125: Narratives and change

I have left my permanent role after 11 years with the same organisation, taken redundancy and started up as consultant. I was speaking to my mum on the phone.

'Well, you are very brave. But so long as you get the necessary income, I suppose. You won't be MD here anyway.'

The 'here' was to do with being an Asian in an European country - and I don't buy that personally; she doesn't either I am sure.

The interesting point about that comment to me was about not being an MD!! Here is a woman who has been sacrificed on the altar of her husband's career, who has spoken and written at length about having had to give up her dreams for the sake of others - and yet, she cannot get away from the narrative of being an MD.

I have been lucky enough to support my family in the home while providing material benefits - but I have not pushed myself at work. There I have earnt enough (between £85k and £105k since 2007) but have not had to commit the time and effort that could easily have been the case. I believe - and it may be rationalisation of sorts - that I have been given the opportunity to be balanced - notwithstanding the marriage issues that have nevertheless arisen.

If I may be bold - and it is presumptuous right now - I have been fortunate enough to challenge the narrative of 'success' being completely associated with position and have been someone who, I believe, has provided and supported. I do not regard that as a sacrifice in any way - it has been of value to me that I have been a close father and I know that I have been a supportive husband.

But these 'narratives' abound and I have to learn in several arenas - not just the professional and parental. Marriage and having the courage to break rather than stay and be miserable is the next barrier - may God give me strength and the luck.

I have written before about the 'one that got away' and even in 2014 I appear to write about wanting 'an other' with whom to share.

I have moved on now, 4 years later.

If truth be told, in my adult life I suppose I have met 3 women in my life with whom I have felt a sort of spontaneous connection - I did with my wife as well (penultimate paragraph) but that was swiftly thrown back in my face!!

The one who is the subject of 'the one that got away', one I worked with and was accused of having an affair with by my wife and a third whom I have known since the 90s but lives in another country. Each has provided me with confidence and all three are dreamy - far too good for me. With none have I said or done anything untoward.

Now, when I speak about being a 'silver splitter', it is no longer that I somehow dream of being with one of them or, indeed, anyone else. I truly believe I am better off alone. The very thought of having to worry about someone else on a daily basis scares the bollocks of me. Alone - that's me - but hopefully not lonely.

124: Nasty I know but ...

Life is still fine - we seem to be gettng along. But then, we have now spent close to £50,000 on the house now and two holidays in the summer!!

Nasty in tone that last sentence, I know, but I will let myself go this once.

She was doing a voluntary role - reading at a school. Unpaid of course and about 2 hours a week.

As usual, she was lecturing them about this and that and after one - no doubt - hectoring email, the school came back and said that 'from her tone' it was clear that 'she no longer wanted to work' there - it thanked her and wished her well for the future!

Being let go from a voluntary role is quite a feat.

A number of her friends from a decade or more ago were passing through London - we could see on Facebook. She even got in touch with them. They went out for dinner about half an hour from us - again Facebook. She somehow missed out on being invited.