Over the many entries here, I have often written about how easy it is to forget - the Confidant: 188: The Dangers of Amnesia (dear-confidant.blogspot.com) and Confidant: 170: My fault but is it just me ....? (dear-confidant.blogspot.com).
She was was away for a weekend with some friends and almost a week with work - and it was gorgeous at home with just our son and me. Quiet, peaceful, productive.
There was a school ceremony on Thursday and she was coming back from her work trip that evening. I made some bolognese so we had something at home in case we wanted to eat. None of us did.
On Saturday evening our son is going out to a party. I suggest a film which has got good reviews. I suggest dinner out - which is usually what she wants.
She pops out in the morning and says that she will bring something back for lunch - by 1 pm. I get a message that it will be 1:30. Finally it is 2:30. No problem.
I go the gym, am back by 5:30 as promised. She has not completed some chores - of her own - because she has been procrastinating. She has not changed to go out.
I drop my son off at the party and am back by 7 pm. She still has not changed. I am still ready to eat out but suggest I make some pasta which we can have with the bolognese. She agrees.
She examines the dish which I have taken out from the fridge - having been in there for two days, it looks a little stodgy. 'This is too thick.' Without a by-your-leave she pours in a bunch of water. 'Now put this is in the oven.' Obviously it ends up being too watery but I say nothing. 'You break the pasta - you should not do that - it tastes different.'
There is a term I think called 'casual racism'. This is 'casual callousness'. I don't even think she realises that she is being a bitch - so convinced is she in her own righteousness. And, for sure, perhaps by being too quiet, by not paying enough attention, by being boring, I am callous back. So, why not split and give us both a break?
Today, she has gone out for the weekly shop - I am incompetent to do this - and the sink is full of dishes. 'Shall I clear the sink while you are away?' 'No.' So she will decide to cook, the kitchen will be a mess, everything will be late and there will be stress.
I got absolutely destroyed once - well, more than once actually - for mistakenly leaving the back door open - Confidant: 170: My fault but is it just me ....? (dear-confidant.blogspot.com). Yesterday, it was once more unlocked and I could feel a diatribe coming - until she realised that it was her who had left it open. Then it was, 'oh. the door is open.' Irony also that she always chooses to leave the kitchen window open - how is that secure?!!!!
There is a brilliant last line in this article I suddenly became a hit writer – but I felt my husband treated my career like an interruption of my domestic work | Marriage | The Guardian: 'I could say that when I think about my dream partner, what I want in that person is so basic, so low-bar, I’m almost ashamed to say it out loud: someone who’s happy to see me. Someone who smiles when I walk into a room. Someone who can be happy with me and for me ...'
I get that with my friends and I used to get that with my cousin who has died - I do not from my wife. Her happiness is conditional - it is entirely subjective to her whims - and I am not sure she knows how to be happy.
The other day she suddenly said - I do not remember the context: 'don't treat the symptoms - treat the cause.' Well, that is good advice.
