55: Change of Target - from me to our son

Now that it is clear to her that she will have no effect on me, she appears to have trained her sights on our lovely son.

5 days in a row now that she has made him cry and feel miserable. Where does this bullying nature come from? Her parents do not appear to be like that at all.

Let's see what I find when I get home this evening.

I keep consoling my son that my mother used to scold me too - but I need to do something. Don't I?

54: The Last Whinge

One more whiny whinge and then I am done. I started this blog so I would not forget - so I would evidence the petty everyday slights and the utter selfishness of the woman. And it has served a purpose in terms of me unloading stuff I cannot unload elsewhere. But patterns keep repeating themselves and so there is no point in making the effort to remember.

Our son is also 'fighting back.' In addition to 'don't scold me all the time' he got very cute the other day. He wanted to see a couple of shows on the TV but also needed to finish off homework. So, I said, watch X from 5 to 5:30 and then finish off the work between 5:30 and 6:00

'Your life should not be driven by shows,' she declares.

'But your's is: when you say we have to hurry up and finish dinner because your show starts at 8 pm!'

She had no response to this!!!!

To my son: If you are reading this at some indeterminate time in the future - perhaps when I am gone - please note that I have told her she is being unfair to you. I have tried to be friends with you and I always will. You are my hero and my universe. I am sorry I could not protect you further but I will always try to protect you enough.

As nothing changes and hypocrisies continue, there is no point in writing the same things over and over again. 'Nuff said - on to more positive things and more a life blog!

But one last....

So our son has a blood test on Monday and I decide to take the day off as she is not always confident of her parking ability -  and it's winter so waiting around at bus stops is something I wanted them to avoid.

That though is in the afternoon. In the morning, I drop off our son and instead of going to the driving range as I had planned, come back to the house as she has said that she needs to go shopping in the morning.

I do a good 2.5 hours of ironing. At coming up to 12 she says she is no longer shopping. I am trying to walk 10,000 steps per day and so I walk to the library to print out some homework for our son.

'Could you pick me up from the library at 1:30 and then we can go over to the school for the pick up time of 2 pm?'

'I want to get to school before 2 pm as I want to leave on the dot,' she responds.

'Never mind,' I say, 'I'll see you at school.'

I do my work, wander over to the school by 1:40 .... but she arrives after 2 pm; all she had had to do was get ready and change - still she was late.

Head over to the hospital do the test, I promise our son to play football in our garden before it gets dark. But, first, we have to detour to a shop so M. can buy a particular type of packaged food for a friend.

I play football, get away to the gym for a bit, come back, clear up, have a cuddle with my son to put him to bed. And I am bloody well criticised for not washing his lunch box sufficiently well (in her eyes) and am reprimanded for not taking upstairs a couple of things she had left at the bottom of the stairs. I could fight back to show up the imbalance of work but decide not to - just pick up the things and move on. In fact it is our son who shouts from his bed, 'Mama don't be so harsh on baba.'

So what is the key takeaway from this day. Do good work, help substantially, adjust to her needs but just be told off with no balancing 'thanks.' And that our son's playing time after a hospital visit was delayed because she had to get something random from the mall for her friend - who, no doubt, will say, 'Oh M, you are so efficient.' As for her work - shopping not done, and tidying her shoes from off the floor to the cupboard - still not complete.

This need to impress the outside and not care about those nearest to her can have an amusing side. On the week-end we were going to visit my parents. Near there, there is a very nice park and, despite winter, it being a nice day, we thought we might go for a walk.

'Are you going to wear that sweater? What if somebody sees you? Are you not changing your trousers?'

The new me simply said, 'yep I am and no I am not.' 'And we'll have coats on anyway.'

Even if we did not,  on a Saturday afternoon stroll, would it really matter what I was wearing? Seriously?!!

I think you get the idea - all outside and how it appears to the outside world.

I can't help wondering whether the critique is true. I know I am boring but also the bit about callous, uncaring and harsh. Perhaps her behaviour inside the house is due to my poor attitudes and unsupportive stance. But how does that explain her attitude towards our son who is just the loveliest person? His teachers write about his gentle and generous nature, how he helps his friends and is unfailingly courteous, he gets invited often to his mates' houses and the mothers love him for his behaviour - so it is not just me. It is some weird model of parenthood mixed in with other issues of frustration and depression. Well, fuck it, harsh or not, I've had enough.

53: Progress report on not giving a fuck

(We are not by the way, since about mid-October! :-))

Come home this evening - a Friday - and walk in at about 7 pm.

They are both at the dinner table in the kitchen - no sign of any food anywhere. 

'You'll have to do the chicken for us, and his meal.'

No problem, do all that by 7:30, we have our meal, clean up, give our son a cuddle and come downstairs again at 9:30 pm.

Only now has she brought the clothes out of the washing machine - having basically, clearly, not done anything for the whole day as the mess that has been the house all week remains a mess.

Anyway, help further and at 10 pm settle down to watch some sport on the laptop.

'I need that for a bit to check the bank account.'

She could not have done that all day? She has to to do that just at the point where I have sat down for the first time in the day to relax? My day having started with waking up my son and making Madam a coffee at 7 am.

Is this deliberate or just a casual selfishness/callousness. Would like to think it is just a nature thing rather than deliberate.

But, I stay calm, do my jobs, do not react in any way.

So....

After our bust up, things are not back to normal but we are living civilly if not as friends or partners. Strained to be honest. But I am not giving in and I am caring marginally less.

The other morning - a Sunday - our son did his piano practice with me in the room. She then strutted in and shouted, 'You haven't done this and that and that and that.' He kept saying he had but she was vicious in her condemnation. So he burst out crying and said to me, 'she always does this, I play something and she says I have not.'

Previously I may have asked him to play again. But, this time, I asked whether he truly, truly had. He said 'yes' and so I continued to cuddle him. The look she gave me could only be described, again, as vicious. Another evening I heard him say, 'will you please stop scolding me constantly?'

Unlike me in my youth, I suspect he  will fight back and so she is well on the way to creating a difficult relationship.

'You clearly haven't shampooed properly - this bit is dry.' 'I have.' 'Don't lie, no you haven't.' At which point I walk into the room and show her a photograph of a head full of shampoo - which I had taken as a precaution as she would not believe him. If you're not going to be believed at any point then, soon, you will start to get away with things. I have told him that I trust him and will believe him - but he must not abuse that trust by not - for example - brushing his teeth. He does things faithfully if only he is allowed to do things and not under an assumption that he has gamed/cheated - something he will start doing and she just will not know!!

The usual hypocrisies continue. The bed gets made only on the mornings that the cleaner is coming. We have new cupboards now, including a shoe cupboard, but the shoes have been lying all over the floor for two weeks now. Taking ironing to my parents to do ironing there when she never irons at home.

Another Sunday the plan was for me to come back from the gym and we would go out for lunch and shopping - coming back in time for me to take our son cycling.

I came back at 10:45 am and she had only just woken up. 'Clearly, we won't be able to make it back for cycling now.'

'No, of course we can, we just need to leave by 1200. I'll get him ready.'

Takes her time, no attempt at hurrying and we finally leave at 1 pm.

He wants McDonalds and because of time she herself suggests McDonalds for us as well - though I know she will think herself as some sort of victim. 'Are you enjoying the Sunday lunch? Supposed to be the best meal of the week?' she asks sarcastically of our son.

He, of course, does not get the sarcasm and continues munching away! I keep quiet - if she had got her arse in gear we might have had time to go to a proper restaurant. 

Previously I would have felt guilty or apprehensive about her feelings - but none of that now. If she snores, I move to the other room. I state what I am thinking and - while always behaving reasonably - do not try to second guess her reaction. If she asks what is clearly a loaded question, I respond at face value.

How long can this last before a big blow up? Don't know but I simply do not have the desire to be what I was. I will go soft, treat her as I would someone I have affection for  and then be kicked in the teeth. Do not want to go there again.

But am calm, am clear.