67: Clearly A Failure

Yesterday I get home and she tells me about a dad from school who had been offered  a role in Singapore, Shanghai or Houston. The obvious implication being that he was more successful than me and that I was clearly a failure.

No doubt the failure bit is true - comparatively speaking - but is that a supportive partner? You think I am imagining this?

The conversation carries on:

'Are you applying for any jobs right now?'

No

'What is your designation now? 'Head of ..' like you were before or just a 'Manager?'

Manager

'What about your friends?'

No response from me.

'Are you going to the gym on Monday evening?'

Probably not as I have a meeting with my big boss.

'How old is he?'

Mid to late 50s I suppose.

'At least he is not younger than you.'

Where do I go with this? Have I really provided such a  poor and deprived life?

I am earning more than £100k per annum and her lack of control means that this is not quite enough - and I am trying to go higher. But it is all attack, attack, attack.

In contrast, I wake up the next morning, come out of our room and get a 'daaaaad' from our son who is already awake, a huge smile and massive hug.

I have a son who loves me, valued friends, family members who appreciate me and provide me with support. Am I that bad a person?

This is not how I imagined my life panning out.

66: Low Tesosterone - and sympathy (not)

I went to the doctors for my erectile dysfunction and a marginally low level of testosterone was diagnosed.

This was virtually the ideal result – so ‘lack of performance’ was not down to psychological issues and what she would perceive as her fault. She was happy I am sure.

The Next Cutting Comment

Through my teens and twenties I did not have a girlfriend. Blame me, blame my Asian background – this is not an uncommon story. The women whom I did like, I lacked the confidence to do anything about so as not to threaten a friendship. A good friend’s mum asked him whether I was gay?!

I had written diaries in my teens but in my twenties I wrote a lot of letters to friends and relations. The feedback that I’ve had from them has always been appreciative and positive. Being somewhat lonely, I suppose the letters helped me and were enjoyed by others.

Now, there used to be a writer called James Thurber who always kept copies of his correspondence. Partly inspired by this, I also kept copies of what I wrote and retained the ones I received. They became my diary. A little strange perhaps but a chronicle of sorts – and we would today use Facebook maybe.

‘Did the GP ask you whether you had had girlfriends when you were young? If your friend had been a GP he would have. Your friends should be told about this. This explains it. Instead of chasing after girls, you were writing letters and keeping photocopies – how weird is that.’

So…

Where she wanted sympathy for a potential early menopause, the nearest male equivalent evinces the response above.

Does depression lead to low testosterone or does low testosterone lead to depression? Whichever it may be, I am there ....