She said to me, 'You are clearly not happy with me. Take some time off and we need to talk. What do you want to do?' The words, as I write them, seem reasonable enough but the tone and body language are not.
I also really can't be bothered. Have tried talking before and there is never any consistency or cohesiveness to the debate. So I put my thoughts down on paper.
It is not so much that I am not ‘happy’ with you – what does
that matter anyway – but that any objective view would show that you are not happy
with me. Nothing I do seems to make you happy and, more or less, for me, being
at home is one constant stream of criticism or instructions or challenge.
The Christmas episode was enlightening. For the past few
years I have bought you an expensive handbag which you have then returned and
bought other stuff. That did not matter to me though it would to you – what matters
is you get something you like and want. This year, I decided to go shopping
with you and, yes, we did not get something in time. I felt – and this is my
judgement only – the ensuing drama was unfair. This is a year in which there
have been two India visits, Greece, US, handbags, diamond ring and what not. It
is not as if we have not spent money on discretionary items.
You are very good at criticising what our son and I do but
can you say that you role model the behaviours that you expect of us? The papers
have been all over the dining table for two (?) weeks now. The credit card receipts
have not been looked at for months and now are still lying all over the floor. Suitcases
don’t get unpacked for months. Do you not get distracted? Procrastinate? Be untidy?
Do you not fall behind on ironing and have clothes in every room? And I quite often catch up on that.
I have no issue with any of that as I procrastinate, am lazy
and am untidy. What I have a problem with is that you apply different standards
to others than you do to yourself. This is unfair.
I have written to you before about how leaving your house work to the end of the day makes the day long and increases
stress – to this you have now added making lunch for our son in the morning.
That is your choice – but the stress comes out on us.
You seem to have an approach that you can say almost anything
to me (or our son), which you download and then assume that we can forget and
all is well. He appears to me to be a light-bulb person, and that is great, but
I am not – never have been. Through 2011 from the beginning of the year to our
Venice trip you hardly had a civil word for me. At a time when work was really
tough, I would be scared of coming home. This happened again at the back end of
2012. I will skip over the short term variations in mood that I used to joke
about from almost the very beginning of our marriage.
Moving to our new house visibly made you happy but that has
turned out to be short lived.
As I wrote in my last letter, I am tired. To survive, I have
to believe that I am an ok person. I am not judgemental and I do not expect of
others what I do not expect from myself. I have tried to be a supportive
husband and a good father – in the past, a good son. But, clearly, I have not
succeeded. And, so, I give up. I give up questioning my every action against
your possible reaction. I give up trying to second guess you. I give up
worrying all the time. I give up being afraid all the time.
Every fundamental decision in the last ten years has been
driven by you. Having a child, living as far away from my parents as possible,
no babysitters, not working, not really having any hobbies, new house and so
on. I have been entirely supportive. But there are consequences to all of those
– not going out often, life revolving around school, routine and boring work in the
house, time-in-the-car for examples. If you are not happy with those, then I
cannot compensate.
Please allow me to be clear. I am not suggesting any
particular action – you have to work out what works for you.
Because, at your best, you are friendly, charming and fun.
The M. that the world sees – the one that is ‘smiling even when no one’s
looking’ - is too rare a sight inside the house. Sometimes/often your need for
control is unnecessary – buying a happy birthday card at the Card Factory as
opposed to Paperchase as if that is in any way material or not failing to tell
me that I had left the hall light on. I lied the other day, saying that I had
woken up early and turned it on, for fear of your reaction; in fact, you had
been the last one to bed and you left it on again on Sunday night. ‘So what?’
is my reaction but you seem to need to make a point of showing up a failing –
an attitude I do not get.
There are other things that I admire about you. Your capacity
for special projects, your support of our son’s activities. But I have no idea
what makes you so unhappy, this up and down. A few months ago you behaved
atrociously to both him and me – the following Monday all was sweetness and
light. I remember asking you, ‘where was this M. last week? Where did she
disappear to?’ So it is not as if I have not pointed this out gently in the
past.
You will no doubt say that I do not show enough appreciation?
But I have felt ‘beaten up’ too many times, gone to bed crying too many times. I
would venture to say, however, that I have supported you more than most in your
roles as mother and homemaker. We all have our roles and the office is no
holiday no matter what you think – you have chosen the job you want and we all
have to do our jobs.
As to ‘what you want to do,’ there is no option. Whether you
believe it or not, we have a good life. We have a wonderful, wonderful child
who needs to be nurtured, whom we need to support so he grows up to be confident
of making mistakes rather than be afraid of them. We have a lovely house which
will be a beautiful home, we have our health, we have intelligence, good
friends and reasonable money.
If you want to talk about any of this, am happy to do so. But,
in a sense, let’s just forget it and carry on. I will always react to your
moods. I am very much the same at work as I am at home in that I am not big
enough or good enough to overcome my environment – I will reflect my
environment; light will begat light, heavy will begat heavy.
One friend thinks we have the ‘perfect marriage’ and everyone
complimented us at X's 50th. It is possible to get there and I
will play my part but please give yourself and us a break. If you can tell me
what will make you happy, I will try my best to oblige if it is within my power
and our resources to do so.
She came back with, 'I have read it but you don't want to talk about it - so there's no point in my talking about it.'Fair enough and I know I should talk but I am just so tired. I replied to her e-mail:
'I am just very tired M.
'I
am not a bad person and yet, I have been made
to feel as if I am not so nice. Selfish, mean, stubborn, cold etc. etc..
'Of
course you are not either, as your many friends and family will witness.
'I
love the M. that is affectionate, efficient, fun and smiley and I don’t
think I am so bad that that person cannot be around more.
'But
why discuss when I have said I do not particularly wish to ….. perhaps just a
little of peace and space will help.
And
if there are particular actions you want me to take, let me know.'
I have kept away from any incendiary accusations that I list out more fully in this blog - meanness, selfishness, utter nastiness when she wants to make a point. Best I can do right now.
