235: The Fundamental Difference

 Been quiet since the last session on Friday - today is Sunday.

She has made a significant and helpful offer to my sister-in-law on a family matter.

She keeps going on about various 'fundamental differences' between her and me - and also keeps talking about the differences between our families.

Not sure how the latter matters given that I am not particularly close to my family - even my parents when they were alive - and have never imposed either values or presence on her. 'Yes, but I thought you wanted me to be like your family.' Far from it ... anyway, I really cannot be held responsible for what she thought I was thinking.

Then, on an individual level, comments on how I do not impose on friends but they are there to demanded of. I did not point out that I have a set of close and warm friends while her best relations are with her parents' friends rather than her peers. But, never mind, the more she underlines my weaknesses, the better.

Our counsellor is suggesting that we are simply not on the same plane. We just keep missing each other and looking for different things. 

And that is - fundamentally (!) - true.

I am at the end of the scale who is - relatively - easily content. Given my privileged position / start, that is quite a high bar. But, still, I do not have a constant hankering. I have complexes about height and looks and weight but they are my issues and do not affect others. I go out, make friends, do activities and enjoy the times while also appreciating quiet times. Work, in the end, means very little to me other than in building a life.

She, on the other hand, appears to be never happy. Get something and it is on to the next thing. Holidays, meals, going out, what 'other people do' .... 

The first attitude can lead to laziness but, push comes to shove, we have been lucky enough to have a pretty good life. The second helps to motivate but nothing is ever enough. (and I have been the donkey who has kept his head down and been fortunate enough to have brought back the sticks through thick and thin.)

And all that is never going to change.

234: Session 3 - Couple Counselling

 Following the last one, I started off this one responding to some of the things that were said. Just to give the Counsellor a full picture.

How, from the very beginning - Confidant: 141: In the words of Don McLean, The Day the Music Died - April 2000 - I had been worried about her issues and what I could do about them. And nothing ever helped.

How I cut off a lifelong friendship because she was right in an argument with that person.

That while I have generally avoided confrontation and prefer to let things go with others, so I was the same with her. When she wrote to my cousins about my alleged infidelity, I asked them to respond as friends and not to defend me. How, when her brother writes to me to tell me that it is a good things that 3/4 parents have not lived to know of this situation, I do not tell him that 2 of the 4 did actually know because I had to tell them after she wrote to my cousins.

When she says now that I should have been more forceful about her going back to work or being more careful with money, that would not have been 'me' and still is not.

How, if, as she says, she does not criticise me to others and does not believe that I am useless, then why have I had this wall of negativity coming up against me throughout our marriage? I do not get it, never have.

She had read an article which said something along the lines of 'the opposite of love is not hate but indifference.' And, yes, it would be right to accuse me of a level of indifference these last few years. But, in my own way, I am passionate and I do 'invest' and I have just lost the confidence and the trust. And that the only road open is a 'good as possible separation', it seems to me. I cannot pack away all that has been said.

We have also spoken outside of the sessions - and I always wait for her to instigate. She said that she had reached a decision that, post separation, she would not be contacting me (ever) but that I should feel free to contact her. That whatever transpires would be my decision(s). That she needed to do this to protect herself.

I said that I had placed myself in her shoes - someone not wanting a separation but their partner leaving - and said that I would do the same thing. This seems to be a big element in her mental state and so that is fine. I understand.

I said that I would need counselling myself as I do not really know who I am any more. Am I that rather dessicated, dispassionate, aloof, ungenerous, bit useless person that I have seen reflected in her words? I could be.

She said that I was not only indifferent to her but also to others. And I agreed with her. When my brother was going through significant mental health issues, I did not reach out to him or my sister-in-law.

Then there was a long lecture on how her family was so different from mine and, again, how she had not been praised. I mentioned that I was, in many ways, and on purpose, different from my family. And that I had built a distance. And what did it matter what our families were like? We were in different countries for the first 4 of the 5 years of our marriage! What mattered was us and I never forced 'family' on us.

More sentences followed on how I do not ask anything of anyone - including her. Yes, I said, maybe I am a loner. I do worry about imposing on friends. But even if I do not visit, I know that they love me and appreciate me. Anyway, if doing me down in terms of character helps her, so be it.