167: Words to heed?

Completely different topic of an agony column - a woman not being able to choose between two men - but some apposite words?

'For most women the next opportunity for seismic self-scrutiny and reinvention doesn’t come until we are in our 50s when re-adjustments are often necessary for stage two of life’s evolutionary journey. The best way I’ve found to make such choices is to start with a clean slate and slowly build up the picture. Developing your destiny mustn’t be mitigated by fear of upsetting other people. Learning to be true to yourself and employing honesty and kindness towards others is the way to avoid the fear of causing hurt or guilt. Sadly, relationships are not beautifully balanced creations and therefore causing inadvertent pain when making choices is unavoidable.

'I may have laboured the point a bit here, but I really want you to stop and think about yourself, not spend these precious days erroneously believing the key to your own happiness is choosing which of these men best delivers it. The key to contentment, as I hope I’ve made clear, lies within. Free yourself to make choices and you might be surprised by the person who reveals herself.'

166: Confrontation 2

Been going on a few weeks now. In mid-October my mother passed away - but that's for another entry. It was the 15th of October - a Thursday.

That weekend my wife decided to 'confront' my son about some work that he was doing, in the way he was doing it and the amount of time he was spending on the PS4. And he does spend too much time on that and his work is a bit loose right now but the terms of the confrontation were harsh. And over the next two days, she basically picked fights for little or no reason with him.

These happen too often - Entry 157 - Partial Return to the Bad Old Days and I have warned her about her behaviour multiple times and what our son will remember - Entry 149 - Tale of Weekends.

Noise and stress irk me. I tell my son that my mother was often unfairly strict with me and that he will just have to suck it up - though I do speak to his mother now and again. 

But she has told me that confrontation is good, and just because I do not like it, does not mean she will not carry on.

Combined with the situation where my mother died, the fights put me on edge and rather depressed. And, I have to admit, lacking in patience to deal with her attitude.

The other day she comes home from work and asks me a question about the bins in that accusatory tone of hers. I snap back with an ill-tempered 'yeeeesss' - to which her response is that she had just asked a question and I did not have to answer in that fashion. And, yes, I should not have. But I am struggling. And even if I do not snap very often, I suspect I am being grumpy and uncommunicative.

We drive somewhere and come back and there's some arrangement in the boot / trunk of my car that she has a hang-up on? I haven't done anything about it because it affects no one. 'It's because you never want to do anything in the right way!' she says. 'I do everything in the right way.'

I find myself increasingly being snappy. The situation has not changed. I cannot divorce and leave because our son is 15 and it would be a huge disturbance in his life. With the inheritance from my parents I could probably afford an apartment now but I cannot leave him in her care and I don't know the chances of my being prime carer. And, anyway, it would be a seismic move that I don't have the energy or resources for right now.

I had thought that her working after so many years would have lessened the tension and stress when she walks in through the door - but the opposite has been the case. 

I feel a confrontation coming. Despite this blog, I am way past the point where I look to appoint blame. I am an ok person but clearly not for her. I have been lucky in that she has not had to do anything for me - I have not had a travelling job or unreasonable hours or family commitments which often imply sacrifice from the spouse. It has been her choices all along the way - so I have no guilt other than the fact that it will be a rather harsh thing to do. And I know that comes across as patronising and perhaps I do come across as implying that she could not cope - she has stated as much to me, that I have been helpful over the years in being a supportive husband because I underestimate her ability! (which I do not and never have done.) She is not as special as she thinks she is but, then, none of us is.

Anyway, if I am bad for her by being someone who never does anything right, is grumpy and also patronising, then why stay?

Postscript (10 December)

So, our son is having to self-isolate right now because of Covid and does not have to wake up much before 8 am - rather than the usual 7 am. She, though, still has to go out to work and leave the house at 7:20 am or so.

During the week I sleep in the guest room and suddenly I hear this huge noise at 7 am - she has her door wide open and is drying her hair. Not a big thing but it would have disturbed our son sleeping in the next room. She could have at least kept her bedroom door shut? It is just this casual selfishness. Years ago, in Spain, in a hotel, our son, about 7 years old, was not feeling very well and wanted to sleep. She, though, kept the TV on and watched loudly - didn't understand it then, don't understand it now.

And, for someone who prides herself on organisation and doing everything right, forget the washing all over the house right now (I am not allowed to do this as I am not competent enough), she has been taking her cereal in a bowl in the car to work! Very eclectic / charming no doubt but really?