111 - A Peaceful World

The peaceful world continues.

Our son is doing well and appears content. His relationship with his mother is much more playful now and she is far less attacking – no more five days in a row coming back to a crying child. 

Recently, my mother broke her hip while visiting home. As my wife also had issues to clear up for her family, she has gone back to the Mother Country to help out for a week or so. She has done a fantastic job cheering everyone up and being practical and useful. This is the person everyone loves and mostly what people see; it is only that our son and I had gotten used to a different person at home.

I am doing my bit by taking care to spend time with her in the evenings, participating in buying presents, going out to posh restaurants on special days such as birthdays and Valentines. We are affectionate and it is genuine, at least from my side.

But, and we have not had this conversation face to face, I still cannot trust or forget everything that was said. I continue to believe that all that anger and seething resentment is still there and ready to explode at some point. All it needs is my mentioning a name, saying something critical, her reading an e-mail. I may be wrong.

And, you know, it is not about blame. I am way past that. I have done wrong, she has done wrong and we have also done both things right – neither of us owes anything to the other; my issue has always been about continually her wanting more and my closing down as a result. 

Finally, it is about compatibility, a view of life and control. She and I are just very different. Somehow, she needs to ‘grow’ so that we are able to drift apart rather than be bound. I look at my parents and other couples and know that I would be better off alone. I have no one else, I have not succumbed to what someone termed the ‘myth of the perfect other.’ I may just be a person better off alone.

110: Mid-Life - another common story

(The Guardian) - Mid-Life Opportunities

Very interesting article – though nothing heavy; a guy talking to an analyst. Many common threads.


I know I certainly found it helpful to speak to a counsellor. This blog started off defined as a cliché and it is clear that while, ‘we may see ourself as one thing, unique and specific; the world sees us as another – as a social demographic or a cluster of symptoms.’ There are no new problems – comforting in some fashion. Entry 1: A Walking Cliché  

Feels so true to read that, ‘the Office for National Statistics reports that 40- to 59-year-olds are the most anxious age group. Marshall believes this anxiety is sparked by a sudden awareness of mortality and a fear of failure; the nagging, nightmarish sense that we will never fulfil our true potential.’ Entry 12: A Time for Review  

‘Marshall has seen many casualties in his time – people who, when faced with the challenges of middle age, promptly crash and burn. “A lot of people flunk the test,” he says. “They anaesthetise themselves – with drink, generally. Or with computer games, or pornography. Or with work. And if you don’t answer the questions, you become bitter, closed off and cynical.”’  

It could have been my Counsellor speaking when the journalist’s adviser states, “I’m getting a very strong message that you’re not allowed to be vulnerable. That you need to be loved, yet, when things get difficult, you withdraw from everybody. It’s a strange dichotomy.

‘Because on the one hand you’re an open book in a rather controlled way, in that you’re a journalist and therefore in charge of the words. But the rest of you is completely closed.”’

‘The way Marshall tells it, there are three obvious routes through the midlife passage.

 Fail the challenge, and you suffer what he describes as an L-shaped life, where you plummet to Earth and then essentially flatline until death.

 Pass the test, and you win the U-shaped life: a glorious upswing, a brilliant late bloom.

 Then there is the third option, the joker in the pack, the switchback ride of the W-shaped life. This occurs when you reach for the quick-fix solution (the thrilling affair, the scarlet Lamborghini), or what Marshall calls “the myth of the great other”. The effect can be instant, galvanic. But it’s an artificial high, a dead cat bounce that leads only to more heartache.’

 The journalist writes about a fictional character, rather sad, who ‘asks nothing of anyone and gives nothing in return.’

And what could come next? The therapist replies, ‘Well, wonderful times. If you’ve done the work of the middle passage, then you’re in a very good place, the sunny uplands of life. The next question is not what gives your life meaning, but what gives meaning to everyone’s life. It’s a more spiritual inquiry: the self versus the infinite.”

So, who is the ‘sunny uplands’ about? Is it about coming to peace?  Is it about the end of ‘chasing’ and being content? Or is it about having not chased, going for glory? Is it about connection with others? Or is it about knowing oneself?

I have been very lucky. I have been fortunate in having a very decent level of living without being dominated by work. 

Just let it happen, eh? Surely I have done ‘the work of the middle passage..’