136: Bits and Bobs

During the week we are sleeping in different rooms as, otherwise, I struggle to have a peaceful night because of her snoring - my snoring does not seem to affect her.

Anyway, I was watching some TV and went into our bedroom to wish her goodnight and she said, 'I was looking for a receipt for the extra cereal packet you bought - so I could return it. All your stuff fell out and so everything is in the wrong order in your wallet.'

Bollocks.

Yes, I had bought some extra cereal but I checked the next morning and it had already been returned. She was clearly going through my wallet which was in my trousers that I had left in my room. What was she trying to find? A secret tryst of some sort. Sadly, there is nothing and so nothing was found. I obviously did not address it with her in any antagonistic way or, indeed, in any way. What's the point.

Because, also, you see, I am at a point where I really don't want to play the game of who is 'right' and who is 'wrong'. It really doesn't matter. Though life these last couple of years since the Magic Turnaround has been fine, I just have no feeling and while this blog is very useful to record points, it is for my own benefit rather than to weigh the scales. It is what it is and when it comes to split, and I do hope that that time will come, I will not feel the need to justify my actions.

Update May 2019
Perhaps I had been hasty in my judgement. That extra box of cereal had been lying about in the car rather than returned. Am still not convinced though - she could have easily used her receipt to return the box I had bought?

135: Sex and Marriage

I wrote some time ago - Testosterone - that I had been having trouble with the sexual side of things. 

Looking back, it was August 2015 that we last had penetrative sex and nothing happens down below when I am next to her. Since 2016 I have tried to give her pleasure in other ways but that's stopped since January 2019. In all our years of marriage, I was usually the instigator and post-sex, I was often met with the comment, 'satisfied?' So, bollocks to it. If she instigates I will react but, otherwise, let it be.

Over the counter viagra ads sometimes pop up  on the TV and she looks at me out of the corner of my eye but I really can't be bothered.

July 2020 update: Coming up the 5th anniversary of no-sex on my part. We sleep apart during the week anyway - as her snoring disturbs my sleep and we have come to that arrangement. On the weekends, we sleep in the same bed and, now and again, she will want sex. But, nothing happens with my 'machinery' - so, I provide some pleasure in other ways and that's the extent of our sex life.

And, you know what, I am not interested anyway; the mind and spirit are gone. I have had a testosterone test done again and mine remains marginally low - there appears to be no reason why everything should not work. But it doesn't and that may be down to psychology. Don't really care.