Entry 30: a very Merry Christmas

And so another year winds to an end.

Things seem to be back to some form of low tension .... until the next time. Went out with some of the dads from school and we came to the conclusion that marriage was essentially 'different degrees of misery' - unless you are very lucky and I have several friends and relations who have been.

One dad saw us as the 'perfect marriage' and wanted to know how we did it. But, in the end, we all had the same issues of decisions being taken by them but us getting the brunt of the consequences. Was certainly a cathartic evening!

I came across a review of a book called Stoner by John Williams - an American author and the book was written in the early 60s. link

It tells of an academic in an American university but it may be speaking about any middle aged man looking back and looking forward. A very sad book perhaps but - to me - a warning. As in any good novel, you see yourself reflected and causes you to think.

As Barnes writes, 'many will be reminded of their own lectoral epiphanies, of those moments when the magic of literature first made some kind of distant sense, first suggested that this might be the best way of understanding life. And readers are also aware of this sacred inner space, in which reading and ruminating and being onesefl happen....'

The book writes of the main character, 'at 42 he could see nothing before him that he wished to enjoy and little behind him that he cared to remember.'

The author, though, did not consider the character a failure. 'I think he is a real hero. A lot of people who have read the novel think that Stoner had such a sad and bad life. I think he had a very good life. He had a better life than most people do, certainly. He was doing what he wanted to do, he had some feeling for what he was doing, he had some sense of the importance of the job he was doing .... the important thing in the novel to me is Stoner's sense of a job .... a job in the good and honourable sense of the word. His job gave him a particular kind of identity and made him what he was.'

If I reflect on myself, I am not quite down there(!) but understand many of the themes.

'Good things do happen in Stoner's life, but they all end badly. He relishes teaching students, but his career is stymied by a malevolent head of department; he falls in love and marries, but knows within a month that the relationship is a failure; he adores his daughter, but she is turned against him; he is given sudden new life by an affair, but finds love vulnerable to outside interference, just as the academy is vulnerable to the world.'

For me, yes, work is interesting and I find genuine value in learning and doing and working for and with my team and seeing them grow but - as much - my child and my friends define me. It is a disappointment to me that I have felt a disappointment to my family.

But the point is not to spiral in to the bad stuff. As I turn 45 so I need to try and step out and step up. I have served my apprenticeship, now to build on that foundation.

Happy New Year to those that read this and may 2014 be fabulous.

xx

Entry 29: Now, let's see....

Now, let's see.

The week-end and Monday just gone - now that I am in trouble again.

Saturday, I go to the gym for an hour and, of course, am not allowed to interfere in the homework being done when I get back.

No food at home and so I am despatched to the supermarket and prepare lunch. At the last minute.

My son and I are forced to accompany her to the shops - why can't that be done in the week - and then I am told off for not chatting to her in the kitchen when I look for some time on my own. I react but do not argue.

Sunday, I supervise our son's breakfast, shower and getting ready before going to the gym and before she has deigned to get out of bed. We are supposed to be going out for lunch at a friend's and have promised to arrive for 1230. She is not ready though she had nothing to do and we leave at 1220 - arriving an hour late.

Come home, we are too full to eat but prepare dinner for our son, clear up, read and put to bed. Then do ironing which has piled up while she primarily does Facebook or whatever. Though makes a great drama about arranging books and kits for son's school on the Monday.

Monday she takes our son to a party in the evening and so I come home and clear the dishwasher and get the dinner ready for our son. Oh - in the meantime - she and I have met up in town and gone out for a meal at an expensive restaurant.

Do I get any thanks at any point all the way through?

So who is taking whom for granted? I am always criticised for not paying enough attention to what I wear but she spends the whole day in her pyjamas and not showered. So, I could argue, everything is aimed at external and she is callous towards her own. All surface and what others think.

I give up - this time I genuinely do. There is no logic, there is rationale - it is all about the moment and what she is feeling at that moment.

The other day, our son said that he would not share his sweets with her. But I said that your mum takes you everywhere, does everything for you, surely you should share? 'She takes you here and she takes you there.' To which he responds, 'she scolds me here, scolds me there....'

Nuff said.

My big fear is that her only job becomes - or becomes even more - controlling us.

Too tired, just too tired.

xx