109 - 7 Rules to Avoid Divorce (Alain de Botton) - interesting

7 Rules to Avoid Divorce - Alain de Botton

1 We accept perfection is unrealistic

We should accept from the outset that anyone we could be with will be very far from perfect. One must conclusively kill the idea that things would be ideal with any other creature in this galaxy. There can only ever be a “good enough” relationship. (seems clear - but surely there are couples who bring out the best in each other - and be better for being with the other than if they were not?)

2 We learn to blame love, not our lover

When difficulties strike in relationships, we often fall prey to the idea that we are going out with a particularly cretinous human. The sadness must be someone’s fault: and, naturally enough, we conclude that the blame has to lie with the partner. We avoid the far truer, darker, yet gentler conclusion: that we are trying to do something very difficult at which almost no one succeeds completely. (fair enough)

3 We realise that love makes irrational demands of our partners

The romantic ideal states that we will be nicer to our partner than to anyone else in the world. We will be a lot nicer with them than, for example, with any of our friends. We like the latter; we love the former. But the reality is intriguingly and soberingly different. We tend to become, if things go to plan, something akin to monsters in love. We’re likely to be significantly less kind to our partner than towards almost any other human on the planet. Asking someone to be with us turns out to be an impossibly demanding and therefore pretty mean thing to suggest to anyone we would really want the best for. Love also lends us the safety to show a partner who we really are – a privilege we would, in truth, be wiser and kinder never fully to share with anyone. (oh yes!!!)

4 We are ready to love rather than be loved

We start out knowing only about being loved. It comes to seem – very wrongly – like the norm. We should renounce the desire to be loved and instead strive to love. (a bit tough sometimes to love and to be purely transactional seems weak?)

5 We accept that relationships require administration

The romantic person instinctively sees relationships in terms of emotions. But what a couple get up to together over a lifetime has much more in common with the workings of a small business. They must draw up work rosters, clean, cook, fix, throw away, mind, hire, fire, reconcile and budget.
None of these activities have any glamour whatsoever within the current arrangement of society. And yet these tasks are what is truly “romantic” in the sense of “conducive and sustaining of love” and should be interpreted as the bedrock of a successful relationship. (The little things - I agree. But what if that is not good enough for the other?)

6 We understand that sex and love do, and don’t, belong together

We are ready to get into a long-term relationship when we accept a large degree of sexual resignation and the task of sublimation.

7 We realise we’re not that compatible

The right person is expected to be someone who shares our tastes, interests and general attitudes to life. This might be true in the short term. But, over an extended period of time, the relevance of this fades dramatically; differences inevitably emerge. The person who is truly best suited to us is not the person who shares our tastes, but the person who can negotiate differences in taste intelligently and wisely. It is the capacity to tolerate difference that is the true marker of the right person. Compatibility is an achievement of love; it shouldn’t be its precondition. (not control and obeisance)


All seems pragmatic and, no doubt, true - and a good recipe for the overwhelming majority of people. But, if truth be told, a little depressing

108: Good Christmas and New Year but ...

We have had a very pleasant holiday and it has been sweetness and light all around. Our son has some very important exams coming up in the next few days but there has been little tension and he has been able to enjoy the holidays as well as doing some work. Overall, very good.

But three little sentences really continue to give the game away in my opinion.


She has her  birthday coming up in the first week of January. I have booked a very expensive restaurant.


Last year, in the middle of the traumatic period, where there was no question of buying anything for each other, I suggested £600 each for Christmas and birthday presents which we could spend as we pleased for ourselves and on ourselves.

So, this year she buys me a fleece and a shirt that I don’t really want.

She is also looking to buy sports clothing and looking and comparing tops. ‘Which one shall I buy?’ ‘Buy both,’ I say ‘and take it as a birthday present.’


‘No! I am not letting you get away with that level of effort in buying me a birthday present!’


So, we have just traipsed around London buying her a present, just as we did with her Christmas present a couple of weeks ago. I am happy to do this – not everyone is ok with going out and getting something themselves. But this expression of ‘letting you get away’ got my goat – though I did not react in any way. Again, it is about obeisance and control.

 The other sentence came when we were having a heavy discussion on identity, being an immigrant, the difference between being different because of class and / or nationality with my brother and sister-in-law. Talking about friendships and such and she says, ‘And I rely on real people – I do not spend hours on Facebook.’ Even if unintended, this came across as a direct dig at my sister-in-law as she is a very active Facebook user and corresponds in that way with a wide network of friends. The irony is that my wife also spends hours on Facebook – contributing hardly at all but viewing other people’s profiles all the time. This casual insulting of others is a trait.

 My sister-in-law again – whom she had called for a reason I forget. ‘G. sounded really tired. Clearly does not organise herself. I know she works but it is ordered work which can be planned.’ This is ironic given that my wife does not ‘work’ but washing and cooking (we have a cleaner) is often late and work continues till 10 pm when it has no need to. This incident happened to be with my sister-in-law but could have been with anyone – judging of others without looking in the mirror.

I sometimes feel as if I am being harsh in not feeling softness and warmth and continuing to feel cold but these little reminders show me how different I believe we really are.