that the last time?!
What I felt was - yes - partly, fear of whether I would be able to do it, say it and leave once our son's school career is over. But the bigger fear was one of having to go through the Christmas rigmarole again and not having taken the fateful step of actually leaving or, at least, articulating the desire to. We will see.
I liked this article ‘You’re better off single than in a bad relationship’: lessons in love readers learned from their parents | Life and style | The Guardian.
And one of the statements there in particular. 'Anger is a choice. If you can control your feelings around your colleagues, friends and strangers, then you can do it around your family. It took a lot of unlearning as an adult to not behave like my parents.'
As I have repeatedly said, this anger (along with the need for control) are the most tiring. One moment anger and then, suddenly, sweetness and light. That cannot be right.
No comments:
Post a Comment