I was discussing with some people about one of the points discussed in the Counselling Sessions in early 2016. In particular, about how, in time, my son would also move away from me. I had examples of that over the last few days.
He - aged 13 now - went to the local high street with his mates and came back with .... shopping!! A pair of trainers, tops and shorts. Not something I would ever have done and I was pretty happy at this - especially as he did not appear to have wasted money and it was his pocket and birthday money anyway.
The next example shows me in more of a mixed light.
He has done very well in his end of year exams and his school has offered him a small amount of money to buy some books from Amazon. He first suggested 30 copies of a 0.99p book, which was trivial and I said 'no' - he had to show some respect for the school which was funding the books. He carried on then to suggest a football book which was fine. And then yet another football book and, to me, that did not seem appropriate. So, in a stern tone, I said that this was being frivolous and he should look for something else. He didn't have to buy the collected works of Cicero or anything - he wants to go into comedy, so why not buy a comedy-writing book? It felt to me that he was being less than respectful to the school and that he should show some flexibility.
He started to cry. So I did as he asked and ordered the books he wanted.
And I apologised. Because, actually, why should I impose my structure of thoughts on him? He'd done the important bit which is about working well enough to get the awards. After all, I hadn't reacted with the shopping thing where I could have said that he shouldn't be spending money on crap clothes - in this case I never considered imposing. So, I should be consistent.
Just because I have 'invested' in this relationship does not mean that it has to follow my frameworks - time to let go.
Later on I did say to him that I am allowed to disagree with him but it was wrong of me to lose my temper.
On a related note, I was supposed to drop him off to a birthday party and he was in the car and waiting for me at the appointed time. This is in contrast to the mornings when it can be a struggle to get him down to breakfast in good time instead of rushing. I said to him - calmly - that he should have the same standards of timekeeping for going to a birthday party as going to school! And he was down ten minutes earlier than usual this morning without being forced. Let's see how long that lasts!!
(Of course, his mother only comes down at 7:20 when they have to leave by 7:40 and she has to make his packed lunch before then as well. She has been known to take her bowl of porridge with her in the car!! Everything dramatic and last minute. I tend to get down earlier, get his lunch done by 7:10 and then have my breakfast.)
His crying really affected me. It should not happen.
