150th blog entry - a sort of landmark I suppose!
Have been at home for coming up to two months now. I work as an independent consultant and I have not yet been able to pick up a new assignment since the last one ended in early November - now it is the end of December.
Life has been pleasant enough. The jewellery I bought for the 20th anniversary turned out to be identical to one bought earlier. So, that has been replaced - expensively. Perfume. Money has been spent and, therefore, things are good with the world.
But the irritations continue.
One Sunday I shop and cook and take our son to football and come back and look after his food while she has been browsing on the phone and has not even showered - and I am criticised for the choice of meat cuts!
As usual she is folding clothes at 10 pm when it could have been done during the day and watching TV on high volume - enough to be heard around the house and, in particular, potentially disturbing our son's sleep. I ask her to turn it down - she refuses.
I come home having been out all day on errands and she is at the foot of the stairs looking at her phone - I work the dinner. 'I must show you the Facebook page of X,' she says. X is a friend of a friend and someone who she spent a few days with and is likely never to see again. Why waste time stalking people on FB that you have no interest in?
Last night she asks me when I intend to go to the gym as she has to go shopping.. I say, 'oh, sbout 4 pm.' Today the day passes - she doesn't wake up until 10 am. Then does this and that. At about 1 pm she says that she will not be back in time - she will not hurry her shopping for me. Fair enough, but why then ask in the first place?
And, you know, this is a sort of casual / instinctive selfishness - perhaps not even deliberate thought but just a lack of perception about anyone other than oneself. No doubt she will say the same about me but it is what it is.
And so, when I think of the future, I think of the huge burden that will be lifted if I succeed in being on my own - away from her. Nominally, the only way I see that happening is that our son moves to university and I take the important step of separation. But I truly - truly - cannot envisage the years that I have left continually having to think about her.
I suppose I am also disturbed because a former headteacher at my old high school passed away yesterday. She can't have been more than in her mid to late 50s but was suddenly struck with bowel cancer. A huge tragedy for her family - a husband and a three daughters I think. Her husband was my PE teacher and the three of us played many games of badminton together in the mid and late 80s.
I suppose the question there is whether one should wait before trying to find some peace - as who knows what time we have left.
But it is not a choice right now. The negative thrown at our child would far outweigh any good that may come out of it. There is little doubt that he would prefer to stay with me but there would no end to the drama.
The onesome silver-splitter will have to wait!
